Sunday, February 27, 2011

Phoning it in.

So, this is my first attempt at phone-blogging. And the reason why? I have the plague. I'm pretty sure I might die.

I can't even think about the effort it might take to crawl up the stairs where my laptop is.

I felt fine this morning. I showered, got dressed, all that. And as I was feeding the kids Amelia puked all over the kitchen. Later, she was desperately trying not to throw up, and her efforts caused her to instead projectile vomit out her nose.

And now I have it. This has been my view for most of the day.

If I die, I fully expect you all to make sure my funeral wishes are carried out to my specifications.

Oh terrific. The tornado siren just went off, which is weird considering there's no wind or anything. So now I get to be on my deathbed while crammed in a half bath with all 3 kids.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Goodwill Hunting

So, last week I was in Goodwill looking for some jeans. These 18 pounds don't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon, and I couldn't live with the muffin top any longer. It was time for bigger pants. But, I don't want to pay full price for pants that hopefully I will only wear temporarily. So, off to Goodwill I went.

While there I noticed an entire section of underwear. Used underwear. Who the hell buys used underwear?

I understand that times are hard. I understand that I am lucky beyond measure because I have the means to go buy new, unused underwear whenever I want.

But you know what?


They are a luxury. Or as some of my commando-going friends might argue, an unnecessary tradition.

I would never judge someone for eating out of a garbage can or living in a cardboard box. Food and shelter are necessities of life, and you do what you have to do.

But you can live without underwear. There is no reason on Earth for anyone to be putting on someone else's used skivvies. It's just wrong. Are we all clear on this? Don't wear used underwear.

And then, of course, this set my mind to wandering.

What if the previous owner of the jeans I purchased was someone who eschewed undergarments? Wouldn't that then be like I was wearing their used underwear in some twisted sort of way?

And what about new clothes? I mean, they always have that sign saying to leave your undergarments on when trying stuff on, but what about people who don't wear undergarments? Could clothing that I've bought new have previously come in contact with someone else's lady bits? Possibly multiple people's lady bits?

I mean, someone could have bought it, taken it home, worn it around sans panties for a day, and then returned it. And then I unwittingly buy them and get their twidget cooties.

This line of thinking is also why I will never ever buy used dishes. The places my mind goes to when looking at a used bowl or pot or spoon would frighten you.

Really, it's a wonder I'm even able to leave the house and interact with people at all.

Monday, February 21, 2011

WTF, Girl Scouts?

So, tonight Ben used some of his allowance to buy some Girl Scout cookies. Samoas, to be exact.

I was totally stealing some looking at the box, and the picture kind of disturbed me.

Does this remind you of anything?

Like, saaaaaay...this:

Birmingham, AL Fire Department hosing civil rights activists

WTF, Girl Scouts? I know you originated in the deep South and all, but really? You thought the best picture for your box would be a white lady terrorizing little black kids with a fire hose?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I love you guys. For realsies.

So, I want to thank all of you who donated to Liam and Amelia's Jump Rope for Heart fundraiser. Other than myself and the grandparents, every single donation came from YOU. Most of the donations came from names I didn't even recognize. You were all beyond generous. I was completely amazed as the donations came in. And then I started wondering if I made up a charity if you'd be equally as generous. Because I'd kind of like to go a on a cruise.

Between the two of them, $365 was raised, which accounted for just under half of what the entire school raised. So, that's kind of a big deal, and it was all due to you.

Also due to you will be my complete and total mental breakdown after dealing with a five year old AND a six year old with dart guns. You guys just had to keep being generous, didn't you?

Thanks to you, they each earned a set of these. The product description makes me want to cry.
"Launch the 6.5 inch foam missiles and hear them whistle as they fly. The 14 inch launcher extends to 23 inches for maximum pumping action. Each set includes three missiles."
Umm, also? A toy store called InAndOut toys should probably not include descriptions like "extends to 23 inches for maximum pumping action." Because I'm guessing they get a lot of hits from people not looking for dart guns. Just saying.

In other good news, if you look at your address bar, you'll see that you were redirected to my NEW address. Turns out the guy I talked to at Google was an idiot. The whole DNS thing is for people who have non-Blogger blogs. So, there it is. I'm officially a dot com.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Nerd Love Letters

O.K., so first of all, forget everything I wrote about switching to a dot com address. I am not technologically literate enough to do it right now. I thought it was as simple as buying the domain name and letting Blogger make the transfer. Turns out I have to also get separate DNS hosting. I don't even know what that is! And when I tried to set up a DNS hosting account, it was like reading another language. And I freaking minored in Latin. I'm good with other languages! If they're real languages. This was just gibberish. Besides entering my name, I had no idea what they even wanted from me, or what I was supposed to do with what they spit back at me. So, forget that. I'll stay right here on good ol' Blogspot, home of the technologically challenged mommy blogger. And if you get a "server too busy" message once in a while, I'm sorry. I'll send you some chocolate or something to make up for it .

ANYWAY. That wasn't the point of this post.

I wanted to share with you an actual, word for word e-mail exchange between myself and Will.
It probably tells you more about both of us than anything else ever could.

(Galactic Douchebag)

From: Me
To: Will
Subject: Halp!

My SD card says it's locked. I can look at pictures that are on it, but I can't delete them, edit them or upload them. I also can't take any more pictures with it.
I didn't lock it (I don't even know how!), and it was working just fine yesterday afternoon when I used it. Any idea how to fix it?

I went to properties for the card, but didn't see anything that suggested locking or unlocking.

Help me Obi-Will Kenobi. You're my only hope.

I love you!!
Love, me

From: Will
To: Me
Subject: Re: Halp!

Silly girl. Some USB drives and SD cards have a PHYSICAL switch on them. Slide it the other way.

(And I'm Han. Obi-wan can't get married cuz he's a jedi.)

Love you!

To: Will
From: Me
Subject: Re: Halp!

You're a freakin' GENIUS! It's fixed now.
And Han is kind of a douche. Young Obi-wan was hot.

I love you!
Love, me

From: Will
To: Me
Subject: Re: Halp!

OK but Han comes around and isn't such a douche later on. I thought girls like jerks?!
Love you!

From: Me
To: Will
Subject: Re: Halp!

Not smart girls with self esteem. Obviously Padme had issues or she wouldn't have stayed with Annakin (even douchier than Han, even before he turned into Darth Vader). And Leia must have inherited the stupidity, because I would have let Han rot in carbonite after his "I know" comment.

Smart, well adjusted girls would go for (young) Obi-wan every time.

Love you!
From: Will
To: Me
Subject: Re: Halp!

Even though Han is hotter?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Two things.

1. I'm switching over to a dot com. That's right, internets. Blogger told me I was clogging their internet toobz, so I have to get my very own domain. Whatever link you have right now will continue to work. However, if you want to update your links, the new one is

It'll be a few days before that works. It's not even working for me right now. So maybe hold off on updating those links for a bit.

Also, how annoying is it that I had to add "The" to it? Someone registered plain old, and I can't even look at it to see if it's as lame as I bet it is because my malware protection blocks it. So, not only did they steal my domain, but they're using it for evil. Loser.

Anyway, you may experience a few technical difficulties here over the next few days.

2. I will apparently be attending Gay Spring Break in Las Vegas on March 20th. I'm guessing that's a million times more fun (and fabulous!) than regular spring break. I even have a chick with a Bieber haircut to go with me. I'm pretty sure The Weekend of Awesome just got a lot more awesomererer.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The universal reaction.

(I didn't take this. I stole it from some guy in Hoboken, NJ who apparently doesn't know how to write a's.)

So, yesterday afternoon I was standing in line at Wal-Mart. I should probably mention that yesterday was the fourth straight snow day in our county, so I was there with my kids who were being obnoxious. And everyone else was also there with kids who would normally be at school, and they didn't seem to be any happier about it than I was. So, anyway, I was standing there and my phone rang. It was the school district calling to alert me that school would be canceled again today--day five of snow days.

I let out an audible groan and said something along the lines of, "You've got to be frigging kidding me."

A few seconds later I heard another phone ring. And then I heard the person say, "This is f!@#ing ridiculous!"

I couldn't be sure, but I suspected they had just received the same call I had.

And then another phone rang. And this time I heard, "Dammit. We're moving to Florida. I can't take this anymore."

Again, I can't be certain, but if I were a betting woman, I'd bet that was the school district calling.

And yet another phone rang, which was followed by, "F!@# you, Montgomery County."

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thursday Morning Confessions

I took this 5 minutes ago.

1. I haven't changed my calendar since November.

2. I feel guilty when I make a Middle Eastern dish and serve it with pork.

3. I have a Facebook "friend" that I despise. I keep this person as a "friend" because we have numerous "friends" in common, and even though this person likely has me hidden, every time a mutual "friend" comments on my status or I comment on theirs, the "friend" I despise is forced to see it. And I know it annoys them. And that makes me happy.

4. We're on day four of snow days this week. I made my kids clean and organize their closets after breakfast. Now they're all doing homework that I made up for them. After that, they're washing mop boards in every room.

5. I haven't cooked potatoes or red meat since Will left more than three weeks ago.

6. There's nothing wrong with cereal for dinner once a week, right?

7. I'm teaching a group exercise class twice a week. It's giving me a complex because I'm pretty much the fattest person there.

8. I might have gone into Will's closet and sniffed his clothes when I missed him last week.

9. I broke the car wash near me last week because I can't drive in a straight line.

10. I painted my dining set black and replaced the chairs. I love it. You can see the before and afters HERE (scroll down to the end of the post).

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

At least it wasn't Bob Saget.

There's a quote in the movie Inception that says, "Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange."

Yeah, I'll totally second that.

I had a very pleasant dream last night. I was in luuuurve with a very nice man. I think in the dream we were vacationing around Italy. He was sweet and kind, and doted on me. There was a lot of hand holding and nuzzling.

I woke up from the dream with lingering warm fuzzies.

And then with a sick sort of shock I realized that the man of my dreams was Dave Coulier.

You know, Joey Gladstone.

I don't...I can't...I just...WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I haven't seen Full House in years.

Apparently my subconscious has been harboring a deep, secret love for Dave Coulier.

Of all the late eighties/early nineties TV stars, why Uncle Joey? Kirk Cameron, I'd understand. I thought dirty thoughts about him all through middle school. Wil Wheaton? That would make sense, too. I think dirty thoughts about him even now. But Dave Coulier? That just disturbs me.

I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. Who knows who else is hiding in there?

Subconscious, if you're listening, could you please make me dream about Johnny Depp tonight? Thanks.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

So, I don't know if it's because she's in the new Pink video or what, but in the past two weeks I've gotten five e-mails from people telling me I look like Tina Majorino.

Tina Majorino.

Not Tina Majorino.
Maybe a distant cousin or something.

What I find kind of funny about the comparison is that one of her best known roles was Deb in Napoleon Dynamite. And as I've pointed out before...

Teen-aged Will looked an awful lot like...

Napoleon Dynamite.

(Will danced exactly like this at every high school dance.)

Maybe it was destiny.

Except I'm pretty sure that if Will ever asked me to play tether ball I'd assume it was a euphemism for something dirty.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Putting mysef in the corner.

Sorry for neglecting you my dear internets. I got busy. I'll show you what I was doing later this week when it's done. I know, you're on the edges of your seats with anticipation.

Anyway, as punishment I will immediately put myself in the corner.

This corner.

This is a little nook in the corner of my bedroom. I love it. I lock my door and curl up here with a book (or my laptop) when I need to escape. It has saved my children's lives numerous times this week.

And speaking of saving children's lives, THANK YOU! I've been completely awed by your donations to the American Heart Association. Because of you, Liam and Amelia have raised over $200, which is more than one third of the total for the whole school. You guys rock.
You can still donate until February 17th. Click HERE to donate to Liam. Click HERE to donate to Amelia. And if you missed what this is all about, click HERE.

And if it's any added incentive for you, if Liam gets $5 more in donations, he'll earn a freakin' dart gun. Because that's what I need--a six year old with ADHD and a dart gun.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Give a little bit of your heart to me.

I'm hoping that if I butter you up with a gratuitous picture of Will nursing a kitten you'll give more.

So, I'm about to go all Annoying Mommy Blogger on you and use my blog for my kids' fundraiser.

I know.

Normally I don't participate in school fundraisers. I have three kids, which means I have to buy whatever they're hawking from all three. They can't go door to door because every single household in our neighborhood has kids selling the same crap. And most of our friends and family live far away. Or in the internets.

And even if none of those things were an issue, I still wouldn't participate because the stuff they sell is crap. And they pressure the kids into it by offering things like free ice cream and Silly Bandz, and if you're going to use tactics that make my kid cry over not earning Silly Bandz, you're not getting my business. They don't need new books anyway. Just scratch out the "48" on the number of states and write in 50. It's not that hard.

Anyway, this is different. They're not selling anything. They're going to jump rope. And it's not for the school. It's for The American Heart Association.

For those of you who may not know, Liam was born with multiple life threatening heart defects. He was possibly going to need a heart transplant. But, a surgeon in Philadelphia knew a procedure that might save him and prevent the need for a transplant. This procedure was developed by another heart surgeon who used research grants from The American Heart Association.

So, when they ask us to raise money, I do it.

And really, not donating is pretty much like killing cute little kids. Could you sleep at night knowing you killed a kid because you decided to buy Dr. Pepper and an Us Weekly instead of donating? I think not.

Liam and Amelia each have a donation page set up. Their classes are competing for the most donations. So, if you feel so inclined to donate, you can split the amount between the two or you can pick your favorite kid and set this up to be a real live battle to the death.

You can choose to donate anonymously, or you can list your name. Or you can even list a fake name like Captain Studly Pants. And you can donate ANY amount.

To donate to Liam's page, click HERE.
To donate to Amelia's page, click HERE.

Thanks, internets! You're Awesome. Unless you don't donate. Then you're a kid killer.