Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Humiliation Chronicles

I realized today that my life has been nothing but a string of public humiliations. Here are some highlights.

There was that time in second grade right after Christmas. I'd gotten a Smurf transistor radio with headphones. I took it to school, and one day after I'd finished my work I put it on. I started singing along to Hall & Oats "Private Eye" really loudly. Not only did my teacher confiscate my kick-a Smurf transistor radio, but she also made me stand in front of the class and sing solo renditions of "I'm a Little Teapot" and "My Country 'Tis of Thee."

In third grade the class Ritalin case, Bobby Goodwin, came strutting in and announced that he "had sperm now." I was apparently the only kid in class who didn't know what sperm was and I was teased relentlessly for days.

In fourth grade I joined the kickball league. Really, do you need any more information that that? Fat kid + kickball team + bright purple jersey = humiliation.

In fifth grade I got a palette expander installed in the roof of my mouth just a couple of weeks before we moved out of state. This palette expander caused me to speak like a drunk German for months. So, I got to start a new school in a new state with a serious speech impediment. Oh yeah, and I couldn't really eat without food falling out of my mouth. And I was fat, too. Good times.

I spent all of middle school and the first two years of high school with this hairdo and with a wardrobe full of Hammer pants.

In Tenth grade I walked all the way home from school (about a mile) with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose. About 10 feet from my house a woman finally took pity on me and pulled over to tell me.

Twelfth grade:

Enough said.

In college, I went to a park with Will and a few other friends. There was a zip line. "Try the zip line!" Will said. "It's so much fun!" he said. So I did. Except the zip line wasn't meant for a 250 pound fat chick and instead of zipping along through the air, I was dragged along the ground until I fell off, much to the amusement of a bunch of 12 year old boys.

Two days ago I was in Wal-Mart and I passed gas. It was really, really bad. You have to understand that my intestines have been rerouted and it does things...horrible, unspeakable things...I try not to do it around other people, but sometimes it can't be helped. Anyway, I was hoping no one would notice, but a little kid in the cart near me said to his mother, "That lady smells like she had diarrhea." That was bad enough, but then I heard his mother say, "I think maybe she did."

I'm sure I've missed numerous other tales of humiliation. Feel free to add any that you can think of.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Dear Harmony.

Dear Harmony,


For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, Hawaii has just been issued a Tsunami warning and coastal residents are being evacuated. Except it's freakin' Hawaii and I'm pretty sure everyone is a coastal resident. So, for real, Harmony (and everyone else in Hawaii), be safe.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I guess the stalagtits are staying.

This picture was featured on Craftastrophe yesterday, and all I could think when I saw it was, "Where did they get that picture of me?"


Looks like the boob job just isn't going to happen his year.

I saw my surgeon Wednesday (well, not my surgeon, but a surgeon. He was kind of a scrotum-face, but more on that later) and he told me that the current policy of the military health insurance is that it will pay for a panniculectomy, but not a full tummy tuck. A panniculectomy is where they just lop off the hanging skin and stitch you up. I'd still have split abdominal muscles, I'd still have saggy skin on the upper part of my abdomen and best of all, I'd have no belly button.

Since I'd like to not look like a circus freak for the rest of my life (I could totally join a side show and call myself Eve, because as all good Christians know, Adam and Eve didn't have belly buttons), I'm going to have to pay for the difference between a panniculectomy and a tummy tuck...which is just about every penny I've got put aside for boobs.

So, bye-bye ta-tas.


In addition to breaking this news to me, he informed me that I need to lose at least 20 more pounds (I was thinking more like 10), was horrified at the sight of my pannus ("Wow. That looks really awful. You're definitely going to want to pay for the full tuck."), and told me that according to an app on his iPhone, I should cut my calorie intake down to 800-900 calories a day. Because, you know, screw medical school and what the registered dietitian says. There's an app for patient care! Oh, and when I had him check out what I thought might be a hernia, he said, "Dude, it doesn't feel like a hernia, but dude, that's a big lump*." Apparently Ashton Kutcher is now a surgical resident for the Army.

So, yeah. A total scrotum-face that apparently has very little experience with bariatric patients (because as a doctor, you never point out that a bariatric patient looks like a saggy freak--we have enough body image issues as it is).

And I don't even have the comfort of getting new boobs.

*Dude, I'm, like, getting an ultrasound in 3 weeks to, like, find out what the huge lump is. Dude.

Oh, and that Adam and Eve comment was sarcastic. The e-mails about it can stop now.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

They're BOTH evil.

Alright, so Tuesday was yet another fantabulous episode of Lost where they answered little to nothing.

Tick tock, Lost writers. Tick tock.

Anyway, I've pretty much given up on trying to figure out what's going on. I'm just going to ride out the rest of this last season and hope that whatever the heck is going on will eventually become apparent.

But here are a few of my thoughts and observations from this week:

1. I finally found myself interested in the off-island story line this episode. I really want to know who Jack's babymamma is. At first I was thinking "Kate!" but then I realized that makes no sense because they saw each other on the plane a few days ago and didn't know each other. And then I was thinking "Rose!" because Rose is always the answer. But again, not possible. And then I thought "Libby!" which would be kind of awesome. And then I thought "Juliet!" which would be even more awesome. And maybe Juliet and Sawyer are even dating now and that would set up the whole Jack being jealous of Sawyer scenario that has become so familiar in this series. But, maybe it'll just be the chick who he was married to back in season one (can't remember the character's name, but she's played by Julie Bowen). And that wouldn't be awesome at all.

2. I think it became fairly evident that Un-Locke and his followers are evil (I had my doubts last week. I thought maybe he was the good one). However, I don't like Jacob either. He's manipulative and seemingly uncaring, and I'm having a hard time seeing him as a benevolent force. Also, I remembered what's-his-name--Carl? Alex's boyfriend. Remember when they showed him in that room, with the thing holding his eyes open, forcing him to watch and listen to what appeared to be some sort of cult-brainwashing propaganda? One of the things that it showed over and over was "Jacob loves you." Now, if Jacob really loved him, there would be no need of brainwashing him to believe it.

Also, I'm starting to feel like Jacob is using Hurley. Hurley is kind of passive and just follows Jacob's orders without much question. I mean, even Jacob said that this week. He said something along the lines of, "There are some people who you can just pop up in the back of their cab and tell them to do something and they'll do it [referring to Hurley] and others need to sit and look at the ocean and think [referring to Jack, who is the opposite of passive in this episode]." And this makes me mad, because Hurley is my favorite character and I don't like the idea of smarmy Jacob using him.

3. I know Lost is science fiction, but it's veering off into the realm of fantasy with the lighthouse mirrors and whatnot. I'm not down with that.

O.K., so what do you guys think?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Internet Therapy

When I had my little involuntary blog hiatus last year, a friend sent me her password and told me to have at it on her blog. She understood that sometimes you just need a place to say something, and sometimes, for a variety of reasons, it can't be your own place.

Today I'm paying it forward and letting a friend use this place to say something that she can't say on her own blog.

This woman is awesome and she's going through a pretty serious trial right now. A possibly life altering kind of trial. So, lend her your ears and maybe even some support. She deserves it.

First, a couple of things you should know:

1. There will be cursing. Not the fake swearing you occasionally see around here, but good old fashioned, make you blush swearing.

2. I'm not going to tell you who it is or what the problem is. She needs to remain anonymous for several reasons, the likely possibility of a lawsuit in her future being among the biggest. Some of you know her and may know enough about her situation to figure out who it is. If that's the case, please don't put your guesses in the comments. They will be deleted.

O.K., so here we go.

Dear _____________ (you know who you are),
How does it feel? Being the world's biggest... Hmmm. You know, I can't think of a word strong enough for what you are. Jerk, bully, asshole, scrotum-face. None of these is a good enough fit for what an absolutely despicable person you are. Did they give you a trophy? Did the other members of the Dickhead Club honor you for being their best and brightest? Are you proud of what you've done? Are you pleased as punch for threatening and bullying another human being to get your way? Is it what you've always dreamed of? Do your kids look up at you with pride?
Knowing you, you probably are happy. You do get awfully excited when someone caves to your will. It's the ultimate thrill. Who cares if you're wrong. Who cares that your behavior is unethical. Who cares who you harm along the way. As long as you win, right?
Maybe you will win this fight. You fight dirty enough. Threatening a lawsuit. Threatening to destroy my credibility, my finances, my family. Threatening to get me thrown in jail. That kind of thing is par for the course with you isn't it? How many people have you sued anyway? Dozens? Hundreds? It's probably just a blur to you now isn't it? After all, who can remember every face of the people you've destroyed?
The sad part is, I knew how you were before. I fooled myself into believing you wouldn't turn on me, that I could control your crazy tendencies. I'm such an idiot for ever trusting you. So maybe I am getting what I deserve. But when do you get what you deserve? Oh, I know when. I know where too. Which is why I'm going to end this letter with:

Burn in Hell you miserable shit.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I find this letter kind of therapeutic for me. The details may be different, but I have felt this way before.

I bet a lot of you have.

I'd bet a lot of money that by the time you'd finished reading, many of you were thinking of someone who had hurt you that you wish you'd said something like this to.

So, X, thank you for the blog therapy. I hope it helped you. I know it helped me.

By the way, scrotum-face is my new favorite insult.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Confused and disturbed.

So, I'm still using the old, crappy laptop (craptop?), but a couple of things happened yesterday that confused and disturbed me so much I'm willing to brave Explorer and a freakishly tiny keyboard to tell you about them.

First, I noticed last night that I'd had nearly six times the traffic that I usually do--we're talking Pioneer Woman numbers, people. I haven't written about sex or gay marriage lately, so I was kind of confused. And then I noticed they were all directed here from the same place: News One for Black America.

That's right. My blog post about slavery apologies and reparations was listed as a "related article" on a news site.

Considering the number of e-mails I've received over the past year and a half telling me I'm a racist and I should DIE, it's rather ironic that my first real exposure comes from News One for Black America.

(By the way--if you're here from News One for Black America, please know that I'm not a racist. I'm pretty much annoyed by all races, especially white people.)

What confuses me, though, is that of all the blog posts in the world about apologizing for slavery and making reparations--posts written by people who actually know what they're talking about, you know, like journalists--why on Earth did they choose mine? I'm not being humble. I'm being realistic. I really didn't have anything profound or even informative to say about the matter. I'm quite baffled by the whole thing. But hey, traffic is traffic, right?


Now for the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

I was at Wal-Mart and they had these.

That's right. Edward Barbies.

Now you too can own your very own pasty skinned, controlling boyfriend.

If they hadn't been $25 apiece there are a whole bunch of people who would have been getting one in the mail from me this week.

I wonder if he sparkles?

Monday, February 22, 2010

It's like 2007 around here.

So, this might be the last post here for a couple of days.

Last night my laptop was infected by an extremely nasty and prolific virus (The Vista Security 2010 Virus). It's a sneaky little bastard. It looks just like Microsoft Security. It even fooled Will a few times as he was trying to get rid of it, and he does that sort of thing for a living.

Anyway, there was no choice left but to completely erase the hard drive and start from scratch, and that takes at least a day. Meanwhile I'm stuck using Will's old laptop, which I hate with a passion so deep that I don't have words to describe it. So, I'll be checking e-mail a few times, but that will be the extent of my computer use until I get my own computer back.

(Holy crap, I haven't used Explorer in years. It's making me violent. I need to wrap this up before I hurt someone.)

Oh, but speaking of technology and sucking, our plasma TV died on us this week, too. And of course the warranty ran out just a few weeks ago. Will can fix it fairly easily, but getting the part will take a week or so. So we've got our old 19 inch TV that we got for free at a church swap meet up in its place. I'm really kind of pissed that I'll have to watch Lost on it. Or this crappy laptop. The crazy thing is, that's the same TV we'd been using right up until we bought the plasma TV last year and it never bothered me. I even told Will I thought it was silly to spend so much money on a new TV.

But today I've been walking around the house thinking, "How did we live this way? It's like we've gone back in time to 2007 !"

(Save your breath-I'm fully aware how spoiled I am and that I shouldn't complain because there are starving kids in Africa who would kill for a 19 inch TV from the early 90's or a crappy laptop with a ridiculously small keyboard, and who DON'T HAVE THREE CHRISTMAS TREES!)

O.K., internets, I'll see you when I get back to 2010.

Dammit, where's the spell check on this thing? Stupid Explorer...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'm not apologizing. Or paying you.

So, some state lawmakers here in Georgia, along with the NAACP, are trying to pass a resolution that would make the state apologize for slavery.

Some of these same lawmakers, and again, the NAACP, have also been pushing for reparations for slavery for years.

Yes--slavery was horrible. But it ended in the U.S. nearly 150 years ago. There are no former slaves nor former slave owners still alive. There have not been for at least a generation.

I don't feel that I or the current government needs to apologize for this. We didn't commit any wrongdoing. Our country--our ancestors--had a civil war and as a result ended slavery (after the deaths of many, many white men who were fighting for the cause). *

And to those who feel an apology is owed them--I ask why? You were not a slave. Your parents were not slaves. Your grandparents were not slaves. And it's very likely that your great grandparents were not slaves. What entitles you to an apology?

As for reparations, are you kidding me? It's so ridiculous I can't even come up with something to say about it.

If these resolutions pass, then I'm going to start my own movement. I think all women need an apology from the government and reparations. Women were essentially viewed as property for hundreds of years. We were oppressed. We were denied rights. Heck, blacks were given the right to vote long before women.

And while we're at it, I want an apology and reparations from the 1970s for subjecting me to The Village People and causing me to dress like this:

Now let the "You're a racist!" e-mails begin.

*I'm aware that the civil war didn't start over slavery. But slavery quickly became an issue in the war, and many men volunteered to fight based on that principle alone. Look, I've read Little Women about 200 times. I'm an expert, O.K.?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Go ahead. Make my day.

So, today has been awesome so far.

First, I pissed off The Angry Chicken at the Y. There was only one treadmill open. She was headed for it, I was headed for it. She was closer, but I was faster and I beat her to it. She flung her towel on the floor and started saying "Dammit. Dammit. Dammit." while stomping her foot like a 4 year old. I think she maybe has OCD or something, because she's very rigid in her routines and if anything throws it off in the slightest she freaks out. A lot. I feel kind of bad for her, but I also find it extremely entertaining. I know. There's a special place in hell for me.

Then I went to Commando Cardio (also known as Torture with Tex. Or Tex Kwon Do if you loved Napoleon Dynamite as much as I did). Anyway, Tex was having us walk across the room in the squat position. He said, "If you do this right and you do it often, you can get muscle definition in your legs like her." And when he said her, he pointed to me. I'm telling you--I have quads of steel and Tex just confirmed it for me.

Then I was in the locker room washing my hands before I left, and an older lady came up to the sink next to me. She looked at me in the mirror and said, "I wish I was young and skinny like you."

Young! And skinny! I don't even care that it's not true--it's still nice to hear.

And? My size 4 jeans still fit after being washed and dried. All the women out there know that's the true test.

So, bring it, internets. Even the insane onslaught of hatemail brought on by Wednesday's post can't get me down today.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What about Kate?

O.K., so, my thoughts on Lost this week.
As usual, this will contain spoilers.

1. I think the freaky kid that Un-Locke and Sawyer could see (but that Richard could not) is future Aaron (Or maybe young Jacob? Or maybe young Jacob is future Aaron?). And what the heck was up with his blood covered arms the first time he showed up? Creeeeepy. He reminded me of the super-scary twins from The Shining.

Creepiest kids ever.

2. I'm kind of bored by the alternate time line flashes. I just don't care what would have happened if the island had ceased to exist in 1974 (or was it '77? I can't remember anymore). I hope there's a reason for showing us this stuff other than that they needed some kind of flash because that's the format the show has always had. Although I will say that I loved seeing Ben and Locke interact in the teachers' lounge.

3. I was really looking forward to seeing Hurley in a leadership role this season, but apparently that was only for one episode. Disappointing.

4. I miss Juliet.

5. So, I think we're getting closer to figuring out one of the very first questions the show ever gave us: Who were the skeletons in the cave holding black and white rocks? I guess we're no closer to knowing the who part, but at least we kind of understand the black and white rocks now. Sort of.

6. The candidates--the names written in the cave. Kate's wasn't there. I even went and checked out the sites run by people who know what they're talking about and they all confirmed that Kate's name was not in the cave. So, she's not a candidate. Yet, she was physically touched by Jacob in the past (which seems to be what all the candidates have in common). So, what's up with Kate, then?

7. Please Sawyer, don't turn evil.

8. There was way too much Locke and not enough of everyone else this episode.

9. I hope they bring back Walt somehow.

10. I miss Desmond.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Inexplicably, I love these guys.

So, I was blog hopping a couple of days ago and found this-- Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad.

They're two guys who met on their church missions in Ireland and are now best friends living with a bunch of roommates in Salt Lake City. And essentially they chronicle their lives--mainly their dating lives.

I found them through a blog post that was blasting them as shallow, womanizing douchebags. So, of course I had to check them out.

There was some truth to what the original blog post said, but they're not nearly the villains that it made them out to be.

I know that as a somewhat feminist woman--a woman they would certainly rate as ugly and/or fat--I should hate them, but for some reason I don't. I freakin' love them.

Yes, they're pretty shallow, but at least they are aware of that fact and they acknowledge it.

And really, aren't most young, unmarried college-aged guys kind of shallow? Heck, aren't most young, unmarried college-aged girls shallow, too?

So what if they want a hot wife who doesn't want to work after they have kids? I wanted a hot husband who made enough money so that I could stay home and read blogs all day raise our children. What's the difference?

And if you give them a chance and keep reading, you'll see some raw honesty and introspection. It's not all about dating, hot girls, their unchaste thoughts about the hot girls they date and degrading comments about the girls they no longer date/are too ugly for them to date. Take THIS POST, for example. I think this is the one that officially won me over. It's long, but you need to read all of it.

I think that's the real draw for me--their honesty. And that they, like me, have been deemed inappropriate because they talk about sex, among other things. That they can be members of the LDS church, have a testimony of Christ, but can still be unapologetically "sinful" and irreverent.

Sure, they're young, single boys and I'm an old, married woman. Sure, they're kind of shallow and I've (mostly, I hope) gotten past that stage of life. Sure, when I imagine the soundtrack to their lives I hear Taylor Swift and 'N Sync while my own soundtrack is more REO Speedwagon and the theme to Dora The Explorer. But somehow I feel like I've found a couple of kindred spirits.

Kindred spirits who would think I'm old, fat and possibly creepy for blog stalking them. But that's O.K. with me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What I did on Valentine's Day... 1995.

I was 19 and attending Utah State University.

I was spending my Valentine's night the way most single, fat, socially inept, geeky, 19 year old girls might: On the internet in the computer lab.

Way back in 1995 we didn't have Facebook or instant messaging or anything like that. But if you were in college, you had "Talk." Basically, it was primitive IM-ing. And you had the Finger command where you could look up everyone online at that moment at any college. In 1995 there were usually less than 100 people online at any given time. Then you could choose someone from the list and "Talk" to them on a split screen. I know, it was the freakin' stone age. Some of you reading this weren't even alive in 1995.

So, anyway, apparently there were a few guys who were also single, geeky and dateless that night. They pulled up the list of students who were currently online at USU, went through and "Talked" to every female who's name ended in "i" and invited them to join them for a group blind date. Because, you know, all girls whose names end with "i" are bimbos who will put out. It's common knowledge.

Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm not impulsive. You know that agreeing to go out with a bunch of strangers is not typical behavior for me. But for whatever reason, I agreed. (Maybe because I figured it couldn't be worse than Valentine's Day 1994. Someone--let's just call him Free Bird--went through the trouble of sending me a card postmarked in Loveland, Colorado. Unfortunately the card itself contained a fart joke. Romantic, right?)

The plan was that we'd all meet up at JB's (kind of like Denny's).

There were ten of us--the four geeky, dateless guys and six geeky, dateless girls whose names ended with "i."

The geeky dateless guys had bought us all wilted roses from the about-to-die clearance bin at Smith's, and paid for our dinners.

And oddly, it was a lot of fun.

We talked about the end of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the conspiracy theory that Kurt Cobain was murdered and how lame it was to try to re-enact Woodstock.

In a perfect world I'd go on to tell you how we all bonded and are still friends to this day. But the reality is, we all went our separate ways after dinner at JB's. We all went back to the dorms and continued our, geeky, dateless lives.

I don't even remember their names.

But I remember that I was glad I decided to be impulsive for once.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

O.K., I get it. I'm wasteful, ignorant and violent. And white.

Click this to see it larger.

So, Will and I saw Avatar last night.

I know I'm not the first to say this, but it's true. Essentially it was Pocahontas, just in the future and on another planet. Seriously. Here is the entire plot of Avatar:

"Colors of the Wind" (From Disney's Pocahontas)

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth Pandora is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth Pandora
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore Hometree grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper blue skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth Pandora and still
All you'll own is Earth Pandora until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

I know that a lot of movies are simply a retelling of classic stories. Like, all the 80's teen movies were based on Shakespeare's plays. I'm O.K. with that. But they didn't re-tell Pocahontas in a fresh, new way. They literally just told the story of Pocahontas and simply changed the names and location. That part was disappointing.

It wasn't a bad movie--it'll hold your attention for the full two and a half hours--and it was visually stunning. I guess I just expected the story to match the originality of the cinematography.

What I really don't get are the stories I've been reading about people getting severely depressed after seeing it. Umm, really? I suspect these people had issues before they ever set foot in the theater. I mean, sure, the planet was beautiful and the Na'vi hadn't caused global warming with their big, republican SUVs,* but they did live with the constant threat of being eaten alive. I'll take global warming and my eight-seater van, thanks.

So, in general, I'd say it's worth the ticket price to see it in the theater and in 3-D. Just remember--You're an ignorant, wasteful, violent, white human. O.K.?

*Insert sarcasm here.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Where's your global warming now?

Yeah, yeah. I know. Snow in FORTY-NINE states yesterday doesn't necessarily disprove global warming, but it still makes all the Al Gores of the world kind of look like dipwads today.

We got about 6 inches of snow. In Georgia, people. They haven't seen snow like this since 1977. The state has officially shut down. I don't even think they own plows.

The kids are loving it, though.

By the way--seriously? None of you had anything to say about The Hunger Games? Really?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Impromptu Bookclub

O.K., so I didn't do very well with the whole Bad Girl's Book Club thing. Sorry.

But today I want to talk about a couple of books I know a lot of you have read: The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, both by Suzanne Collins (They're books 1 & 2 of a trilogy. The final book, Mockingjay, will be out August 24th. That would make a lovely birthday present for me. Hint hint.)

I loved these books. I read them both obsessively, pretty much ignoring everything and everyone until they were done. I know a lot of you loved them as well and I want to hear what you thought about them.

Here are a few questions that I stole from the Scholastic website, but there's so much more to these books to discuss, so please post your own thoughts and questions in the comments!

-What do you think is the cruelest part of the Hunger Games? What kind of people would devise this spectacle for the entertainment of their populace? Can you see parallels between these Games and the society that condones them, and other related events and cultures in the history of the world?

-In 1848, Karl Marx wrote in The Communist Manifesto, "The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles." Discuss this statement as it applies to the society and government of Panem. Do you believe there is any chance to eradicate class struggles in the future?

-Reality TV has been a part of the entertainment world since the early days of television (with shows such as Candid Camera and the Miss America Pageant), but in the 21st century there has been a tremendous growth of competitive shows and survival shows. Discuss this phenomenon with respect to The Hunger Games. What other aspects of our popular culture do you see reflected in this story?

-What does Haymitch mean when he tells Katniss before the Game begin, “You just remember who the enemy is --- that’s all.” Who is the enemy? Have the other tributes been trying to keep Peeta or Katniss alive? Which of them is most important to the rebellion?

-Compare the society in Panem (the government, its tight control on the population, and the growing rebellion) to others that you have studied or encountered in books or films. Consider historical and contemporary nations as well as fictional worlds. What does Panem have in common with these cultures, and how does it differ? What can we learn about our own world from studying and reading about historical and fictional societies?

-What are your predictions for the final volume in the series?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dear Writers of Lost,

I really don't think I can emotionally handle another episode with Sawyer crying like that. It was heart wrenching. It was right up there with Hurley crying over dead Libby and telling her that he was sorry he forgot the blankets (which is pretty much the saddest moment in TV, ever).

Also, if you have him end up with Kate after all of this, I will mail Anthrax to your office.


P.S. Other than that scene with Sawyer on the dock, last night was not your finest work.
P.P.S. You have 15 hours left. Let's have some big answers, please.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Good News Minute.

So, prepare for a little bragging. Sorry.

Sorry that your life isn't as awesome as mine.

1. I had a conference with Liam's teacher today. He's reading at a late first grade/early second grade level, and doing math at a second grade level. Take that, extreme oxygen deprivation for the first two weeks of life!

2. I also left the conference feeling extremely superior in the name choices we made for our children. I got the class list to make Valentines this week. Look at these: A'mya and D'mya (twins), Kholten, Karsyn, Talasia, Mo-Hommud, Mosis, Seyairah, Cellie, Aymeigh, LaVeena, Deeandray (I love this one the best. His mother is Dee and his father is Ray), Kanye (for real), Du' Wayne, and Lysah.

People: Don't give your kids weird names or weird spellings of common names. Cellie, Aymeigh and Lysah will be no smarter, prettier or more popular than if they had been spelled Kelly, Amy and Lisa. However, they will grow up with a complex because everybody always misspells their names and they can't get pencils or stickers or bike license plates with their names on them. Trust me. I speak from experience.

3. I'm now wearing size 4 jeans. And it's not because I found a brand that runs big, thankyouverymuch. These are the same brand as the sixes I've been wearing. What's funny is that I've actually gained 4 pounds. Maybe it's muscle? Tex Kwon-Do kicks my butt, and my quads of steel are getting out of control.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Even my back yard is inappropriate.

Look people, I can't make this stuff up. I'm not that good.

My kids left the balls there. The pine cone landed there. The universe (and I) had a good laugh.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

So, apparently I'm a petite Asian woman.

Or an androgynous glam rocker.

I went to and did the whole face scan/find my celebrity look-a-like thing. And by the way, I've been looking at some of the celebrity doppelgangers you've all posted on Facebook, and some of you are delusional. Just sayin'.

Anyway, here's the picture I used.

Here are my top 5 results.

#5 with a 70% face match: Masami Nagasawa

#4 with a 71% face match: Kim Tae-hee

#3 with a 79% face match: Ryoko Hirosue

#2 with an 84% face match: Lee Young Ae

And #1 with a 91% face match is Adam freakin' Lambert.
Yes. The celebrity I most look like is a guy.

The only thing keeping my fragile self esteem somewhat intact is that my #6, with a 61% face match, was Liv Tyler.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

He's like Donny Osmond without the money. Or the giant, glowing teeth.

Will used the term "chillaxin'" today. And he wasn't being sarcastic. He used it like a normal word as though it was a common part of his lexicon.

I had to break it to him that he's way too white and nerdy and old to use it.

I think he was offended.

Speaking of white and nerdy, watch this. Donny Osmond dancing in the background is the best part. Don't worry--it's totally safe for your puritanical eyes and ears.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday night at The House of Douglass.

Liam has been carrying on for nearly two hours over a matchbox car.

Silly me, trying to be nice mom, bought Liam and Ben each a car from the el cheapo bins at Target. One was a BMW. One was a Porsche. Of course they both wanted the BMW*. Of course. So I put them in paper bag and had them draw for it. Ben won.

Here's a little sampling of what I've been listening to ever since:

"This Porsche is so slow. It only goes two miles an hour. That's why you gave it to me. You hate me. I want Ben to trade with me. I hate Ben. The Porsche can't even win on Need for Speed. It's so dumb. I hate red Porsches..." Rinse and repeat.
Ben is going to his first dance tonight. It's for 3rd through 5th graders. He's completely excited for it but is pretending to be too cool to be excited. Also, his cute little Korean girlfriend will be there. He won't admit that he likes her-likes her, but they spend pretty much every waking minute together from 8 am to 5:30 pm every day. After school either she is here or he's at her house.

I've been trying to get him to dress up a little for the dance, but again, he's too cool for that. He'll be wearing his standard uniform of a black shirt (preferably with a Beatles logo on it), jeans and Converse All Stars.

Will and Amelia are blissfully zoned out on my bed watching Spongebob.

I'm trying desperately to tune out Liam ["I can't do my home work because I didn't get the BMW. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!!!!] while attempting to invent a recipe for spinach lasagna made with wheat lasagna noodles, fat free cottage and mozzarella cheeses and Egg Beaters. If it turns out well I'll post the recipe.

How's your Friday?

*Before I get a million e-mails asking me why I didn't just buy two the same, they didn't have two the same left.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Little miracles.

I spent Saturday night in the ER with Liam. Right before bed he started crying and complaining of chest pain.

They poked and prodded and wired and tested and found nothing wrong, but to be safe they had us follow up with his cardiologist today (he wasn't supposed to see him again until May).

Not only is he fine, but he's better than he was at his last visit in August.

The stiffening and blockage in his pulmonary artery (which is from a donor) is somehow less than it was back in August. The cardiologist said that never, ever happens, but there you have it. It happened for Liam.

So, instead of surgery this summer, we're back to an indefinite date. The cardiologist canceled our May appointment and said to see a cardiologist sometime in September or October after we get settled in New York.

The longer he can wait, the better, so this is great news.I really had no idea how we were going to manage a move and an open heart surgery all at the same time.

Thank goodness for small miracles.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Holy crap, did you see Lost???

If you didn't, and you don't want to be spoiled, you should probably leave now.

So, when it started and showed them all back on the plane I was a little pissed. That was the one scenario I did not want to happen--having it all start over and then spending the whole season watching their lives (lives with no memory of the island) unfold back in LA .

But then they switched to the island, so, yay! I'm not thrilled about now having to keep track of two simultaneous storylines for the same characters, but I'll get over it.

I was really sad that Juliet died. I knew it was coming because she has the V gig, but still. Part of me hoped that he was doing both shows this season. Poor Sawyer.

Speaking of Sawyer, Josh Holloway needs an award. Sure, we all know he's a yummy piece of eye candy, but this episode proved that he can act, too. On the island, he was the vulnerable, sweet Sawyer that we've all come to love over the past 5 years. Back in LA he was the slimy sleezeball I couldn't stand during season one.

So, questions and answers. We now know for sure that un-dead Locke is the guy in black from the first episode of last season (let's just call him Bob for now, for convenience sake). We know Bob is the Smoke monster. And...that's about it. There's only 16 hours left. They need to get answering.

Questions I was left with last night (other than the always present, "what the crap is going on?") are:

-How did Juliet know "it worked?"
-Why was Desmond on the plane? And where did he go?
-Why was the island under water in the LA dimension? (I use the term dimension only because I don't know how else to describe it).
-What's up with Mr. Miyagi and the temple?
-What the crap is going on???

How about you? Love it? Hate it? What are your questions?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Things that annoy me today.

1. The remaking of "We are the World." It's not that I care that they're remaking it, but have you seen some of the "artists" lending their voices? Lil' Wayne (Huh. He must have gotten a special work release from prison), The Jonas Brothers, Kanye West and Miley freakin' Cyrus. Of course back in 1985 people were probably turning up their noses at U2 and Cyndi Lauper...

What are Vince Vaughn and Jeff Bridges doing there?

2. That I've got the theme from "The Facts of Life" stuck in my head. I haven't even seen it in more than a decade. How did the song even get in my head?

3. Old people in the commissary. Especially the old woman who completely blocked the flow of traffic in both directions in the frozen food aisle while she ate her frozen pizza sample. And she ate the pizza like a 2 year old. Instead of holding it up and biting from the edge, she pressed the whole thing, including the napkin to her face and gnawed on it from the center. And then she walked around with DiGiorno all over herself while she finished her shopping. I wish the commissary would make special senior hours. That way I'd know when to stay to heck away.

4. The woman at the gym who comes in every day with full hair and make up and just sits on the machines and flirts with guys. You don't want to work out? Fine, but could you please free up the machine for people who do?

5. The way female gymnasts wear eight million clips in their hair.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Innards gone rogue.

So, I was messing around with my panus today after my shower--squishing it around, folding it so it looked like a mouth and making it "talk," rolling it up to see what I'd look like after a tummy tuck...

Look, don't be jealous. Maybe someday you'll have your own giant flap of skin to play with.

Anyway, while I had it rolled up I noticed that I had a large, hard lump right under the scar from my C-sections.

I'm pretty sure I have a hernia.

It doesn't hurt, but the idea of my intestines making a break for it really creeps me the heck out.

Anyone have any good hernia stories to share? Ones that won't keep me awake at night with mental images from the movie Alien?