Wednesday, March 31, 2010


So, yesterday Liam came home from school with three cans of ravioli.

I asked him where he got them and he said his teacher gave them to him.

I asked if she gave any to the other kids. He said no, just him.

I asked if he knew why she gave him ravioli. He said it was because he likes it.

And now I'm paranoid that his kindergarten teacher thinks we're destitute and need Chef Boyardee to sustain our children. I don't want her thinking we're the poor, hungry family. I want to write her a note telling her that we don't even qualify for reduced lunches anymore and that my kids get to choose from, like, 50 kinds of cereal every morning--none of them WIC approved. I want to tell her that we have so much food that my craft table ended up being a de facto pantry because I ran out of cupboard space.

I bet this is because my kids are all scrawny.

Before I lost weight, I used to be paranoid that people would look at my skinny kids and then look at morbidly obese me and assume that I kept all the free government cheese, Cheerios and Juicy Juice for my self and fed the kids saltines.

Or that maybe I started out with five kids but ate two of them.

I have issues, I know.

Speaking of issues, I saw this yesterday and it made me laugh.
No worries, it's completely appropriate. And fun. And it'll be stuck in your head all day (don't forget to pause my playlist before you watch it).

Oh, by the way, THIS was the picture I was going to put at the beginning of the post, but I'm just not in the mood for the hate mail. (It's not dirty or vulgar or even inappropriate, but some people--the kind with no sense of humor--might find it too irreverent for their liking).

***Please note: There's nothing wrong with being poor or being on WIC. Believe me, I worked the WIC for as long as I could. And we're still poor--just not so poor that we can't feed our kids.***

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Oh, Ricardo.

Seeing as how tonight is another episode of Lost, I should probably talk about last week's episode.

The problem is, it's been a week, and I've been drugged up and in a feverish haze for that week.

I don't remember much.

Let's see what I do remember.

1. Richard is hot, guyliner and all.

2. All those people who claimed the island was purgatory back in season one may just be right after all. If that's the case, Damon and Carlton need to be punched in the face.

3. To my Catholic readers: Is that really how forgiveness works in your religion? (Honestly, I'm asking. I don't know.) Because if it is, then all I can say is holy crap (literally). And people think we Mormons are a crazy cult.

4. I still don't think Jacob is totally good.

5. Ricky Martin is gay. Oh wait...wrong Ricardo.

Answers from this episode: The island is a cork, keeping hell/evil from spreading all over the world. No one comes to the island unless Jacob summons them. Richard was a slave on the Black Rock. The Black Rock is what destroyed the statue. Jacob made Richard immortal in exchange for his service. Nestor Carbonell deserves an Emmy for his acting in this episode.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Best Monday Ever.

So, first of all, today is the first day in a week that I didn't wake up certain that I would die by nightfall. So that's an improvement. I can almost even breathe today!

Second of all, I TOTALLY GOT MY TUMMY TUCK SCHEDULED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for yelling. I'm kind of excited.

Not me, obviously, but the before is pretty darn similar to me right now.
I'm hoping my after will be as good.

May 4th is the date, internets. Five weeks and a day until I will have a semi-normal looking abdomen. I'll have big scars--one running vertically from just below my sternum all the way down to my newly built belly button and another running horizontally from one hip bone to the other. Sometimes the scars fade nicely and are hardly noticeable. Sometimes they keloid and look not so nice. I'll take scars over my mutant pannus any old day of the week. Scars I can live with. Having my abdomen whack against my thighs during spin class I can't.

Oh, and guess what? He said that I have "great muscles." He said I would possibly have ab definition as soon as the post op swelling subsided.

And I'm an inch taller than I used to be. I have been 5'5" since I was 17. But Friday they measured me and said I was 5'6". I thought it was weird, so I measured at home. Yup, 5'6". And then they measured me again today in the plastic surgeon's office and I was still 5'6". So, why am I so excited over an inch? Because it lowered my BMI a whole point. And it also means that my stupid slouching hump is mostly gone.

Another reason that today is the best Monday ever? He said that I could expect to lose 5 pounds from the tummy tuck. How awesome is that?

Best frakking Monday ever.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Another happenin' Saturday night with the Douglasses

First of all, it's officially Springtime because today the lawn got its first mowing since October and the boys got their hair buzzed off. I don't have any pictures because I was in a coma most of the day.

Way back before I got sick I'd promised Liam and Amelia that if they could be good all week I'd haul out the play tent and let them have a sleepover together in it. They have little steel trap memories and reminded me today that it was, in fact, time for that sleepover.

Aren't they sweet when they're unconscious?
This was after half an hour of them fighting, screaming, and beating on each
other over whether the tent should be zipped up or left open.
Will was out buying me more drugs and my throat is
pretty much too swollen shut to do more than grunt.
So, I let them fight themselves to sleep.

Then Will and I played a rousing game of Settlers of Catan, because you know, that's how all the cool kids spend Saturday night.

Also, do you see those green things in front of Will?

Those are Legos. Lego Toy Story Army Men.

So, they're toys (original army men) replicated as movie toys (Toy Story merchandise) replicated into yet another toy (Legos). Yeah, makes no sense to me either, but whatever.

Will got $20 from his mom for his birthday and that's what he bought with it. Two sets of Lego Toy Story Army Men. What do you expect from a guy who took cupcakes with sprinkles to work for his classmates on his birthday?

Now, don't let this night of fun and debauchery fool you into thinking I'm better. What those pictures didn't show was me sweating and shivering and shoving tissues up my nostrils, huffing Albuterol like a junkie, guzzling Dayquil like it's kool-aid and popping Tylenol and Advil like candy.

You know what else I was popping like candy? Candy. Peanut Butter cups, to be exact. At this point I figure I'm going to die soon anyway, so I just don't care anymore. I'm going to get my chocolate and peanut butter fix.

Friday, March 26, 2010

A medical freak since birth.

I was laying on the couch today in a feverish haze thinking about all the weird and/or serious illnesses I've had in my life.

Earlier, I was at an appointment at the hospital (to have my mystery lump investigated. Diagnosis: still a freaky mystery lump) and I ran in to our favorite Polish friend, Sylwia. She started cataloging my maladies (by the way, her diagnosis of my mystery lump: cancer or left behind surgical tool). And then when I got home, I talked to my mother and she listed off all the times I've had pneumonia previously. I've had it a lot, apparently.

So anyway, back to the couch and the feverish haze.

I tried to remember what my earliest freakazoid illness was, and then I remembered. And in true Brandi style, it's completely abnormal.

I was born with gills and they were infected.

O.K., not exactly gills. But sort of.

I was born with a brachial cleft cyst, which is a result of my brachial arches not closing properly when I as an embryo.

Brachial arches are a lot like gills in form (not function). In fish embryos, these arches do become functioning gills. In humans, they just go away very early in embryonic development.

Unless you're a freak like me.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This sucks.

Hey internets.

So, I spent a few hours in the ER last night.

I have bronchitis and pneumonia.

I didn't even get any good drugs out of the deal. Just antibiotics, plain old Tylenol and an inhaler. Actually, the inhaler is pretty good, but I can't use it nearly as often as I need to. I'd like to be puffing it every hour or so, but I have to wait for four hours between puffs. I watch the clock like a junkie waiting for that next hit. But really, it's the only time I breathe comfortably--the 15 minutes after I use it.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Don't expect much posting in the next few days.

I have a lot to say about Lost, though, when I feel better. Watch for it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Internets, I'm still sick. Like, sweating then freezing, can't breathe, cough all night, want to die sick. So, that's one thing.

Another thing, Ft. Campbell is now official. We have a request for orders. Oh, and you've heard of a little story called Black Hawk Down? That will be Will's new unit. Umm, yay?

A third thing, I just found out that the Army hospital here lost all record that Liam and I have to see specialists, so I have to start from scratch getting it all into the system again.

And just so this isn't all negative, have you seen the new line of stuff at Target from Liberty of London? I want to buy all of it. No really. All of it.

O.K., the profuse sweating has started again. I'm going back to bed.

By the way, is anyone free to watch Amelia at 8:30 Friday morning? For about an hour?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling guilty. And happy. And guilty.

So, you know I rarely get political here. And when I do, I tend to lean a little to the left. But this health care bill scares the bejeebers out of me.

And yet...a tiny part of me is thrilled that it passed.

One of the worries that wakes me in the dead of night is what happens to Liam when he's no longer covered by our insurance? No insurance policy will cover him. What then? He needs open heart surgery every few years for the rest of his life or he will die. How will that get paid for? Will he die because we can't afford to pay for the surgery? How can this happen?

And then I hyperventilate for a few minutes, take an Excedrin PM and go back to sleep.

This health care bill--as horrible as I know it is--makes sure that people like Liam will be covered. And that's such a huge, huge relief to think about.

But then the guilt sets in, because why should you have to pay for my son's surgeries when he's an adult? Why should whatever insurance company he is covered by lose money over him? Insurance companies are private businesses. We have no right to dictate who or what they have to cover. We would never think of telling Wal-Mart they have to carry a certain product, even if it means they will lose money or have to charge higher prices on everything else. Why do we think it's O.K. to do that to insurance companies?

Someone said to me today, "but why is that any different than our tax dollars paying for his surgeries right now?" Well, let me tell you.

Right now we have a little bargain, you and I. Your tax dollars will pay for our housing and our medical care and our moving expenses and our salary, and in exchange, my husband will leave for a year at a time to the Middle East and have explosives lobbed at him daily in order to keep you safe and enjoying the freedoms you take for granted. It sounds like a fair deal to me.

But later, when Liam is no longer a military dependent, that bargain ends for him. And that's where the guilt (and yes, elation) comes in.

So...sorry? Thank you? Pick whichever makes you feel better.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

This is getting kind of ridiculous.

So, I just slept until 10:00. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that in years.

There's some sort of plague in our house that won't go away. This is the third Sunday in a row that I've missed church because either I or the kids (or both) have been sick.

This week it's me and Ben and Amelia. Last week was Liam and Amelia. The week before was just me.

Fevers. Chills. Nasty respiratory crud. Headaches. Vomiting.

It's a real party at our house!

And it particularly sucks because the weather has been beyond gorgeous this week, but we haven't really been able to go out and enjoy it.

So, if you don't hear from me much in the next few days, just know that it's because I'm mired in the land of snot and puke.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The only thing predictable in the army is unpredictability.


You know how I told you all that we were moving to upstate New York this summer?

That's not so much happening anymore.

I walked through the door an hour ago to have Will look at me and say, "Kentucky or North Carolina?"


Apparently the guy who makes assignments e-mailed Will this morning and gave him two options: Korea or Fort Bragg, NC. He took Fort Bragg, because if overseas was an option we would have taken Germany. But then he found out one of the guys in his class is assigned to Fort Campbell, KY but really would prefer Fort Bragg. So, if we want to trade assignments, he was willing. But that pretty much meant we had to decide right then, over Will's lunch hour.

Luckily, I have a friend already living at Fort Campbell, so I called her up to get her opinion. And since we've heard nothing but bad things about Fort Bragg, we decided to go with Fort Campbell.

So, Kentucky here we come. Unless the army changes their mind.


P.S. Several of you have e-mailed asking how the medical tests went this week. The thyroid scan showed that my thyroid "is sick" but that's all I know. I'll see my doctor about the results in a couple of weeks. The ultrasound to check out the mutant lump was canceled this morning and rescheduled for next Friday. So, no news on anything yet.

P.P.S. Yesterday was Will's birthday. He had me make cupcakes for him to bring to school. I figured if a 35 year old is going to bring cupcakes to school for his birthday I'd better make sure they had sprinkles.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sawyer is such man-whore.

A yummy, yummy man-whore.


Damon Lindleof and Carlton Cuse did an interview earlier this week and were asked for a spoiler about last night's episode. Their response? "Sawyer has sex." As my friend J twittered, that's about as spoilerish as saying Jack is going to cry.

In any case, I'm so glad to see that Sawyer is a (mostly) good guy in both time lines. I was going to be really upset if he turned out to be evil.

Also, he watches Little House on the Prairie and gets choked up listening to Pa Ingalls. If you didn't love him before, you have to love him now.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on the episode:

1. Charlotte is quite attractive when she's not filthy and ragged and bleeding from her brain.

2. Apparently Tina Fey works for Widmore under the alias Zoe.

3. Mirrors mean something, I'm just not sure what yet. Think about all the instances of mirrors and things being backwards in Lost (The lighthouse, Walt speaking backwards, this particular episode was FULL of mirrors, there was even an episode called "Though the Looking Glass").

4. If Sawyer gets all romantic with Kate again I will flip to hell out. Juliet hasn't even been dead a week.

5. I need to read Watership Down. This is the third time they've shown it. It's got to mean something.

6. I've read some theories that Jacob and the man in black are based on Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. After hearing Un-Locke (Esau) talk about his mother last night, that theory sounds even more plausible.

7. I'm really excited for next week. It's a Richard-centric episode (I think) and looks like it could potentially be chock-full-o-answers about the island. Of course this probably means we won't learn squat.

8. Frank Lapidus means stone sausage. Take from that what you will.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Big Love: Saudi Edition

So, I just realized that I told you I think my Saudi neighbor is a polygamist, but never told you why.

In case you don't remember and are too lazy to click the link, here's a little refresher.

My neighbor is a very high ranking officer in the Saudi military and is here for some kind of training. He, his wife, Al Bundy, and their three children live next to me. His mother and three sisters live in four other houses on our circle. That's right. He's renting five houses in our neighborhood.

My first thought when Al Bundy (O.K., it's really Albuundi) told me this was, "Why rent four houses in the same neighborhood? Why not have the mother and sisters live together? And why are the sisters living here, anyway?" But, you know...whatever. They're rich.

But then I started walking my neighborhood in the evenings. One night I saw the neighbor's car parked in another driveway. No biggie. Probably visiting his mother or a sister. But then as I passed the house, he was in the doorway kissing a woman who was not Al Bundy. This was not a sisterly kiss. This was like when Angelina Jolie made out with her brother at the Oscars. But, what do I know? Maybe that's how siblings do things in Saudi Arabia. Men hold hands there. Who am I to judge?

But as the months went on, I noticed that his car would be at one of the other houses every night. In fact, it would be at the same house every night for a month, and then it would be at one of the other houses every night for a month, and then it would at the third house every night for a month, then back in the driveway next door for a month. Are you seeing a pattern here?

So, I could be totally wrong, but my hunch is that one of the women really is his mother, but that the three "sisters" are actually wives.

I really, really hope I'm right. I mean, polygamy is no big deal in Saudi Arabia. It's totally legal and there are even laws in place to protect the wives. It's not like we're talking about crazy fundamentalist Mormon break-offs marrying 12 year old girls.

Because the thing is, if I'm wrong, this guy has a very disturbing relationship with his sisters.

Who says life in rural Georgia is boring?

Monday, March 15, 2010

We're all just surfing the internet anyway. We can do that in the dark.

I hate daylight savings time. Hate. It.

This is what I've been listening to for the past 20 minutes:

"But it's not bedtime because the sun is still out!"

"How can we sleep when it's still daytime?"

"It's still morning!"

Liam is still screaming and crying about it.

George Vernon Hudson, you can bite me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Lost time.

When I typed in that title I only meant that it was finally time to talk about Lost this week. But, I just realized that it also explains why I feel like I lost a freakin' hour of sleep last night. I hate moving the clocks ahead. Why do we still do this? WHY??? It makes me want to live in Arizona.

Anyway. Lost.

Since it's been almost a week, I'm a little fuzzy on the details. But here's what I remember.

1. Jack finally put on his big girl panties and didn't spend the whole episode crying.

2. I'm so, so glad Ben redeemed himself in both timelines. He's been my favorite character since he first showed up.

3. No Sawyer AGAIN. At least he was in the previews for next week. I really want to know what he's been up to while Unlocke has been out killing everybody and building an army.

4. Widmore is back in the sub. Do you think he's good or bad? I'm guessing bad. And I think Desmond will show up soon, too. And I think Desmond will somehow be key in resolving everything.

5. Answers we got in this episode: Richard did in fact land on the island in the Black Rock slave ship and Jacob made him immortal. Everything that happened up until 1977 still happened, and then that point is where the timelines split (There had been some question about this, but the conversation Ben had with his dad seemed to confirm it. They went to the island when Ben was a child, but they left soon after).

And...that's it.

I think I need to re-watch it before Tuesday.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Not awesome.

The good news:

Sylwia was wrong about my eyes falling out. Believe me, it was one of the first things I asked my endocrinologist. He assured me that the eyeball remains attached to the muscles, so they'll never fall out. (Sorry, Sylwia. I'm going to take the word of the doctor with 20 years of experience who specializes in this over the word of your husband who is still a resident.)

The bad news:

They could end up like this.


NOT AWESOME!! NOT AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Luckily, I shouldn't get to that point. We caught it relatively early. But, umm, if I do end up looking like this, you'll still love me, right internets? Right???)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

It's like a rest home around here.

So, Liam and Amelia have some sort plague that has turned them into little puking machines. They're passed out on the couch.

I'm still feeling pretty craptastic myself, and now I may have whole new freaking disease to blame for it.

My doctor called this morning with my lab results. Turns out I'm not having a flare up of Lupus after all, and my kidneys are spectacularly healthy. So that's the good news.

The bad news is that my thyroid levels were uber-crazy-abnormal. Apparently I have acute hyperthyroidism. There could be several things causing it. A virus, which means it's just temporary. Unfortunately the likelihood of that is pretty low. A tumor, which would suck. Or Grave's Disease, which is the most likely cause. Grave's disease, like Lupus, is an autoimmune disorder. If I have it, it means that my immune system has decided that my thyroid is the enemy and is attacking it.


My immune system needs anger management classes.

Anyway, next week I get to get pumped full of radioactive iodine (which by the way, I'm allergic to!) to see exactly what's up. And then two days later I get to find out what the crazy lump in my abdomen is. Seriously, someone needs to get Kathy Griffin on speed dial. That eulogy won't write itself.

Oh, and further proof that I'm the unluckiest person alive? The vast majority of people lose weight with hyperthyroidism. I've gained weight. Thanks, universe.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm choosing the nap.

O.K., internets. I have a choice: Blog or nap. I'm choosing the nap.

But, here, read this. It cracked me up. It was originally posted by Sarah at Que Sera Sera. Enjoy, and I'll be back tomorrow to rant about how Sawyer wasn't on Lost again last night.

I hope they don't have kids in hell

We lie in bed at night and discuss all the ways we could screw up our future children.

“I don’t know... giving them a sexual or religious hang-up just seems so boring.”

“We could tell them that a long time ago, before Mommy and Daddy met, Daddy was in jail for accidentally killing a little boy who wet the bed.”

“We could tell them that a long time ago, before Mommy and Daddy met, Mommy had a whole other family, but one day those children were too loud, so Mommy had to leave them and get a new family, this one here with you and Daddy. It’s okay because we know you’ll never be that loud, especially in the mornings.”

“We could tell them we’re really aliens, and that they’re aliens too.”

“The way you know you’re aliens is because you have special parts down here. Humans don’t have those parts. Like when you look at a Barbie or Ken doll, they don’t have bits like you do, do they? That’s because they’re made to look like humans.”

“And if you think you see those bits on a human, that’s actually just your alien vision making you see them.”

“But you must never ask grandma and grandpa about it because they’re robots who don’t know they’re robots and definitely don’t know we’re aliens.”

“If you ever tell grandma and grandpa, it would blow their circuits and we’d have to shut them down forever, all because you told.”

“Then we’d have to leave all your friends and toys and go back to our homeworld.”

“We’re very poor on our homeworld.”

“That’s why we left it, but we didn’t get permission to leave, so we’d be in a lot of trouble if we went back.”

“On our homeworld, the way they punish you for doing something wrong is to put your children in jail.”

“Night night, now! Sweet dreams!”

“You’ll let Mommy and Daddy sleep late tomorrow, won’t you?”


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Jodi Picoult can bite me.

So, I just finished reading My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. And after I closed the book, I threw it across the room in a fit of rage.

I wasn't angry at the characters or the story. I was angry with the author. I felt betrayed as a reader. BETRAYED!

I don't want to give anything away, but the ending made me want to slap Jodi Picoult around until she changed it to something more satisfying. It doesn't have to be a happy ending--I'm not asking for that. But an ending that doesn't make you feel like the emotions you invested in the previous 400 pages were a waste would be nice.

I haven't seen the movie, but in this case I think that the movie might be better than the book (even though I can't for the life of me picture Cameron Diaz as the mom). I'm sure it ends the same way, but you've only invested an hour and a half at that point. It might be easier to take.

Have any of you read it? Am I just crazy for feeling this way?

Monday, March 8, 2010

So, speaking of Kathy Griffin...

Have you read her book?

You should read her book.

Actually, some of you shouldn't read her book. Sylwia--don't read her book.

If you're offended by swearing (an average of one F-bomb per page), homosexuality (she loves her gays), and think pop culture, Hollywood and reality TV are of the devil (or at least a big waste of time and brain cells) then this book isn't for you.

If you read the first line of the book--"Have you ever looked at the online photos of Britney's peesh?"--and have no idea who Britney is, let alone what a peesh is, you should probably go read Little Women instead.

But, if you're like me (and I know a lot of you are), you'll probably love this book.

First of all, she is hilarious. I wish I had half her wit. Will kept looking at me like I was insane because I kept breaking into fits of hysterical laughter.

Second, it's way more than just funny stories about celebrities she's dealt with, her plastic surgery disasters and her life on the D-list. She spends several chapters talking about some really painful life experiences and how they have molded her into who she is today. I liked her a lot before I read the book, but I finished the book with a whole new level of admiration for her.

On the downside, I'll never look at donuts the same again.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Hungry Like the Wolf

When I was a Latin Club geek in high school, I learned that lupus was the Latin word for wolf.

When I was 32, I learned that it also means fatigue, light sensitivity, achy joints, temporary blindness and kidney failure.

Yup, internets, I have Lupus.

I promise, I wasn't holding out on you--a lot of you already know anyway. And it just never came up. I had a tiny, brief flare up for a few days this summer, but other than that it hasn't reared its ugly head since early 2008.

Until this past Friday.

I knew something was up. I could feel it.

I slept for hours and hours on Friday. My mouth broke out with sores. My lymphnodes were all swollen--even the ones in my legs and arms. On Saturday, my knuckles were so stiff and sore I could barely open my water bottle. And then the headache kicked in.

This mornng I woke up feeling exactly like I did the morning I was admitted to the hospital for an emergency c-section to deliver Amelia due to pre-ecclampsia. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were puffed shut, my ankles were more like cankles. That's how I looked that day, too.

So, I checked my blood pressure--it was sky high. I laid down for awhile and it came down to a still high but non-scary level.

This likely means one thing. The lupus is picking on my kidneys again. That's what it did in 2008, too. That was fun--Will was in Iraq and I ended up in the hospital in stage 3 renal failure. Luckily, some steroids and a single dose of Cytoxan (a chemotherapy drug, yay) got me back to normal with fully functioning kidneys within a few days.

So, although it kind of sucks--O.k., sucks a lot--it's better than what it did to me twice in 2007. In April and August of 2007 it made me mostly blind. But that was before we knew I had lupus, and I was just an annoying mystery to the doctors (those were the days when, no matter what symptoms I went in with, I was pretty much told that there was nothing wrong with me that losing 100 pounds wouldn't cure. That didn't fly for blindness). In about 24 hours I went from 20/20 vision to needing 5X magnification glasses just to see enough to function (I still couldn't read or drive or see if my dishes were clean). Both times it lasted for about 10 days and then my vision returned to normal. Being mostly blind was awful.

Some other fun things that I have that are attributed to lupus:
  • Raynaud's Syndrome, which is harmless, but it makes my fingers turn extremely white and then blue when they get cold.
  • Extreme sensitivity to sunlight. This has been going on for years, but I just thought I was weird. Bright sunlight is extremely painful to my eyes. I even have nightmares about being in blindingly bright sun and not being able to close my eyes.
  • Arthritis in my hands.
  • Severe neuropathy in my feet, and now it's beginning in my hands. It had always been attributed to being diabetic, and it likely was from that, but now they think it's continuing to get worse because of the lupus. The same way it attacks my optic nerve making me mostly blind, it attacks my other nerves causing numbness, burning and tingling in my hands and feet. If you ever drop by and see Will or the kids beating the crap out of my feet, legs and arms, don't call the cops. They're doing it at my request (and let me tell you, the kids freakin' love it when mommy asks them to slap her as hard as they can). Oddly, it provides relief from the burning and tingling and pins-and-needles sensations that are constantly there.
So anyway, this isn't a woe-is-me post. I'm not looking for your sympathy. It's just that I tell you guys everything, and this is a big something right now, so I figured you should know.

And remember--if I die, the instructions are HERE and HERE. Don't let me down. For real. If Kathy Griffin doesn't give the eulogy I'll haunt every last one of you, and not in a friendly ghost kind of way.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Hey, fellow BGWers--do you recognize those stairs?

So, I started my morning with a conference with Liam's teacher and the assistant principal. He wasn't in trouble, but they wanted to discuss a few behaviors that they're worried could become problems in the future.
  • He's a perfectionist.
  • He's stubborn.
  • He's rigid in his routine and hates having it thrown off.
  • He has a melt down (or as his southern-fried teacher says, "pitches a fit and caterwauls") when he doesn't get his way.
  • He always thinks he's right and is extremely difficult to convince otherwise.
I don't understand it. I mean, where would he get those traits? I don't know anyone like that. It's a mystery.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Thoughts from the Queen of Randomland

Anyone can be the Mayor of Randomtown. I have higher aspirations.
I. Dear Sarah,
No matter what happens now, you'll always have this:

This is proof that you are still more awesome than the other 99.999% of the population whose brilliant ideas never get a half page write up singing their praises in Better Homes and Freaking Gardens.

II. They were doing drawings at the Y today for customer appreciation. I won this.

Call me crazy, but if your business is running a gym, isn't it counter productive to give away home exercise equipment to your paying members? (And even more ironic, it's made by Gold's Gym.)

III. Lost is starting to piss me off. First of all, NO SAWYER!!! Not even for half a second. I mean, where is he? Last I knew, he was helping Unlocke. Why wasn't he with him at Claire's camp, and why wasn't he with him at the temple? Second of all, I hate that Sayid can't remain good on or off the island, in any timeline or reality. I really just want him to be a good guy, but he's apparently pure evil now. Thirdly, STILL NO REAL ANSWERS! Consider us fighting, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. (But on a non-pissed off note, I think Hurley will be the next Jacob.)

IV. This picture pretty much sums up Will's and my relationship.

My side................Will's side.

V. I'm renting 2012 tomorrow. The reviews were awful, which makes me even more excited to see it. Oh, and it has John Cusack. Disaster movie + Ridiculous storyline + Lloyd Dobler = Best Friday night ever.

VI. When I'm at the check out at a store and I see that someone has tried to sign the digital touchpad with a real pen, I want to write down their name (because, you know, it's right there in PEN) and track them down and punch them in the throat.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Call me Linda.

O.K., so about that scary, crazy guy yesterday.

I was running a little later than usual (because Amelia is either about to start her period 8 years early or she's possessed), so I didn't bother to bring my MP3 player--I was only going to have about 20 minutes before my spin class started. That was my first mistake. Apparently it's an invitation for people to chat with you.

So, I was on a machine and the guy next to me struck up a conversation. Have I mentioned that I dislike talking with strangers, especially when I'm trying to exercise? I do. Anyway, here's an approximate transcript of that conversation (stick with it. It may seem boring at the start, but it gets scary and creepy. Trust me.):

Scary, creepy guy (SCG): Well, it looks like I have a workout buddy today!
Me: ...
SCG: So, how long have you been coming here?
Me: About a year.
SCG: That's great! Do you take any classes?
Me: Spinning and Commando Cardio.
SCG: Do you work?
Me: No, I stay home with my kids.
SCG: Oh yeah? How old are they?
Me: (already getting a creepy vibe from this weirdo, so I decided to be deliberately vague) Umm, two in school. One at home.
SCG: Oh, girls or boys?
Me: Some of each.
SCG: Do you see a lot of movies?
Me: (now not only getting a creepy vibe, but also wondering of he's hitting on me) No, my husband and I enjoy hanging out at home.
SCG: What kind of movies do you like?
Me: Comedies, dramas...
SCG: Do you like horror movies?
Me: No, actually I don't.
SCG: I love them. I get such a rush from them. I mean, you get to watch someone kill someone and it's O.K.! You can watch people die but it's alright because it's all just made up! I mean, you can watch people die in a lot of movies, like action movies, but it's different, you know? What I like about horror movies is the fear in the eyes right before they die. And the blood and gore--it's so lifelike. It makes it easier to forget that it's all pretend.
Me: ...
SCG: I think you just need to give the horror genre a chance. Want to come see Shutter Island with me?
Me: No thanks. Like I said, I'm married.
SCG: So. We can go as friends, right? We're friends now.
Me: No, I still don't think it would be a good idea.
SCG: Why won't you go? Are you afraid of me or something? What? Are you afraid I'll rape you? Kidnap you? Kill you?
Me: (Thinking yes to all of the above) No, no. Of course not. It's just not my thing. Sorry. So, I've got to get going now (as I grab my stuff as quickly as possible).
SCG: Hey, I didn't get your name, workout buddy.
Me: I'm Linda.

Seriously, I'm a crazy magnet.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Fresh out of titles.

So, I have a story about a crazy (seriously, he's insane) guy who wouldn't leave me alone at the gym today, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I apparently need to talk about yesterday's post.

I don't know if my tone was unclear, or...I don't know...

I got a lot of e-mails trying to cheer me up, telling me that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me. I got a lot of e-mails telling me I was brave for sharing "such painful memories."

Internets--I was laughing as I typed those stories. I'm laughing now thinking about them. Sure, I suffered some embarrassment as they happened, but we all have embarrassing moments. Some of us just have more than others.

There was no bravery involved in writing about it. It happened, and it was funny (in retrospect) and I thought you might think it was funny, too. Unfortunately, reading about my misfortune just made a lot of you feel uncomfortable. Sorry about that.

I guess I simply don't see any reason to not share that kind of thing. In case you haven't noticed, this isn't one of those blogs where I tell you how perfect my life is and how I'm "seriously, so blessed."

Sure, sometimes it's a blog like that--I'm not opposed to gloating about sharing my successes. But I also try to be as honest as possible here. And the fact is, I totally farted in Wal-Mart and likely traumatized a kid in the process.

I look at a lot of blogs and they seem like they only cover the high points of life. That's great, but I think it does a disservice to your posterity (who, according to you, are the reason you keep a blog in the first place). If you're going to record your life, record all of it. If your child is acting like a demon, blog about it, preferably with pictures and video. I think they'll appreciate that when they're older a lot more than just a list of their accomplishments (not that you should leave out the accomplishments either).

And I think my great grand kids will get a better sense of who I am by reading this blog than some of your great grand kids will ever have of you if you never record a negative, inappropriate, self deprecating or at the end of your rope thought.

O.K., so now I'm rambling and I'm not even sure what my point is anymore. Mainly, I guess I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel bad for me, because I don't feel bad for me. And I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

Anyway--come back tomorrow. I think he was hitting on me but he was just crazy enough that I'm not sure...