Saturday, February 28, 2009

Revenge is a dish best served cold. By a one armed retarded girl.

So Lawrence of Arabia was at the pool again this morning. He was in his lane, I was in mine three lanes away.

Also in the pool, in the lane next to Omar, was a mentally challenged girl who only has one arm. She's there every Saturday. She totally kicks my butt. She can swim three laps to my one. She's queen of the Special Olympics swim team. And did I mention she only has one arm? Anyway, she's prone to, umm... outbursts...while she swims. Big, huge, profanity laced outbursts.

So, Osama was swimming his laps, not causing any trouble, and all of a sudden I hear the girl start yelling, "Hey fatty! Swim faster!" I look up because I just assume she's talking to me.

She wasn't. She was totally yelling at Saddam. For 20 minutes this went on. "Hey tub o lard, why's your back so hairy?" "Did you eat my arm for breakfast?" "Fatty boombalatty, faaaaaaatty boombalatty!" "You need a bra, you have big knockers like my mom." "Did you lose your d**k in an accident, or is it just really small?"

On and on.

He finally got out, yelling what were probably profanities in his native tongue, and left.

I LOVE that one armed girl.

(The TV review will be later tonight. And I'm having a skinny day--43 pounds lost--so here's a picture.)

Friday, February 27, 2009

It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow!

50 points to whoever can name that movie.

I've been waiting all week to use that title, by the way.

So, today I had a Rainbow Vacuum demonstration at my house. Have you heard of these? They're wildly expensive floor/air cleaning systems that use water filtration rather than bags or cups.

Don't worry, I won't bore you with a play by play of the demo. I'll just say that they're pretty fabulous. But not $2000 fabulous.

In fact, the only reason I'm even writing about it is because of the price tag and the debate it sparked among my friends. Two of my friends are learning to be Rainbow sales people in order to earn theirs for free. I told them up front I wouldn't buy one, but I'd be happy to have the demo to help them earn theirs. Another of my friends is more like me--of the mindset that $2000 is a ludicrous amount to pay for a floor cleaner, but also agreed to the demo in her home to help them out.

E-mails were exchanged among the four of us, and a heated debate erupted about fiscal responsibility, priorities, and free agency. Honestly, the debate took me by surprise. After all, these are just vacuums we're talking about! The debate was almost as heated as the one we engaged in two weeks ago over homosexuality. A vacuum!

So, I want to open up the discussion to rest of my friendternets (Sorry, Harmony. I'm stealing your word). Would you pay $2000 for a really fabulous cleaning product (because, really, it was fabulous and did every single thing it claims to do)? Or are you more of the opinion that $2000 should be used for things of more importance or benefit to your family? $2000 could buy us 5 plane tickets to Europe or a week at Disney. I'm guessing that 20 years from now, my kids would have more fond memories of a great family trip than of our spectacular vacuum.
Also, would you be willing to refer 20 of your friends and spend upwards of 40 hours going along to the demos in their home to earn one? Would you buy one on credit?

There's no right or wrong. I'm just really interested to read what you have to say. I never imagined the dialogue that could come from a vacuum sales pitch. Who knew?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain?

Trivia #1: The actual title of that song is "Escape," not "The Pina Colada Song."

Trivia #2: That is what I want to do today.

For real. I just want to pack my bags, leave a note and catch the first plane to somewhere that's not here.

I don't really have a good reason. The kids were fairly normal today. Will hasn't made me want to gouge his eyes out lately. I just woke up sick of everyone and everything. I could easily see myself living totally alone in a secluded beach cottage, never speaking another word to anyone (blogging, maybe, but not speaking) and being totally O.K. with that. Tomorrow may be a different story, but as of today, I want to escape.

In other news, this post was supposed to be a recipe. I made chicken in mushroom and wine sauce last night. I took pictures of the process. I even put my ingredients in cute little dishes. But, alas, I'm no Annie Liebovitz. The pictures are kinda crappy, and after all that preparation the dish basically ended up tasting just like Ikea's $3.99 Chicken Marsala.

The final product

And I have to wonder if the alcohol didn't cook out quite as much as I thought it did. It's the only explanation I have as to why I thought it would be a good idea to post a rather large picture of my rather large (And flat. And square.) butt last night.

So, anyway, if you don't hear from me for awhile you'll know that I took the leftover cooking wine and hopped a plane to an undisclosed location.

~Sponge Brandi Square Butt

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Haven't you guys ever heard the saying,
"Be careful what you wish for?"

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Things I have learned...

So, this blogging thing isn't all just narcissistic ramblings and implant fundraisers. I have actually learned a thing or two over the past six-ish months. Here are a few, in no particular order:

1. I am apparently far more likable/memorable/charismatic here than in real life. For example, Blog life: I get recognized by a total stranger who is a fan. (Yes, I'm still giddy over that). Real life: A bunch of women at church still think my name is Brenda.

2. I have the power to sway opinions. I know personally that several people have bought certain products, read certain blogs and voted No on Prop 8 due in part to my influence.

3. The above scares the bejeebers out of me. I don't want that kind of power! I'm not Oprah, people! Yet.

4. African American is a term whiteys like me made up to be politically correct. Blacks prefer to be called black. I prefer to be called Cracker.

5. Because of comments like #4, there are probably a lot people out there who think I'm a big, fat bigot. They would only be two thirds correct.

6. People will go to great lengths for you if they think they're helping you along the road to a boob job.

7. Based on comments, Crystal and I are apparently the only nerds who watch Battlestar Galactica.

8. I cannot blog about anything I want. There have been some very juicy topics that I have reluctantly not written about because I'm not sure who does and does not read this. Or because I'm positive someone does read it.

9. Will is not cut out for Blogging.

10. There are some twisted people out there doing Google searches. One that led someone here today? "fat cylon sex." I know I have not talked about that. At least not all in the same post.

11. There is awesomeness all over the internets.

12. I can now (thanks to the ever growing ad revenue) list "Blogger" as my profession, rather than homemaker.

Oh, and here's that After picture I promised.

1/14/09 --- 2/24/09 (lost 40 lbs)

I'm not loving my after pictures anymore. I feel like I'm getter bigger since week three. Bah.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Say my name (Now with more pictures!)

So, I got a Facebook Tag from Ariella. As most of you have probably figured out, I'm just not a Facebook kind of person. I only have an account so I can stalk you and see all your pictures. If you've left me messages, I probably haven't seen them. Same goes for Myspace.

Anyway, this one made me giggle, so here it is. Ariella's was funnier.

1. Your Real Name
Brandi Lee Douglass

2. Witness Protection Name (mother and father's middle names)
Marie Elliott

Marie Elliott

3. Nascar Name (Mother's father's name, Father's father's name)
Skeet William

Skeet William

4. Star Wars Name (1st three letters of last name, 1st 2 letters of first name)


5. Detective Name (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Cat

Green Cat

6. Soap Opera Name (middle name, town you were born)
Lee Brunswick

Lee Brunswick

7. Superhero Name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink, add "The" to the beginning)
The Pink Mountain Dew

The Pink Mountain Dew

8. Fly Name (1st two letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of last name)
Brss (I'm old--can someone tell me what a Fly name is?)


9. Street Name (favorite ice cream, favorite cookie)
Oatmeal Cookie Oatmeal

Oatmeal Cookie Oatmeal

10. Rock Star Name (current pet's name, current street)
Starbuck Hollingsworth (I don't have a pet, but I really want a cat and I'd name it Starbuck).

Starbuck Hollingsworth

11. Porn name (name of 1st pet, street you grew up on)
Spike Main

Spike Main

12. Gangsta Name (1st three letters of name + izzle)


13. Goth Name (black and the name of 1 of your pets)
Black Washington (Ben's fish is named Washington)

Black Washington

14. Stripper Name (favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy)
Sunflowers Watchamacalit

Sunflowers Watchamacalit

Now, I tag ALL of you!

Sunday, February 22, 2009


There's not going to be an update picture, or really even an update today. We all have the plague again.

It's Noon, and I've been awake for less than an hour. I likely won't shower today, which is why there will be no picture. I'll try to take one tomorrow afternoon.

But, for those of you who are interested, as of this morning I have lost 40 lbs since my surgery on January 14th. That's 40 lbs in 39 days! So, that's a grand total of 70 lbs lost since September 9th. I am officially no longer morbidly obese--still obese, though. I have 65 lbs to go to be out of the obese category, and 90 lbs to be out of the overweight category. It's possible, although very, very unlikely, that I can maintain this rate of weight loss for 3 more months (how cool would that be to meet my goal in 4 months?). More realistically, it'll slow way down--maybe a pound a week--in the next month or so. So that sucks.

You know what else sucks? I won a body fat scale in a raffle at the Y. I was pretty excited because I know I'm gaining muscle (I now have bigger biceps than Will and my forearms will soon rival Popeye's. And I can press 200 lbs with my inner thighs for 100 reps without breaking a sweat. That last one sounds a little dirty, doesn't it?) Anyway, I try it out and it tells me my body fat percentage is too high for the scale to calculate. Nice.

The Nyquil hasn't kicked in yet, so I may as well give a brief family update for those of you who are only here for that.

Ben: Bragging alert!!! I had a conference with his teacher this week. I was afraid it was going to be all bad news because his grades so far this quarter suck. As in, failing. But, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he has been bringing them up significantly since he was told that he would be kicked out of the gifted program if he didn't. His teacher said he's definitely bored out of his mind during class (which is causing the bad grades), so she's trying to find ways to engage him more, and allowing him to work ahead of the class. And the best part of all? (The major bragging part, for those of you who can't stomach such things) She said that in her 15 years of teaching, Ben is the first student she has had that she feels is truly gifted. She said there are lots of very smart kids out there in gifted programs, but that Ben thinks in a completely different way than the average smart kid. She said he is the first student in 15 years that has challenged her (in a good way) as a teacher.

Amelia: It took 10 days, but she finally caved and cleaned her room and earned all her toys back. Her latest thing is to tell people that she's going to have a big tummy like mom when she grows up. Terrific.

Liam: Got kicked out of pre-K on Friday. He can go back on Monday, but at 11 am on Friday they called me and said he had to leave--they couldn't handle him anymore. He got violently ill that night, so I'm hoping that was the major cause of his acting out. We'll see. Even Ben never got kicked out of preschool!

Will: Someday I'll see him again. Between work and school there isn't much time left over for anything else. Just one more class and he'll finally be done!!

O.K. That's all, folks. There will be a picture tomorrow, I promise. Maybe. I'm pretty bloated.

P.S. Thanks for clicking on the you know whats. I'll be able to afford the C cups in no time.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Brandi's Week In TV Review Vol. 4 (Updated)

It was a so-so week in TV land.

Lost: Still getting better week by week, although I feel like the writers are spending so much time on the action and trying to get all the questions answered that they're ignoring the dialogue between characters. Ben used to have the best lines and monologues. Now? They've reduced him to saying pithy little cliches. Although I did see a glimpse of the Ben I love this week--Jack: "What's going to happen to all these other people?" (referring to the fact that the plane will crash). Ben: "Who cares?"
So, here are the questions/theories I'm left with this week.
1. Where is Aaron? I think Kate is being typical Kate. I think she wants a life with Sawyer. I think she gave Aaron to Claire's mom (how convenient she was in town), and has decided to go back for Sawyer (breaking Jack's heart, once again, along the way).
2. How did Hurley know to be there? I say Charlie came and told him. And I think the guitar was the sub for Charlie, since things had to be as close to the first crash as possible.
3. Sayid. Why was he there? Why Guam? I have no theories, but it was as though he and Kate had switched situations. On the first flight, Kate was the fugitive with the marshal and Sayid was the one going to find his true love. Now, Sayid is the fugitive with the marshal and Kate is the one going to find her true love.
4. Dharma Jin!! So, all I can think is that the island finally stopped skipping at a point in the past (60's, maybe 70's), and Jin joined the DI (probably for survival).
5. Sun left her daughter behind! No theory there, just surprised.
**6. How could I have forgotten to talk about the Narnia reference? The Lamp Post. The way to find yourself in another place and time.

Top Chef: New York:
Totally and completely unfair. Shame on you, producers! The top 4 earned their places in the finals and it's not fair to throw in a 5th finalist to compete against. I was pretty upset at that twist. This isn't Survivor. These are people with careers--people for whom a win will change their career forever.

Battlestar Galactica:
Eh. Not so great this week. Ellen was back to her old ways, which is why I disliked her in the first place and was angry that she was the 5th. I felt bad for Caprica 6.
I was kind of excited that they were going to name the pop-tart Liam, though.
I wish they'd just let the Baltar storyline peter out. I like his character a lot, but the whole cult storyline isn't going anywhere. Unless, of course, he's Daniel 7. I was completely shocked that Tirol wanted to leave the fleet. I really thought he would want to stay. His decision makes little sense to me. In general: No cliff hanger, not enough Starbuck and Lee, nothing really answered.

By the way, if you really love me you'll buy me this. (ordering info found HERE.)

Cylon Toaster

Makes toast like this. Hello! Frak Off toast!!!!

(Sorry about the italics for this part. Blogger hates me and I can't turn them off.)

Celebrity Rehab: Sobriety House: I'm officially in love with Rodney King. Not in a romantic way, but just as a fellow human being. I don't know, there's just something about watching someone truly work at being a better person and seeing them succeed with flying colors that makes me happy. And I think Andy Dick is following in his footsteps. To see him realize that what Seth was doing to the group was what he had done to people in the past was pretty great. Speaking of Seth, I was so sick of his whole "catch me if you can" attention getting game. I think Steven Adler summed it up best when they were in group. The conversation was all about Seth (who wasn't even there) and Steven finally said what I was thinking: "F*** Seth." Amen to that. And as a side note, I have Crazy Town's "Butterfly" on my MP3 player for working out. Whenever it comes on now, I feel guilty. Like I'm somehow supporting his crack habit or something.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Mail Call

Dear Idiot in the Jeep with the Broken Door,

If you cannot go faster than 35 MPH on I-20, and no one is able to pass you because YOUR DRIVER'S SIDE DOOR KEEPS FLYING OPEN (!!), you need to find an alternate route.

~Brandi, who took 45 minutes to make a 20 minute drive because of you.


Dear Demons who are Possessing Liam and Amelia,

Please find some other children to inhabit. I can't afford an exorcist, and I'm starting to sympathize with those parents who are in prison for chaining their kids in a closet for 10 years.

~Brandi, who has a migraine.


Dear Eve,

Thanks for the menstrual cramps. Way to go. I hope that fruit was at least dipped in caramel and chocolate and rolled in nuts.

~Brandi, who is bloated.


Dear Georgia Drivers,

Unless you are turning left on a green arrow, the person turning right has the right of way. Also, that little lever on the left of the steering wheel? That's a blinker. Say it with me: biiiiiiink-errrrr.

~Brandi, who doesn't want to die.


Dear Kroger Lady,

While I appreciate your kindness, please stop giving Amelia big, shiny, helium balloons. And especially don't contradict me in front of my daughter when I say "no thank you" when they are offered. Unless, of course, you plan to start giving me three free balloons so as to avoid a sibling brawl at home.

~Brandi, who could not see out the rear window driving home because a helium filled Tweety Bird was blocking the view.


Dear Augusta Dodge,

If you do not fix our brakes correctly and with working parts this time, I may lawyer up. Three tries to get it right since Thanksgiving is ridiculous. Also, these are BRAKES! Broken ones suck.

~Brandi, who likes to be able to stop.

P.S. Gerald Jones Subaru, you're next. 6 days to fix the A/C because you keep ordering the wrong part? Do not count on repeat business from us.


Dear Blog Friends,

You see my Ad Revenue Boobie Fund Counter up there to the right? Have you noticed it hasn't gone up in three days? I can't legally tell you how to change that, but you're all smart people. You can figure it out. Clickety click click.

~Brandi, who is now an A cup and shrinking by the minute.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


So, you know those 6 loads of laundry I left unfolded so that I could attend to an emergency on Monday? Yeah, still not folded. Which means Liam was out of clean Lightning McQueen underpants in his drawer this morning.

He came strolling nonchalantly into the living room wearing a shirt and socks and nothing else to inform me of his underpantsless situation.

And as I'm digging through the mountain of still unfolded laundry, I look over and he's amusing himself by swiveling his hips (a la Elvis), making his penis flail around wildly.

There is a reason I wanted only girls.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Ben has to write a report about a famous African American.

I'm trying to convince him to do it on Charlize Theron.

I know his teacher would laugh, but the principal might get pretty upset.

Charlize Theron. Born in South Africa, 1975. Became a U.S. Citizen, 2007

I'm trying to restrain a rant on my dislike of the term African American unless you are a first or second generation African.

Maybe I should start insisting that I be called a Canadian/Scottish American, and that it's offensive to me to be called otherwise.

My favorite was when we lived in Germany and other Americans there would refer to black Germans as African Americans.

O.K. Let the "You're a racist/bigot/ignorant biotch" comments commence.

P.S. Don't even get me started on the term Caucasian. You know who are really Caucasian? Iranians. Armenians. Turks. Those are the people who live in the Caucus Mountain region. Not whiteys from Maine.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Emergency

So, about 10 minutes after I posted that last rant about my kids having the audacity to have 4 consecutive days off of school, my friend Sylwia called me.

The conversation went something like this:

S: Are you busy today?
Me: Well, I'm doing house work and babysitting for S.P.
S: For how long? This is an emergency.

(Now, please note that Sylwia is pregnant and also has 4 kids who are prone to stabbing one another, burning themselves... that sort of thing. The family motto seems to be, "If you maim yourself, Dad (who is a doctor) can just fix it." So, they live on the edge. Anyway, armed with this knowledge, I was thinking premature labor or pre-schoolers missing limbs.)

Me: What's wrong?
S: A, T and I are going to Atlanta to Ikea. You need to come. It's an emergency.
Me: Hold on.

(So I go to make sure Will was O.K. with me leaving him with our for the rest of the day. He had just finished cleaning poop off Liam, who was so busy playing outside he failed to come in and use the bathroom. And as I was talking to him, Amelia came in, naked, and informed us she had just left a steaming pile on her bedroom floor. So, at this point it wasn't so much asking if he cared as it was just letting him know I was running away from the house of feces. I was unshowered, there were 6 loads of laundry to be folded, and I hadn't gone grocery shopping in a week. But it was an emergency! How could I say no?)

Me: I still need to shower. Can I have an hour?
S: Sure, we'll pick you up on the way.

And then I spent the next 8 hours talking about dirty, dirty sex and homophobia with a minivan full of Mormon Ladies.

It was the best emergency EVER.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Who decided it was a good idea to let kids stay home from school just because Abraham Lincoln and George Washington happened to be born this month?

How about we let Abraham Lincoln and George Washington stay home with them all day? You know, instead of me.

Will is home, but apparently he's having an episode and is hiding in the bedroom.

And the geniuses on the Columbia County school board gave them TOMORROW off too!

I quit.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I just know I'll regret this later.

So, Will had this idea that he should write a blog about my blog. And I reluctantly gave him the go ahead. Because, you know, it might be interesting to get his take on things and because it's more about me me me!

This may end up being the biggest mistake of my life.

Click here for the insanity.

(It'll be on my blog list in the future, assuming it doesn't embarrass me too much)

Valentine's Day, Vomiting and Vengeance

First, let's just get the picture out of the way. I'm not one bit happy about it. I look FATTER than I did last week, even though I'm 7 pounds lighter. Proof that clothes can make or break you. Everything I'm wearing is about 3 sizes too big. I have 7 safety pins strategically placed to keep my clothes from falling off all together. I really, really want to just go buy new clothes (I did buy a new pair of jeans, 4 whole sizes smaller than the pair I was wearing the day of surgery), but I'll (hopefully) just shrink out of the new clothes, too. So, it would be a waste of money. There's a weight loss surgery clothing exchange at the hospital, but all they have are clothes that are too big for me now. And I've yet to find a decent thrift shop.

Anyway, here's my frumpy 1 month post surgery picture.

Day of surgery--11 days post op (-20 lbs)--18 days post op (-29 lbs)--25 days post op (-24 lbs)

Day of surgery--32 days post op (-31 lbs)

So, onto Valentine's Day.

We double dated with our friends, the Bastians. Tina planned everything, which was great. I just relaxed and waited for her e-mails. She'd ask my opinion, and I would answer, "I'm fine with whatever you guys want!" And I meant it.

First, we went to dinner at a little Italian place. This brings me to the vomiting part. The food was wonderful, although they didn't have anything particularly gastric bypass friendly. I made do with a lemon chicken breast and pasta with marinara sauce. Pasta is one of the things to avoid because it's just empty carbs and calories. But, I hadn't had pasta in a very long time. And I'd swum (swam?) 2 miles that morning. And my blood sugar has been excellent. And it was Valentine's day. So, I ate a couple of bites of pasta. That was a very bad idea. It wouldn't go down. It just sat at the base of my esophagus causing me pain until I finally had to go throw up.
Romantic, no?

Us at the restaurant. Totally stolen from Tina's blog.
No, my head is not 3 times bigger than Will's. I was leaning forward, he was leaning back.
Perspective, people.

Then, after a brief detour to the mall, we went to see Taken (that's the vengeance part). It's a good movie, although Maggie Grace is a terrible actress. If you like 24, you'll like Taken.

As for a family update, here are a few tidbits:

Amelia still has not cleaned her room. Will took all her toys away.
Liam got kicked out of primary today.
We made Ben surrender 1/2 of his Legos because they were out of control.

I'm waiting for our Parents of the Year award to show up any minute now.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Brandi's Week In TV Review Vol. 3

I've got too much to do and not enough hours to do it in today, so let's get right to it.

Lost: It's getting better every week. So, my talking backwards theory was shot down. I realized that Jin would have been speaking backwards to Danielle and crew if my theory was correct. I think my favorite moment of the show was Ben's don't-make-me-pull-this-carpet-cleaning-van-over moment when Jack and Sun were bickering. I'm torn about Ben lately. He was always so smarmy and evil and that's why I loved him. I'm having a hard time with this new tell the truth Ben. Or maybe it's the ultimate lie and I just think he's telling the truth. I thought Desmond showing up just as Ben & company did was a little cheesy. And I knew that it would be that woman, and I knew that she was Daniel's mother (I'm not referring to her by name because I'm drawing a blank. Didn't she used to be called Julia or something?)
I think the very best part is that the time skipping should be done now that Locke fixed the donkey wheel (Can you imagine what people who have never seen the show must be thinking after reading that last sentence?). Anyway, I had an epiphany about why I'm not loving this season: It's because they're giving us answers like crazy! I used to complain that they'd answer one small mystery and then create 20 new ones, but really, as frustrating as it was, it's what gave the show its intrigue. Now we've got Charlotte and Ben and presumably Daniel's mother (next week) just spilling answers left and right. I want the mystery back.

Top Chef New York: I liked the Last Supper challenge, and I'm glad that Carla and Fabio did so well. And I'm thrilled Lea went home. Not much else to say at this point.

Battlestar Gallactica: Anders, come back!! I need more info!!! Crazy. So, here's what I gleaned from this episode: The final 5 created the other 8 models (that's right--8, not 7!!). But I got a little twisted around as to who created the final 5. I think it was the humans on Earth? Right? And the final 5 were the 13th colony? And they came to protect the humans from the centurian cylons? But what's his face (John, according to Ellen) boxed the final 5 and plotted his revenge on humankind? Does this make any sense? (Crystal, help me out here. My brain is spinning). So anyway, the big question seems to be who was Daniel (#7)? Here's my theory. They didn't bring up that he was genetically mutated for nothing. I think Daniel is Starbuck. And, what do you think is going to happen with Tyrol's Cylon silly putty that he's going to use to fix the ship? I didn't catch this, but Will pointed out that in that last scene where Adama calls Tyrol, when Tyrol hangs up the phone you see a female arm in front of him. An arm that probably belongs to Six or Tory (I went back and looked. It's there). Dun dun duuuuuuun. I think our final 5 may not be as benevolent as we think.

Celebrity Rehab: Sobriety House: Oh the drama. What's with these people? Why do they think that going to clubs and Hollywood parties will help them stay sober? Mary Ellen needs to dump the boyfriend. And Seth? This whole drama he's created is annoying. You know what? Let him sit in his hideout and smoke crack until he dies. Don't follow his little scavenger hunt. To steal a line I read on another blog, "Don't engage in crazy." And Amber is kind of a whore. I bet she swims in public pools with men.

Friday, February 13, 2009

She get's it from Will's side.

Amelia is the most stubborn child I have ever encountered.

We're on day five of a room cleaning standoff. On Monday she took out all of her toys and then refused to pick them up. We took away her beloved blankies (which normally will make her crumble like a stale cracker). Not this time. She has had to have raisins for snacks instead of cookies like the boys. She has not been allowed to watch TV or play outside. She has been pretty much confined to her room all week with the promise that all her privileges and indulgences will be restored once she picks up the toys.

The mess, day five.

What she's doing right now instead of cleaning.

I even bought her a pack of rhinestone rings she'd been coveting for weeks. Nope. Not even the rings would make her budge.

Will, who is much more of a push over than I am, tried to bargain with her. He said that if she just picked up the Little People he would help her with the rest.

Not gonna do it.

So, here we are on day five. It's a battle of wills at this point. I'm oddly curious to see how long she can hold out.

And it's not just her room that we're battling. It's everything. Last night Will asked her to put her shoes away. They were about four feet from the basket where they belong. This resulted in a 45 minute tantrum of epic proportions, and ended with Liam putting the shoes away because even at four years old he knew that it was frakkin ridiculous.

Here's a sampling of the Epic Shoe Tantrum of 2009

Also? For some reason she now gets naked when she's mad. Hopefully she outgrows this--it could be a problem as an adult.

During the shoe tantrum

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My 15 minutes

So, I was going to wait and post this tomorrow, but I couldn't contain myself.

I got recognized today. Recognized!

I was leaving the Y and a woman passed me going in. Then she turned around and said, "Excuse me, are you Brandi? Brandi from the blog?"

Why yes, yes I am!!!

"I Love your blog! I wondered if this was the famous Y you go to."

(I stand there speechless, like the dork I really am).

"Is Lawrence of Arabia in the pool? I want to have a run in with him."

Ummm, I don't know. I was on the tread mill.

"Well, it's great meeting you. I'm a big fan. (She's a big fan!!!) I've been hoping to run into you somewhere, and now I have. Are you going to write about this? (Uh, is the Earth round?) If you write about this, give me a shout out. I'm Lauren."

So, hey Lauren!!!! You couldn't have made me feel any better if you'd asked for my autograph (which I totally would have given you). You made my whole week.

I'm still a little giddy, actually.

~Brandi from the blog


O.K. boys and girls, I hope you all did your reading assignment last night.

In case you forgot, you were supposed to go here and read this. That's the Christmas Card from TAMN (Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole) at Seriously, So Blessed! It's a spoof of all the Utah Mormon Mommy Blogs out there on the interwebs.

Now, I want you to read this. It's long--I'm sorry. I didn't write it. This is an actual Christmas Card posted by an actual Mormon Mommy Blogger. This one is for real--no spoof involved.

The similarities are uncanny. Let's compare, shall we?

Seriously So Blessed Card:

Hot and talented feti.
Baby weight? What Baby weight?
Daddy's in business school and doing awesome.
A kajillion awesome vacays!
Life is awesome and happy and did I mention awesome?

The Johnson's Card:

All of the above and then some.

And the "rilly" scary part? The internet is just crawling with these girls! Kinda makes me glad we got out of Utah when we did...I coulda been her.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Score one for the pork rinds!

I've lost 2 of the evil 5 pounds I gained last week. Apparently pork rinds are the answer.

Also, did you know pickles have no calories? None. And Kroger sells sugar free sweet pickles. All the yummy sweet and spiciness of a bread and butter pickle but with no calories. I think I'm in love.

Ooooh, and Lawrence of Arabia was at the pool again today. I was already swimming when he got there. He sat in the hot tub giving me the stink eye until I finished.

My post tomorrow is going to require you to do a reading assignment tonight. Go here and read this. You'll thank me tomorrow. For those of you who are not LDS, have never lived in Utah and have no idea what's going on in that post, just know that the whole blog is a spoof of a stereotypical "Mormon Mommy Blog."

Monday, February 9, 2009

Everytime the ladies pass, they be like, "Hi, Will."

1000 points if you can name the song that line comes from.

So, I've a had a few e-mails over the past few months asking me to tell you more about Will and the kids.

Don't hold your breath waiting for info on the kids. They're kids. I already share way too much about them here.

But Will...Will is fair game. Sort of. Here are ten things you may not know about him.

Our wedding day.

1. He is a root beer fanatic. One of his dreams is to someday have a house that includes a root beer cellar, well stocked with the classics and obscure finds. Mug is his all time favorite brand. On our first date he took me to A&W in Logan, Utah.

Will made this.

2. He once totaled a BMW that belonged to friends of ours in Germany. Ever had to call up one of your good friends and tell them you totaled their BMW?

3. He spent two years in Argentina as a missionary for our church when he was 19.

4. He is an avid mountain biker. If any of you reading this locally have biking husbands, call me. We can set them up on a play date.

5. He invented the hybrid engine concept when he was, like, 9. Unfortunately he was 9.

6. The movie Napoleon Dynamite is basically a documentary of Will's high school years. Which I guess makes me Deb.

7. He's a HUGE Rush fan.

8. He gave me a concussion, 3 stitches and a minor skull fracture when we were 17. We were jumping on a trampoline. In pitch darkness. With two additional people also on the trampoline. That's what you call a recipe for disaster. I bounced up as he was coming down. His chin + my forehead = pain and blood.

9. He has the hots for Drew Barrymore and Princess Leia.

10. He teaches the 12 year olds Sunday School and they think he's, like, totally OLD.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Family Update Volume VIII

I figured that since I haven't done an official Family Update in awhile, I'd better do one. (All the pictures were just taken 5 minutes ago. It's a little glimpse into our Sunday afternoons).

Ben is doing better grade-wise in school and is really loving the gifted program. Unfortunately, he's back to his old ways behavior-wise. I blame Christmas vacation. Who decided it was a good idea for kids to be home for 2 weeks anyway?

Liam is still loving Pre-K. He gives his teachers a hard time, but even they admit it's hard to stay mad when he flashes his grin. He's still in full on Jedi mode--so much so that the other kids in his class call him "Star Wars." Every day when we leave there's a chorus of "Bye, Star Wars!" that follows behind us.

Amelia now gets to go to "school" when I go to the Y every day. It's just an on-site daycare center that's part of our membership, but to her it's school. She brings her little snack in her little pink skull and crossbones backpack every day. She loves it. She's also recently mastered the eye roll. It's like living with a 14 year old.

Yes, that is the dead robo-kitty next to her.

Will finally lost the NCO of the quarter competition. He was so happy! Now he's going to be famous. The army is making videos of each type of training to put online, and Will is going to be the star of one of them. We should know next month if he was promoted to Sergeant First Class or not. We're hoping so--it's a nice pay raise. He's also getting things ready to apply to be a Warrant Officer this Spring. If he gets accepted it's a pretty significant increase in pay (especially long term), and it's a job he'll likely enjoy a lot more than what he's doing now. He's also back in school this semester. After this class, I think he only has 2 or 3 more classes to go until he'll have his bachelor's in history.

As for me, all that anxiety yesterday was for nothing. The calling was to be on the Enrichment committee. That's something I really, really enjoy, so I was happy to accept. Also, I've gained 5 pounds since last week. Actually, I gained a total of 7, but lost 2. I know some of it is monthly bloat--my fingers are all puffy--but not all of it. I called my surgeon because it truly seemed impossible that I was gaining weight. She said what's probably happening is that I'm eating too few calories and burning off too many. She said that would cause my metabolism come to a standstill. So, she wants me to increase my calorie intake this week and see what happens. She even prescribed pork rinds. For real! She said they're high in protein and low carb and the fat is minimal. So...pork rinds it is, I guess. The whole thing just seems off to me. I mean, anorexics don't gain weight. Survivor contestants don't gain weight. Just watch, this week I'll end up gaining back everything I've lost. Thanks, pork rinds.

I've really debated posting the after picture this week because you can really see that I'm bigger this week than last (who knew 5 lbs would show so much!). But I'm relenting. I'll post it. Just don't look at it, O.K.?