Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Decade

If you haven't seen this video yet, take a few minutes to watch it. Nine-year-olds are interviewed about the first decade of the new millennium (their entire lifetime). If you can get past feeling really, really old, it's pretty interesting.

The decade according to 9-year-olds from allison louie-garcia on Vimeo.

Happy New Year, internets!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I know. I'm sorry.

Sorry, internets. I've been a delinquent blogger. And it's not going to get any better this week. My kids are still home all day (Parenting tip: Kids driving you crazy and it's too cold and wet for them to play outside? Back the car out of the garage and force, errr, I mean let them play in there). And Will is home at noon every day. And we have some new Wii games that I've been wasting time on (Tetris Party is awesome. If any of you have also downloaded it and would like to get your butt virtually kicked by me, let me know and we can arrange a time to play online). And we're still geeking out about Settlers of Catan and spending a couple of hours a day playing it. other words, I'm enjoying these rare two weeks of lazy family time. But don't fret--I still lurve you, internets. Next Monday life is back to normal.

By the way, I like this kid. A lot.

Sunday, December 27, 2009


So, after I posted that really horrible picture of myself on Friday, there were a number of you who e-mailed me expressing concerns that I have gotten too skinny.

First of all, thank you for being concerned about me.

Second of all, jealous much?

(I'm kidding, people).

But anyway, I had Will snap a picture this morning just to show you that I'm actually a healthy, normal weight (in fact, with my seven pounds of bloat and chocolate and pulled pork, I'm actually back into the overweight range for my height).

See? Not too skinny.

Friday, December 25, 2009

December 25th.

First it was all

Then they were all

Then it was all

Now I'm all

(Hope your Christmas was equally awesome)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Semi-inappropriate joke

O.K., I know you've probably already heard this one, but I hadn't and I'm still giggling.

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger woods?

Santa stops at three hos.

(This joke was totally stolen from Scout at The United States of Motherhood)

From the Archives: The One About the Pool Incident

Today's post is one I've been getting requests to re-post all week. Here you go.

Get Out of the Pool You Filthy, Filthy Whore (Originally posted February 3rd, 2009)

So, today being Tuesday, I went to do laps in the pool at the Y.

They only had 4 lap lanes open, all being used, but you're supposed to double up. So, I hop in the widest lane and start my laps.

The next thing I know, the man who was also in the lane grabbed my arm and started yelling at me.

He was an older man--60-ish, probably, and Middle Eastern. My guess would be Saudi. Now, please please please don't send me hate mail about this. I am simply stating the facts as they happened.

He tells me that I can't be in this lane. Silly me thinks that he means he doesn't want to share the lane period. So, I point to the sign stating that lanes must be shared. He says no, I as a filthy dirty whore, cannot share the lane with a man.

Excuse me?

Then he starts a whole tirade about the travesty of having to share a whole pool with filthy whores (I swear, those were his words), but to have one in the same lane was beyond what he could tolerate. Because, you know, those floaty dividers are going to keep my filthy whore cooties off of him.

I told him to suck it and continued my laps.

By this point the life guard had come over and was dealing with him. He left shortly after.

He has every right to believe that women are filthy whores if they don a swimsuit and swim in public with (gasp!) men, but don't come to a public pool in the United States of America--a public pool in a building with the word Christian in its name no less--and expect all the women to clear out.

If I see him there again I think I might flash my boobs at him or something.

He picked the wrong filthy whore to mess with.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

From the Archives: A Christmas Tragedy

I'm taking a little blogging break this week, but I'll be posting some favorites from the archives.

A Christmas Tragedy (originally posted December 16, 2008. By the way, the crime scene tape is up again this year).

Dateline: Grovetown, Georgia
December 16th, 2008

Santa's annual office party turned tragic this year when a domestic dispute turned violent.

An altercation involving elf couple Margaret and Jerry Whitmore occurred when Jerry learned that Margaret had been "stuffing stockings" with family friend and co-worker, Hermey Martin.

Margaret and Jerry Whitmore

Hermey Martin

The fight quickly escalated into a brawl, with at least 30 elves and an unidentified reindeer being transported to local hospitals for treatment.

A local unit of toy soldiers was called in to maintain order.

Whitmore and Martin were both arrested and are being held on a 50,000 candy cane bail. They were both found to have blood hot chocolate levels twice the legal limit.

A spokesperson from Santa's office could not be reached for comment.

Or at least that's the only thing I could think of that would warrant so much crime scene tape around the City of Grovetown Light Display.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Mailbag Monday: A Letter From Me!

Today's Mailbag Monday is a little different. Today you'll get a letter from me--The Obligatory Christmas Letter. I don't know if I love them or hate them, but I always feel the need to send one (and by send I mean e-mail, because despite my best intentions I never actually get cards sent out in the mail). So, please to enjoy.

And don't worry, your regularly scheduled hate mail will be back next Monday.

Dear Family and Friends (and blog readers),

This year has been a year of big changes for us.

In January I had gastric bypass surgery. The first attempt resulted in the discovery of a bowling ball sized ovarian cyst (further proof that I am, in fact, a freak), so the actual bypass took place a week later. I have since lost 155 pounds. I'm finally a "normal weight" according to the BMI chart. More importantly, I no longer have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or sleep apnea. I'm also off insulin and will likely be off the small dose of oral diabetic medication I still need within the next 6 months. Even more importantly, I'm wearing a size 6.

Since exercise is a necessary part of the process, I've been spending a lot of hours at the Y every week. I discovered that I really love exercise and I'm starting a program to become a personal trainer. That's a career field that never would have been a consideration a year ago.

In May Will was accepted to become a Warrant Officer. He attended Warrant Officer Candidate School in Alabama for 5 weeks in October/November. In January he'll begin the advanced leg of the training that lasts for 6 months. Luckily that part is here, so we don't have to move until July. Right now he's enjoying a month of coming and going as he pleases at work. It's been nice having him home for dinner every night.

Amelia missed the cut off for Pre-K by 13 days, so she's been home with me again this year. Luckily she's (usually) pretty easy and entertains herself. She finally (at 4 years old!) got the potty training thing down, so we're officially a diaper free family.

Liam had a rough start in Kindergarten--he's not a big fan of structure--but has settled in and seems to be doing much better. His health has been great, but he will be getting his next heart surgery this summer. His replacement artery is finally wearing out and needs to be replaced. Unfortunately, this will be something he'll have to have done every 5 years or so for the rest of his life.

Ben started 5th grade this year, and has been actively pursuing a future as an evil genius. His most recent accomplishment was entering a quilt in the county fair and winning the $80 Best in Show prize. Unfortunately, he didn't actually make the quilt--his grandmother did. So, he's been spending a lot of time returning prize money and writing apology letters.

It hasn't all been conning and conniving, though. He did break the school reading score record, and just performed a leading role as Scrooge (talk about fitting!) in the school Christmas concert.

And that's about it. Next year I'll be writing this from someplace new--more than likely the frigid cold of upstate New York.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


P.S. Click HERE to see our past family Christmas pictures (or as I like to call it, the "how fat was Brandi and how bad was her hair?" game).

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Douglasses:The Next Generation

Just doing our part in raising the next generation of geeks.

We bought Settlers of Catan and all its awesomely nerdy expansion games as an early family Christmas present. This is why you haven't heard from me for 48 hours.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Lunchtime Poll Topic #22

Today's LTPT was submitted by my old friend, "D."

Celebrity baby names: Discuss.

What are your favorite celebrity baby names? What are the craziest you've heard?

"D" says he's a fan of Bronx Mowgli (son of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz) and Jermajesty (son of Jermaine Jackson). (Hey D, I totally think you need to name your firstborn Jermajesty. Or Karen.)

I'll admit that there are a few crazy celebrity baby names that I actually like. My favorite is Scout (daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis). I also like Sunday Rose (daughter of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban).

But mostly? Mostly I think they're crazy.

Here are a few that definitely make the top of the "Really? You're going to name your child that?" list:

Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn Gillette of Penn and Teller)
Kal El (son of Nicholas Cage, and in case you didn't know, Kal El was Superman's name)
Dweezil Zappa
Moon Unit Zappa
Diva Muffin Zappa (children of musician Frank Zappa. And seriously? Diva Muffin?)
Fifi Trixibelle Geldof
Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof
Little Pixie Geldof (children of musician Bob Geldof and TV host Paula Yates)

O.k., I have to stop before my spell check explodes.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thursday Morning Confessions

Internets! I only have about 30 seconds while I eat lunch to post today. This is going to be short. Sorry. If it's any consolation, not only have I been a neglectful blogger, but I've also been a neglectful wife, mother and friend. So, at least you're in good company.

Today's confession:

I just bought Jalapeno Kettle chips and a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Trees and I have every intention of eating the entire contents of both bags over Christmas weekend.

This is also why I've started doing double workouts this week. It's a preemptive strike.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

He's probably a relative.

I knew this guy was from Maine before I read the caption. Not necessarily because of the bungee cord (duct tape, however, would have been a dead giveaway), but because of the pants and shirt. I've seen that exact same outfit on old men in Maine my entire life. In fact, if he hadn't died years ago, I'd swear that was a picture of my grandfather.

On a related note, any white woman under 60 with this hairstyle is also probably from Maine:

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mailbag Monday: Short and Sweet Edition

Sorry, I know it's almost not Monday anymore. Better late than never, right? Here are some quickies from the inbox.

If you could look like any celebrity, who would it be?"

Hmm. Ummmm. Hmm. I'm thinking...
I'm going to go with Liv Tyler. I've always found her strikingly beautiful. I'm sure I'll probably think of someone else later.

What's your favorite color?"

Green. It has been for as long as I can remember.


Are you on Santa's naughty or nice list this year?"

That depends on who you're talking to.


Are there things you won't talk about on your

Yes. But I can't tell you what they are.

Hate Mail of the Day:

"I just wasted 15 minutes of my life that I can't back reading this drivel. You are the most self important person I've ever had the displeasure to encounter. Do us all a favor and stop wasting bandwidth.
Ethan B*******"
[Ethan-- Why on earth did you keep reading for 15 minutes?]

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Why I'm Awesome

1. Because last night we won the Gingerbread House contest at the ward Christmas party. There was only supposed to be one winner, but ours was so awesome they had to create a whole new category just so we could get a prize.

That's right. We made a saloon. At a church function.
I wonder if we would have won if the judges had known there were little candy prostitutes and gamblers inside?

2. Because after 14 long months I have finally reached my goal weight! I am officially 150 pounds as of this morning. I'm officially a "normal" weight. I've lost 155 pounds--more than half of my body weight.

Bask in my awesomeness.
Just don't stare too hard at that shirt or you'll get a seizure.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Lunchtime Poll Topic #21

I know, it's more like breakfast time, but I won't be home at lunch.

Today's LTPT was submitted by Ariella. I don't know why she's asking--she has great hair--but here it is:

What are the best hair products out there?

What's best for curly? For straight? For thin? For thick? For shine? For volume? You get the idea .

I've recently found a product that I will never go without again. It's CHI Silk Infusion. I love it because it's makes my crazy, frizzy hair smooth (whether I leave it curly or straighten it) without being oily or "crunchy." It just makes it smooth and shiny. Period. Once my hair is almost dry, I rub about a dime-size amount between my palms and lightly smooth it over the frizz and flyaways. It's like magic.

I also have very thin hair now, and I've been using Samy Fat Hair shampoo and conditioner. It makes a difference--it felt thicker after about three uses.

What works best for you?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday Morning Confessions

This picture is unrelated to the post, but it made my freakin' day.

Happy Thursday! Let's read more stuff about me that you probably don't really care to know.

1. I took my first ever spinning class today. And I did it in addition to my normal workout. I can't walk. It should make my weekly 13 mile bike ride with Sylwia tomorrow interesting.

2. I have no idea who won Top Chef last night because Dish Network took away my Bravo without warning.

3. I did four loads of laundry on Monday. It's still piled up on a bench at the foot of my bed waiting to be folded. And I need to do at least two more loads today. Maybe I'll just never fold it. Maybe we'll just fish clothes out of the pile when we need them forever. It's been working all week.

4. I've never used a rice cooker (but that will all change in about an hour).

5. I'm uber-ticklish. And I have gotten violent with people who have tickled me. Like, I've given bloody noses over it. So, umm, don't tickle me. Ever.

6. I sometimes have nightmares about having extremely bright and intense sunlight glaring in my eyes and it won't go away even if I close them. What do you think it means?

7. It's still looking promising for new boobs in the New Year. I should be able to get the tummy tuck paid for by insurance after we move in July. So, I'll be a freak with perfectly perky boobs but a floppy, hanging pannus for several months.

8. I'm currently addicted to roasted brussels sprouts.

9. We're not going on a vaction next week after all. I finally got Will to concede, but then I looked at the amount of money it would cost for just two days and one night and I had second thoughts. Instead, I'm going to spend the money on number 10:

10. I'm going to get certified as a personal trainer. Marianne (Who is a big weenie head, by the way. She knows why.) inspired the idea, and I've been mulling it over for awhile now. Yesterday I decided that I really want to do it, even though it means I'll actually have to talk to people. I figure if I tell all of you I can't chicken out now.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Lunchtime Poll Topic: Bonus!

O.k., today is a bonus LTPT, and it's totally self serving. I need you to help settle a "discussion" my husband and I are having. And no, it's not even about the vacation (I think I've convinced him of a night in the Embassy Hotel overlooking the Christmas lights in Centennial Park in Atlanta with a trip to the aquarium and Ikea and some dining out). This is a different "discussion."

When you move into a new place, do you clean the bathrooms and kitchen before you move in?

I do. Even if it appears clean, I don't know the cleaning habits of the person who lived there before me. They may have used the same rag to wipe down the toilet that they used to wipe down the fridge (without washing it first). I had a roommate in college who used the same gloves she cleaned the bathroom with to wash the dishes (needless to say, I washed my own). So yeah. I clean the bathrooms and kitchen before we start moving in.

Will, however, says that I'm the only person he knows who does this and that it's because I'm crazy. I know that I'm germ-phobic, but I highly doubt I'm the only person who does this. But, maybe I am.

So, do you?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Because I know you're all wondering what to send me for Christmas.

1. A pair of THESE. I don't care what pattern.

2. THIS dress.

3. A tummy tuck and some new boobs. And now I kind of want my arms done, too. I have flappy wings, which are especially sexy since they fold in half under my clothes and rub against themselves causing awesome skin tags.

4. An Ikea less than two hours away. I was spoiled in Germany and Maryland where I had at least two within a 30 minute drive. Here the closest one is two hours away in Atlanta. When we move the closest one will be two hours away in Ottawa, Ontario. I will have to leave the country to go to Ikea.

5. A vacation. A real one. I don't care where (well, O.K., I kinda do. I want it to be away from Augusta, Georgia). I really just want to be in a decent hotel with the kids in their own room, and I want to relax. Any suggestions? Any suggestions I could actually afford?

I was looking at going to Charleston, SC during the week leading up to Christmas. I found a good deal at a very nice hotel where we could stay in a suite and we'd be in our own bedrooms for less than it would cost to rent two rooms in a crappy hotel. But, Will is cheap. He said, "for that price we could stay home and do all kinds of fun stuff." So I said, "Like what?" He replied, "Go kart racing, mini golf, laser tag..." And that's when I sort of flipped out a little. And all the women out there reading this know why. That is not a vacation. It may be fun (for him and the kids), but who will still have to clean the bathrooms that week? Me. Who will still have to cook all the meals? Me. who will still have to do every single thing she normally does in addition to all the "fun" I'd be having here in rural Georgia? Me.

So I want a vacation for me. Me me me. Me. Maybe I should leave him at home to have "fun" with the kids and I'll go someplace sweet for a few days. I hear are there are some nice spas in Savannah...

Monday, December 7, 2009

Mailbag Monday

So, based on feedback, a lot of you want this to be a weekly thing. Ask and ye shall receive.

Dear Brandi,

You know that restaurants are probably more disgusting than anyone's dirty kitchen, right?

Listen, there are certain lies we all tell ourselves just to get through the day. "My butt isn't that big." "My kids are smart and well behaved." "My life is better than yours." Whatever. We all have something we tell ourselves because we need to believe it. My personal lie is that all restaurant kitchens are gleaming and sterile and all restaurant employees are hygienic.


What's your favorite blog?

Ooooh. Good question. This was a tough decision, but I'm going to go with Salami Tsunami. I've read every single post he's ever written, and with the rare exception of the few that made me cry, they all made me laugh out loud. He writes well. He's witty. He's observant. He's logical and rational. All the things I wish I was. My only warning for some of you is that he swears occasionally. Well, O.K., a lot.

Douglass Diaries,

Why are CJane and NieNie still on your blog list if you find them SO annoying (which they're not, by the way. I find it hilarious that someone as annoying as you can often be has the gall to call others annoying!)

I kept CJane on my list because I'm still holding out hope that the annoyingness is a phase and she'll eventually get over it and go back to being funny and endearing and goofy. As for NieNie, I still think she has an amazing story and I want people to know about it. I want people to see that you can get through anything. I can be upset and annoyed about the financial issue I talked about, and I can still find some of her posts annoying for other reasons, yet still find the story she has to share one that I want people to read.

*Hate Mail of the Day*

This will continue to be part of Monday Mailbag, and here's the fun part: I want you guys to submit your own response (via the comments) and I'll choose the best one and use it as my reply to the author. I would love to just post the author's e-mail address and let you all have at it, but that's probably illegal, or at least against Blogger's rules.


I came across your site through a comment you left on [name withheld]'s blog. I was really enjoying it until I read your post about proposition 8.

Do you take the sacrament with the same hand you typed that blasphemous filth with? How can you call yourself a Christian let alone a member of the LDS faith and think for one second gay marriage is O.K.? I know you said that you don't believe it to be sanctioned by God, and you would not support it in our church but how can you even begin to think that a civil union would still be O.K.?

Also, I think you should know that the article you posted that was supposedly written by Elder Holland is false. My brother works for the church public relations in Salt Lake City and he said that the article was written and distributed by people trying to make the church look like it accepts homosexuality in some form. You need to let your readers know that the article was NOT written by an apostle. That article has spread through the Church and has led members to falsely believe that homosexuals can be upstanding members of the church and partake of the sacrament, hold callings and attend the temple. It's not true!

I think that if you followed the commandments more closely you'd find that your older son would cause less trouble and your younger son would be healed of his medical issues.

I will be praying for you,

[Hey Bonnie--the artcle I posted came directly from, and it also was printed in the Ensign. Your brother needs to check his facts. Or you do. One of you has been grossly misinformed.]

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Skinny Day

O.K., so most days I still feel fat, but yesterday I actually felt skinny so I took a picture. I don't necessarily look any skinnier, but just the fact that I didn't feel like a saggy cow made it worth documenting.

1. I've lost 120 pounds. 5 more to go...
2. There were no Spanx involved in this picture.
3. I know, I know. The two pictures are completely out of proportion with each other, so not a very good before and after representation. That's what happens when you let a 10 year old take the picture.

And no, I don't normally run around in spandex tops. We were getting ready to go for a family bike ride. In the cold.

I bought this shell just for my weekly bike rides. This was the first time I'd worn it.
A bird took a giant crap on it sometime during the ride.

And despite the layers, I still froze. The combination of nearly two years in The South and losing half my body weight has made me a complete sissy in cold weather. It was 39 degrees, but to me it may as well have been 20 below. What am I going to do when we move six inches from the Canadian border? You know, besides trade in my cute-but-not-very-functional winter coats for a real coat that's not very cute but will at least prevent hypothermia when I walk out the door.

One reason we went biking in the frigid air was to try out Liam's new tandem bike attachment.
We told Ben a million times to bring a coat. He refused. He froze. I didn't feel even a little bit bad.

Liam was a trooper. He lasted all 13 miles, with only one small dragging incident when he decided to just get off while Will was still going. Luckily there were no lasting injuries.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Bad Santa.

Have you watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer lately? You know, the old one with the Abominable Snowman and Hermey the Elf and the Island of Misfit Toys?

I hadn't really watched it in years, but the kids watched it last night.

Holy crap on a pancake, Santa is a mean old bastard. Sorry, but that's the most fitting word.

He's really, really mean to Rudolph (and Rudolph's parents for having the audacity to give birth to a freak). I can see the other reindeer being mean because he's different. I can see kids rejecting misfit toys. I can see the other elves making fun of Hermey because he just wants to be gay, errr, a dentist. But Santa? Santa is supposed to be about peace and love and the Christmas spirit. He's not supposed to be making fun of someone born with a congenital defect.

I mean, would it be a classic movie adored by millions if Santa made fun of a kid with a cleft lip? Doubtful.

And you know what really chapped my hide? Santa wasn't all that remorseful about it until he realized Rudolph's defect could benefit him. If there was no storm that night requiring Rudolph to light the way, would Santa have said sorry? Who wrote this crap, anyway?

Oh, and if you do watch it, listen for the line about "getting the women home where they belong." Oh, 1964...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Lunchtime Poll Topic #20

First, I've been inundated with e-mails about my comments regarding NieNie and CJane yesterday. Apparently most of you (like, hundreds of you) are also secretly (and not so secretly) annoyed by CJane. However, saying something bad about NieNie was apparently the equivalent of badmouthing Jesus Himself.

Here's all I'm going to say about the matter: I'm sure Stephanie Nielson is a wonderful person. I admire her strength and faith--I'm not sure I'd be able to handle this trial in the way she has. Yes, she has been through something harder than most people will ever, ever have to deal with and if she wants to have nice things and take trips, she's entitled to do so. BUT! All those things do not make you exempt from criticism. And I felt (and still feel) the need to criticize the fact that she seems to almost flaunt her lifestyle despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of people--average people, some likely struggling to get by and provide for their own families--gave of their time, talent and cold, hard cash to raise money for her. It was presented that they were in dire need of financial help because of the astronomical medical bills.

So, if you're going to accept donations, don't throw it back in the faces of those who supported you by posting things like your favorite $200 friggin' corsage and pictures of your fabulous vacations and your Anthropologie-decorated home and kids dressed in $100 sweaters. I'm not saying she shouldn't have those things, and perhaps she owned a lot of it before the crash. But those of us who can't afford those things yet scratched up a donation for you anyway are really sick of seeing it.

Anyway...Back to the LTPT.

Today it's simple.

What's your favorite Christmas song?

This picture has nothing to do with the question. It just made me laugh.

I've already mentioned that mine is number 10 on my playlist over there --->.
My favorite more traditional song is "O Holy Night." I just love it.

So, what's yours?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thursday Morning Confessions

Happy Thursday, internets.

I thought of all kinds of confessions while I was sweating away at the Y this morning, but now I can't remember any. I need a little digital recorder to stick in my pocket, because it happens all the time. I think of a great story to tell you, and by the time I get home and have time to write, I've completely forgotten it.


1. I know this one will make people mad, but I don't care. I'm just going to say it. NieNie annoys me. I can't even read her blog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I think she's inspiring. I think she's handled this major trial in her life with extraordinary faith, strength and grace. I think she's a great role model in the mothering department. But at some point the fact that you barely survived a horrific plane crash stops masking the fact that you're annoying. For example, her blog yesterday was complaining that she was watching a National Geographic special about beautiful places on Earth and they didn't mention God. Umm, it was a National Geographic special. If it was a BYU TV special and they failed to mention God's hand in the beauty of the Earth, then I could see getting your panties in a wad over it. But a secular, science based show? Get over it.

2. Even more annoying than NieNie is her sister CJane. I started reading her when she was writing about NieNie after the plane crash. Back then her posts were charged with raw emotion. It felt like she was writing from her soul. Now? Annoying. So, so annoying. Spork to the eyeball annoying. And I can't even put my finger on why she annoys me. I'm sure both she and NieNie are lovely people in real life, but in blog-land? A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. I know, I know. There are a whole lot of people who feel the same about me.

3. I occasionally wet the bed well into my teen years.

4. I can't watch Real Estate Intervention on HGTV because Mike Aubrey's Hitler mustache is just barely off center and it's so distracting I can't enjoy the crazy people who want to sell their dumps for a million dollars.

See? The right side (your right, not his) starts way closer to the center of his face than the left side.
Who still wears Hitler mustaches, anyway?

5. That stupid "Christmas Shoes" song makes me cry every single time I hear it. Every. Time. Even when I hear it ten times in one day.

6. Will did a Family Home Evening lesson on being kind to our family and not yelling. He read this story from The Friend (a Mormon magazine for the 10 and under set). Go read it, it'll only take you a minute.


O.K., the whole time he was reading it all I could think about was how if Alan was my kid I'd friggin' kill him. Apparently I missed the point of the story.

7. In the song "Do They Know it's Christmas Time at All?," when Bono sings the line, "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you" I can't help but think, "Damn straight I'm glad it's them and not me." I know. I'm going to hell.

8. It's about 90% definite that we're moving to Fort Drum (located waaaay in upstate New York on Lake Ontario near the Canadian border) in July. I'm going to be cold for four years.

Purty, isn't it? It reminds me of Europe.

9. I'm pretty sure my Saudi neighbor is a polygamist. More on that in another post.

10. I know that Will has some York Peppermint Patties somewhere in our room and I'm obsessing over them. If I knew where they were I'd eat one.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

It's good to be frumpy...

...because the hot girls aren't fairing so well.

Elin Nordegren.
Married to Tiger Woods, who (allegedly, though his statement today is practically an admission) cheated on her with a cocktail waitress.

Elizabeth Hurley.
Model and actress.
Ex-boyfriend, Hugh Grant, admittedly cheated on her with a prostitute (who, by the way, looked like she'd been severely beaten with the Ugly Stick).

Singer. Actress. Fergalicious in every way.
Husband of less than a year, Josh Duhamel, (allegedly) cheated on her with a stripper.

Jennifer Aniston.
Actress. Hollywood's sweetheart.
Her ex-husband, Brad Pitt, cheated on her with Angelina Jolie.

O.K., never mind. I'd probably cheat with Angelina Jolie, too.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Christmas Public Service Announcement

FYI: Multi-colored Chirstmas lights are tacky. They're tacky enough outside on your house, but for the love of all that's holy please don't put them on your tree.

White lights are classy. Trust me. I'm a professional. (No really, I am. I even have a certificate).

And don't even get me started on garland, tinsel, blinking lights and colored trees...

*If you use multi-colored lights and are offended-- tough. I'm offended by your light choice, so I guess we're even.