That's what friends are for.

So, I was deleting a bunch of old texts on my phone--mostly from people looking for a good time with Lanisha--and realized that I have really insane conversations with my friends.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Crazy attracts crazy.

So, for your weekend enjoyment, here's a sampling of texts I've received. Names have been removed to protect the not so innocent.

• Nothing will keep me from assless chaps!!!!

• Let's talk about the guy on the treadmill next to me whose ass cheeks are slapping together.

• I'm having sex and sleeping the rest of the day. The end.

• You seem a little dirty-whorish to me.

• Wouldn't it be funny if God made all the whiteys black?!?! I bet there would be a lot of pissed off white folks.

• I don't think it really matters what sex the goat is. I'm pretty sure it has to be a human to be considered gay. My brain hurts. I'm not sure I ever had to think about this before.

• I'll just drink till I pass out. That'll work.

• I let Ben watch a dead snake burn the other day. Hope you don't mind.

• We're at South of the Border. I'm looking for the sex shop.

• I'm thankful for Batman. He makes the world a safer place.

• Now I can be like a real porn star! It's the best gift EVER!

• I was going to send you an e-mail with the Portuguese word for penis in it, but it turns out it's just penis. I'm so disappointed.

• What's Brandi's bat-signal? A giant penis?

• You're representing the whole world in this matter. No pressure.

• I love you. In a strictly non-gay way. O.K., maybe a little gay.

• Did you poop in it?

• We have menstruation! I repeat, we have menstruation!!!!