Friday, June 29, 2012

He said he loved me but he lied.

This e-mail was caught in my spam filter today.  Normally I just delete them, but the subject intrigued me enough to open it:


I don't think so, but who knows.  I've heard he can mesmerize the ladies with his ponytail.  It's entirely possible that I authorized it. In fact, it's as possible as receiving a typo-riddled e-mail from the Federal Reserve regarding an inheritance that Michael Bolton (and two of his buddies, apparently--I'm going with his hair dresser and Kenny G) is trying to withdraw with my forged consent.

Office of the Governor.
Federal Reserve Bank
20th Street and Constitution Avenue,
NW Washington, DC 20551
Our ref: FRB/Ohg/Oxd1/2012
Your ref:.........................
Payment: file: FRB/BX5/12.

Attn: Beneficiary,

Payment notification of your funds.

I am Mr Michael Morgan, the secretary to Mr.Williams Dudley;
one of the Directors of the Federal Reserve Bank  (FRB), 
the (parent bank of all commercial banks) here in United states.

I was instructed to initiate contact with you by my boss the Director,
Foreign Contol Unit of the Federal Reserve Bank  (FRB) on
an urgent issue, kindly note that your funds were re-called and re-deposited into 
the "federal suspense account" of the FRB last week, because you did not forward 
your information as instructed in the mail we send to you last 2 weeks.

My boss the Director of the Federal Reserve Bank (FRB), was visited in his office 
by three gentlemen today, really these men were unexpected by him because their 
visit was impromptu. He ask them why they came to see him in person and they said 
that they came to collect the inheritance/contract funds bill  which rightfully 
belongs to you as shown in your file with us, on your behalf and by your 

Note that they actually tendered some vital documents which proved that you 
actually sent them for the collection of these funds. The list of the documents 
which was tendered to the bank today are:

1. Letter of administration.
2. High court injunction.
3. Order to release.

Due to the nature of his job, he cannot afford to make any mistake in releasing 
these funds to anyone except you who is the recognized true beneficiary to these 

My boss asked the men to come back tomorrow so he can verify this fact from you 
first.Kindly clarify us on this issue before we make this payment to these 
foreigners whom came on your behalf.

Kindly direct your response to the private email address of my boss,
Mr.Williams Dudley, the Director,Federal Reserve Bank  (FRB), below for quicker 
deliberation and response from him on the release of your funds to you.

Please remember to contact the bank Lawyer Mrs. Janet Swing and indicate a phone 
number so she can instruct you on how to make claim. Private Email: Note that for security reasons you have been assigned a 
code/password which is {TT7270FRB},please note that this code is the reference 
number for your transfer and it's being disclosed to you alone, guard this 
jealously and all your email response should carry this code as the subject.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Michael Morgan.
"Guard this jealously" is going to be my new motto.

Also, fun trivia fact:  Michael Bolton used to live on the same street as the house where my mother worked as a private nurse.  I've seen the man doing his early morning jog in Richard Simmons-esque shorts, ponytail trailing behind him.  It's been more than 20 years and the image is still burned into my mind.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Hey girl, want to be my stage mother?

For the past week or so a video has been floating around of Ryan Gosling as a child dancing in a church talent show back in his Mormon days.

(He sings for a minute before the dancing starts.)

Not bad...not bad, but Ryan Gosling isn't the only young Mormon with a ward talent show dance video lurking on the internet.  Oh, no.  Ben has one, too.

I'm hoping that there's a connection between embarrassing Mormon talent show dance videos and future acting success.

On Thursday Ben will be auditioning for a part in a small, low budget film.  It's the true story of Donn Fendler, who in 1939, at twelve years old, was lost for nine days on Mt. Katahdin in Maine.  His story became a short book in the 1970s, and I remember it being required reading as a fourth grader growing up in Maine.  I've always remembered the story.  Ben read the book himself a few years ago and loved it.

Ben's trying out for the part of Donn. I think he has a decent shot. Not only does he resemble Mr. Fendler, but the whole reason Donn ended up lost for nine days is because he disobeyed his parents, then broke all the rules he learned in Scouts. He didn't start following those rules until he was good and lost and had to survive.  Ben is an expert at disobedience and ignoring rules. He should be a shoo in!

Kidding aside, I do think he has a chance.  Acting is the one thing he's stuck with, and he's good for a thirteen year old boy.  I've prepared him for the distinct possibility that he won't get the part--who knows who else will be auditioning for it--but I've got my hopes up for him. Think of how well he'll behave when I can threaten to leak information about him to Us Weekly?

Also, almost the entire movie would take place with him in his underwear.  I think that's sufficient payback for the past thirteen years, don't you?

In a strange coincidence, we recently discovered that Donn Fendler lives here in Clarksville just a few miles from us.  Do you think stopping by his house unannounced to ask him to put in a good word with the casting director is too creepy stalkerish?

Anyway, here's to hoping he gets offered the standard rich and famous contract.


In other news, there are four days left to submit pictures for the Yarn Vagina Giveaway!  I didn't get many, so your odds of winning are good.  And $75 will be donated to Fisher House in your name.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Words of Wisdom

  • The more you like a recipe, the more your family will hate it.

    • If a friend dares you to Google something, do not do it.

      • Six year olds will be brutally honest about your appearance, even when their thoughts on the matter are not solicited. 
        • If you find yourself Googling "Is Rainbow Dash a girl or a boy," you've been watching way too much My Little Pony on Netflix. 
          • Do not be the least bit surprised to find that there are whole forums dedicated to the discussion of Rainbow Dash's gender. 
              • Rainbow Dash is a girl, in case you were wondering. But I think maybe she and Apple Jack have done some experimenting, ifyouknowwhatImean.  

                • Pinterest really is a life-sucking vortex that will only make you feel inadequate for not coming up with those things on your own. 
                  • Cats will never judge you for that third cookie. 
                    • If  you haven't watched Sherlock, you must do so immediately.  We need to talk about it. 
                      • Immediately means right now.  Get going!
                          I've had an inexplicable crush on Mr. Holmes since I started watching. 
                          I finally realized that if you cut the hair and added glasses, he'd look like Will.