Thursday, April 30, 2009

Surprised. But not really.

So, you all know who Jon and Kate Gosselin are, right? Jon & Kate Plus Eight? The couple from Pennsylvania with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets and they have a reality show on TLC? Yeah, them.

Have you been reading about Jon's antics of late? First there was the story of him carousing with college co-eds. Trying to kiss them, telling them he was getting a divorce...

Then, while Kate was on the other side of the country (and the kids were being cared for by...whom?), he spent several hours late at night at a club with a woman he referred to as "babe," and staggered out and left with her at 2 am.

On one hand, I'm surprised. On the show he seems like a good guy who loves his family.

On the other hand, I'm shocked it took this long for it to happen. Hello? The man is married to the harpiest of harpies. I think she keeps his testicles in a box in her night stand. She speaks down to him, berates him, belittles him and generally henpecks the man 24/7, regularly on national television. (Go HERE to watch a small clip of what life is like for Jon).

While I don't think adultery is ever the right choice, sometimes...well, sometimes it seems warranted (I know, I know. I'd be singing a different tune if it were my henpecked to death husband hanging at a club calling another woman babe...).

And don't get me started on my feelings about the changes on the show in general. When it started out, it was a peek into a sweet family (though headed by a harpie) just trying to live an ordinary life under extraordinary circumstances. Now? Now it's all about the fame and the money and the 1.3 million dollar, 7000 sq. foot home and the extravagant vacations and...and...who the heck is caring for the "plus eight" part of the equation, anyway? Is $25,000 an episode (what they reportedly receive) worth it?

So, where do you stand on this? How do you feel about Jon Gosselin? Kate? The show in general?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Me at 8:56 tonight...

You've got 4 minutes to wrap this up.

Shut up!


I swear, if you keep talking through the 100th episode of Lost I'm going out tomorrow and officially registering Republican.

Two minutes. TWO MINUTES...STOP TALKING!!!!!

YES!!!! He's done!!!!

Crap...Charlie Gibson. STFU, Charlie Gibson!! Analyze later--Lost is on! LOST!!!!!!

(I'm O.K. now, though. I'm basking in the glow of Daniel Faraday. And Le Fleur. Mmmmmm...Le Fleur....)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sunday with the Douglasses

This tree is where the possum fell/jumped/was pushed to his death.

*Yes, Ben is still in the family, but now that he's ten, he has no time for "family stuff." He was in his room reading and perfecting his attitude and generally being tweenish.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Happy Memorial Day!!!

I know what you're thinking.

Brandi, have you been huffing fabric softener again? Memorial Day isn't for another month.

Yes, as a matter of fact I have been huffing fabric softener, but today is Confederate Memorial Day in Georgia. State offices are closed. Ceremonies will be held.

Now maybe it's just because I'm a born and bred Yankee from New England, but I don't understand the whole Confederate pride thing. A group of people decided to go against the government of our country (which they had a hand in forming not terribly long before) and start a war where thousands of people of died. I think today we call those people terrorists.

To me, celebrating Confederate Memorial Day would be a little like erecting a monument honoring the 9/11 hijackers. Or the Nazis we killed.

I'm sorry that your great great great great great grandpa Jethro got killed in the Civil war, but that's what happens when you decide to start taking over military forts owned and operated by the U.S. Government.

Now get back to your trailer. Hee-Haw's on.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Back in business...literally.


Here we are again.

Holy crap, I have missed this. And all of you.

Let me just address the elephant in the room (no, not me) and put an end to it.

The situation that caused me to take a hiatus has been resolved. No church leader asked me to stop. No one told the Bishop I needed to stop. The whole insane situation stemmed from someone's personal issue with me--the blog was just an innocent bystander. It's taken care of.
If y'all can behave yourselves, I'll turn the comments back on (a 'possum committed suicide in my yard the other day. I have earned the right to say y'all).


There is a silver lining to all the drama that unfolded. Some friends started making "Team Brandi" T-shirt designs for fun, which gave me the idea of stealing some of their designs and opening a CafePress shop to sell them. As tempted as I was to have the proceeds go toward my boob job, it didn't feel right.

So, all profits (between 50 cents and 2 dollars, depending on the item) will be donated to the Central Asia Institute. I first heard about this organization when Awesome Emi did some fundraising for them. Helping girls get educated in countries where women are not valued or even heard makes me happy. And it feels like I'm sticking it to Omar.

To visit the store, Click HERE. There's also a button in my sidebar.

Have I mentioned how much I've missed you people? I have.

To be honest, I'm going to be a little guarded in my posting at first. Not intentioanlly, but you know the saying, "once bitten, twice shy." But I'm sure it won't take long for me to get back to being my normal inappropriate self.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Bad Girl's Club

So I'm back. For a minute anyway.

I made a choice to publicly vent my anger on here, so I feel like I need to set some things straight publicly as well.

First, I spoke with the person who talked to the bishop about my blog. All I can say is that if I were in this person's shoes, I probably would have done exactly the same thing. The insanity that followed was not caused by this person, nor did they intend for it to happen. So, no more badmouthing the "tattler."

Also, my bishop had nothing to do with my decision to stop blogging. My bishop is a good and kind man. So, no more badmouthing my bishop.

I contributed a great deal to my own problem by yelling, whining, crying and generally acting like a lunatic for nearly a week and sharing my indignation with pretty much everyone I know. That part alone (the sharing my indignation with everyone) created its own set of issues, including gossip and having e-mails changed and forwarded and misinformation being passed around. So, shame on me for that.

I do have reasons why I'm choosing to put the blog on hold. There are some very sick people in this world, and one such person decided to take advantage of the situation in a cruel way.

I'm keeping the comments off, but if you need to contact me, you're welcome (as always) to e-mail me. The address is over there -----> somewhere (or you can use my private e-mail address if you have it).

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Out of order.

The ridiculousness has reached such insane proportions at this point that it would be impossible for me to continue blogging. If you saw the e-mails I'm receiving, you would understand.

I will never again be able to write how I feel without wondering if I'm going to get in trouble for it, or causing friends to fight with friends.

The reason for this blog was to allow me to be me, and I apparently can't be me anymore. Even good friends have given me the advice that I should change this or change that.

But if I change this or change that, then it's not me anymore. So, really, what's the point?

I'm sorry that I'm not going to be able to continue some of the things this blog has made possible, and I'm even more sorry that I'm not going to have the opportunity to meet such a vast array of people as I have the past year.

I appreciate the kind words I've received, and I even appreciate the harsh ones.

Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

To thine own self be true.

So, there has been an upheaval behind the scenes here over the past few days.

The short version is this: There are some members of my church congregation (no, NOT Sylwia!) who decided that this blog was "inappropriate" and that I was giving our religion a bad name.

Rather than coming to me about their concerns, they chose to take it to our Bishop (like a minister or pastor).

Now I'm in a world of trouble.

I have a few options available to me, including making the blog private, quitting the blog all together or heavily editing what I've already written and only posting sweetness and light from now on.

I am choosing none of those options. I am choosing to continue this blog in the way I always have.

This is why.

I have taken the past two days to really think honestly and pray about what I've posted and how I present myself. And I've come to the conclusion that I am in good standing with God. I have not done anything that I would feel ashamed to tell my bishop or expect to be punished for.

If I were to lose certain privileges or be released from certain duties at church, I will accept those consequences and take responsibility for my actions. I can't change what I've already done. If I committed a sin by posting certain things, editing them now won't change that. All I can do is move forward.

Can I be a better person? Of course I can. Do I sin? All the time! Do I try my best to be a good person every day? Absolutely. Do I sometimes fail at that? Certainly.

But who doesn't?

If you find this blog objectionable, then stop reading it for crying out loud!!! You worry about your own salvation and let me worry about mine.

If you are a friend and you have a concern, then come to me! I may not agree with your opinion, but I will take it into consideration. I am willing to learn.

Appropriateness is a subjective thing. What is inappropriate to one person may be perfectly acceptable to the next. Do not assume that your definition is God's.

And this is all I'm going to say about the matter.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Guest blogger

O.K., not really. But I'm sending you to read someone else's blog today.

No worries--it's clean, uplifting and safe for puritan eyes.

Once upon a time...

Click on that. It says all I need to say today.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Family Update Volume IX

So, I have a real live update this week!

First, we had a tornado Friday night. We'd had thunder, lightning and wind all evening, and then a tornado watch. And then a tornado warning.

Around 10 pm we heard what sounded like a train coming up our street. Then the power flickered wildly and went out. Then the tornado siren went off. We don't have an interior room. Our closets are all itty bitty. So, we just went to bed and hoped we wouldn't wake up in Oz. The power came back on around 5 am. When we ventured out on Saturday, we saw that a giant tree had crushed a truck and the mobile home it was parked in front of. Apparently other trailers in the area had been picked up and flipped over. There were a lot of trees, branches and other debris all over the roads. Luckily, nothing happened to our house or yard. We had a few large branches come down, but the boys' bikes didn't even get blown over.

After lunch on Saturday we had an Easter egg hunt at a park with the rest of the Fat Frumpy Five and their families. Then we had a barbecue. The storms had all blown out of town and we had beautiful weather. The kids wore shorts and sandals. I, as usual, forgot my camera. I'm sure if you visit Tina's blog in the near future she'll have some posted.

In other news, Ben turns 10 on Monday. When did I get old enough to have a kid in the double digits?

In even bigger news, we are moving!!! We're only going about a mile down the road (the boys won't even have to change schools), but it will be a vast improvement.

Currently we live on the edge of the slums. Our immediate neighborhood is O.K. It's mainly retired people living in the same brick bungalows they built back in 1970. But about a block away the area starts to get seedy. It's not so much that it's dangerous--it's just poverty stricken. Basically, street after street of people living in squalor.

Also, the house we're currently in is probably about 1200 square feet. The landlady said 1500, but I seriously doubt it. And it's old. They did do some renovations, but they did them haphazardly. Our kitchen counter is not attached to anything. They left smears of brown grout on the white ceramic tile so my kitchen floor looks filthy. The toilets hate us (especially Will). Oh, and when they replaced the kitchen cabinets, they failed to put up any insulation. The backs of the cabinets are the outer wall of the house. So, heat and air conditioning gets very, very expensive. We regularly had electric bills of $400 last summer. This is what happens when you rent a place sight unseen.

Anyway, the house we're moving to is 1900 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 car garage, privacy fenced large yard, gas fire place, new appliances, granite counters, tray ceilings, walk in closets (great for future tornadoes), soaking tub in the master, an actual laundry room... Just an all around great house in a really nice neighborhood (Pepper Hill, for you locals). And all for only $130 a month more than we're paying for our current crap hole. May 1st can't come soon enough.

And finally, I'm officially down 68 pounds since my surgery January 14th, 98 pounds since mid September. Oddly, I feel fatter than ever. I know, ridiculous.

88 days, 68 pounds

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Do re mi fa so la ti do...

So, I'm stealing this video from Harmony. Please watch it--you need your speakers on-- before you scroll down for the rest of the post (Don't worry, it's completely uplifting and family friendly. Even your toddlers will like it. I promise.)

So, did it make you cry? When Harmony posted it on her blog, everyone (including me) commented that it made them cry. Happy tears, I think, but tears nonetheless. It's not really a video that you would think would invoke such an emotional response, but it does. Harmony's mom had a pretty great theory as to why, but I want to hear what you have to say first.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Calling all Mormons (and those who love them).

It finally happened. I had a commenter call me to repentance. I've been waiting for this day.

They were cowardly and chose to do it anonymously, but thanks to the wonders of technology you're never completely anonymous.

I know that you are from the Ft. Meade, Maryland area, so you likely know me (or know of me) from there. I also know who's blog you came through (and they will be notified privately). I also know that you are a Comcast customer and I know your IP address. And if I wasn't so lazy I could find out exactly who you are and file a complaint and cause you a little inconvenience for a week or two.

But I'm nicer than that, so I won't.

If the rest of you would like to read my call to repentance, go HERE and view the comments. It's number 21. Feel free to weigh in on the issue on this post or that one. I'm quite curious to know how the rest of you feel (mainly because this very conversation took place among a group of my friends around midnight last night).

Thursday, April 9, 2009

"All gay men are named Mark, Rick or Steve."

Go HERE and take a gander.

Is anyone else's gaydar pinging like crazy? Especially for Steve?

*1000 points for naming the title movie.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Is it wrong to Febreze a human?

So, Ben's friend is over playing.

Last night he showed up at 6:00. He's never been here before and I've never met him nor his parents. He says, "Is this where Ben lives?" I say yes. "Can I sleep over?" Ummm, no.

But I did tell him he could come over after 11 am today and play until we leave at 5. At 11 am on the dot he was here. His grandma dropped him off. She was just going to drive away, but I chased her down so she stopped. Silly me, wanting to know things like what time do you want him home? Where do you live? Can I feed him lunch? Any food allergies? Anything else I need to know--like a history of starting fires or anything? You know, the little things.

So, he's here playing.

And the boy reeks. It's a combination of cigarette smoke and 10 year old boy B.O.

I know it's not his fault, but I really, really want to Febreze him.

Maybe I could put it in a Super-Soaker and send them out to squirt each other?

Monday, April 6, 2009

The men talk back!

In case you were one of the three people in the universe who didn't show up to read the original post, please go here and read it first. This'll all make a lot more sense.

So, after the huge response I (O.K., Sylwia, actually) got from the original post, I thought it would be interesting to get the male perspective. A few brave souls were willing to contribute.

As I posted before, there is nothing dirty or bad in this post, however it is intended for ADULTS ONLY.

Here we go.

Cheyenne wrote:

I must say I found it hard to think of something with substance to contribute to this topic. But I didn't want to perpetuate the stereotype that all a guy needs is a (sometimes) warm vagina to be happy.

Spicing it up is important. Eventually (eternity is a long time after all) it is going to get boring. You can usually tell when you hit a rut, because your spouse will usually say something sexy like, "So you wanna have sex huh?" and then assume the position. Dressing up sometimes helps. I enjoy coming home to my wife as a sexy secretary. Although, it is usually one-sided as I haven't figured out how to reciprocate as a sexy boss. Maybe a Member's Only jacket?

No one is going to have fun if you're doing something you don't want to do. But if you're a normal person and okay with it, try something besides missionary. (Note: Never do missionary. You should only do that if you are on a mission.) TABOO WARNING: Also, remember - if God didn't want you to have sex on your period he wouldn't have invented the shower. It can heighten a woman's sensations. It's science. So can anal stimulation. Also science. Trust me. I went to college as a freshman for four years.

The biggest roadblock I can think of is embarrassment. Your spouse should be your bestest friend. So why is it so hard to tell them what you REALLY want? I found out several years in that my wife actually got hot talking about sex. Wish I knew that earlier. I guess I was scared she would think I was a freak and run away screaming if I said I always wanted her to dress up as a raccoon as I covered her in baby oil.

OH YEAH! Take control. Yeah, yeah, we're men and dominate, blah, blah, blah. Nothing is hotter than a lady grabbing your head and positioning it where she wants it. Or hands. Or...gasp...Penis.

Adama* wrote:

I was both surprised and appreciative to be given the opportunity to contribute. I'm an older guy, older than most of you anyway, and let me tell you, you're never too old to learn a few new tricks.

I think the younger men will likely cover the specifics of what they think constiutes great sex, so I'll leave that side to the experts. What I really want to address is something that came up in the women's post. The exchange in the comments became quite heated, so I chose not to share my opinion there. Now that I'm given the floor, so to speak, I'd like to share it now.

A young lady stated that sex is "all about the woman."

She is correct that women usually need far more than men to acheive a satisfying sexual relationship.

Here is where I disagree. No relationship, be it sexual or otherwise, can be healthy if one person is continuously the giver and the other simply receives. I'm certain her husband is delighted to serve her in such a loving and intimate manner, but should that be it? Forever?

No one, male or female, should ever do anything sexual that they are physically or emotionally uncomfortable with, or that our church leaders have counseled against. Please don't misunderstand me. I want that to be very clear before I go on.

But equally important is that there be a give and take in our relationships. While this young husband may delight in serving his wife, it does not mean that he would not also enjoy being served, ahem, from time to time. Let me put it in non sexual terms: My wife adores cooking. The only thing she likes more than cooking is watching her family enjoy her culinary creations. She is happy to cook every meal. However, that does not mean she doesn't enjoy it when I surprise her by doing the meal preparation myself once in a while and let her sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Christ should always be our foremost example in all things. He spent His entire life serving others. If we are not serving each other, even, or perhaps especially, when it comes to our intimate marital relations, then we are not following His example.

Starbuck* wrote:

Honestly, I think the women covered nearly everything. All I really have to offer is this: Remember that this is your eternal companion. Hopefully, as we remember that, we'll stop being embarrassed or afraid to express what we want to our partner.

Also, remember that the only person besides the two of you who should be part of your marriage is our Heavenly Father. It's O.K to talk to Him about sex. I think we sometimes forget that.

Saul* wrote:

1. Hairless (if you know what I mean) is the best way to go.
2. Talking dirty (as much as you are comfortable with) is a great thing.
3. See number 1.
4. See number 2.

Apollo* wrote:

I would say guys enjoy sex more frequently than women do. So sometimes it might seem like a chore for her, but if the guy is smart, he will always show his appreciation to her for it. If he gets the feeling she's not into it, though, it can kill the mood pretty quickly.

I would say communication and some willingness to go outside the comfort zone are the keys to keeping it fun and alive. And I don't mean the "physical comfort zone," but the mental "I've never considered that" zone.

Variety is a huge one- the whole get undressed at the same time, get into bed, do the usual positions routine becomes just that- routine. So varying time, place, dress (or not) etc... keeps things interesting. ESPECIALLY if it's initiated by her and when it's NOT planned for by me. Surprise sex is the best!
(And I guess that's partly because it's always better when she initiates, rather than my having to.)

Really, though, sex is just one component of a marriage. I've heard a story of one Joseph Smith getting chided by someone who thought it was unbecoming that the Prophet would be washing the floors of his house. Joseph replied something to the effect of "If you don't take care of your wife in this life, then you won't have her in the next." She'll always be more willing to help the guy out if he helps her out.

Boomer* wrote:

Women are more like a puzzle where all the pieces keep changing shapes just as we are about to put the pieces together. What works for a woman one time may totally not work for her the next time, so be flexible and she will probably want to be flexible too. :-)

Think about her, pay attention to the rhythms of her body, listen to her breathing and be willing to use some creative, alternative methods to help her get there first. If it has been awhile since she has had an orgasm and she finally has one, try to keep them coming. It will make her want to have sex more often and it will get easier to get her there. It will also make her more eager to please…….

Someone mentioned shaving little hearts and such….well let’s say that keeping everything neat and tightly trimmed or just plan BARE (preferably) turns up the heat for both of us.

68 is okay too, you know, I do you and you owe me one. There is nothing wrong with being unselfish toward each other. However, when I am the one giving (even if I was not planning on receiving anything, well okay I’m always planning to get something and sometimes I am successful), it always turns into a demand for me when she gets there.

All the talk about it being all about the woman is kinda true. Don’t get me wrong, I am after mine too, but if I take the time to get her extremely aroused, it is so much better for me and her. I guess it is more “her first” than “only her”.

Chief* wrote:

There is a time to touch softly and speak gently, and there is a time to touch passionately and speak heatedly. Only you and your spouse know when those times are. Communication and give and take are the keys to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Everything else is just rainbow sprinkles on the ice cream.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

** The above are just opinions. Take them for what they are.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

What happens in Amish country stays in Amish country.

Amish Buggy black! No punch backs!

A little over a year ago I went with four friends on a girl's weekend to Lancaster, Pennsylvania-- also known as Amish country.

We stayed in a beautiful private house, which had been converted from an old barn on the property of an equally beautiful bed and breakfast.

We knew it was going to be a memorable weekend when we realized that we'd be taking the breathalyzer-mobile on our getaway.

You see, the best vehicle available for us to take on a long road trip was the SUV belonging to the husband of one of the women. Without going into too much detail, this vehicle had been court ordered to be equipped with a breathalyzer. Before it would start (and also at random intervals while driving!) it required the driver to blow into the contraption to make sure said driver wasn't drunk.

And this was a very finicky breathalyzer. You couldn't just blow and be done with it. Oh, no. You had to blow in a very particular way, sometimes even having to hum and talk dirty to get the thing to register and allow you to drive. And if you didn't get it to register within a certain amount of time, apparently alarms and whatnot would start going off and the vehicle would be disabled.

So picture, if you will, five Mormon women (including all four members of the Relief Society Presidency) cruising around Amish country, constantly playing a game of beat the clock with a breathalyzer. And making the inevitable bj jokes.

One night we had the opportunity to have dinner with an Amish family in their home. (The food, though simple, was incredible. And although she may have been speaking Pennsylvania Dutch, we all knew exactly what Amish-mom was saying to her son as he swung back and forth on the gas-powered refrigerator door. The Amish? Just like us, but without electricity bills.)

So after the Amish dinner we get in the breathalyzer-mobile to leave. The breathalyzer decided to be extra picky. It would not register. The countdown to blaring alarms and a big flashing neon sign that says "this vehicle is owned by a former drunk driver" was winding down. Plus, we were in the front yard of a very nice Amish family who were likely wondering why the crazy Mormon women hadn't left yet. Oh, and we were also blocking several other people trying to leave. Some of who came to the window to see if we were broken down.

Everyone took turns trying to blow into the thing (except me, because I'm not into sharing bodily fluids, even with my close friends). Finally one of them got it to register just in the nick of time. I think she may have promised it sexual favors, because nothing else had worked.

Also, for some reason that was never quite explained, there was a brass frog prince statue stashed in the breathalyzer-mobile. He came with us everywhere. He even took a turn with the breathalyzer.

When I moved away shortly after, he got to come and live with me. He now resides in my bathroom.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Angry Chicken

Feel free to keep discussing the last post as long as you like, but I'm going to move on.

So, as I mentioned before, I swapped my workout schedule in hopes of encountering some new crazies to talk about.

While I've yet to find anyone who comes close to being as entertaining as Omar the Sexist Saudi and the One Armed Retarded Girl, I have found a couple of new faces to keep my mind off the fact that my thighs are on fire.

Namely, The Angry Chicken.

This woman intrigues me. At first I thought maybe she was "special," because I've never met a "normal" person like this. I even went waaay out of my comfort zone to engage her in conversation just to see. Nope, not "special." Just crazy.

I first saw her back in January. No matter what machine she's on, she leads from the neck up. Even when she's just walking around, it seems as though she's propelling herself forward with her head. Bob bob bob. Like a chicken.

Then she came storming into the locker room one morning. There are mostly small lockers, but also a wall of large lockers. She starts opening the large lockers and slamming them shut as she finds them all taken.

Then the profanity started.

"I can't @$%&ing believe this! I'm 20 minutes late and there are no @#$%ing lockers left!"

Open, SLAM! Open, SLAM!

Mind you, she didn't have a bag. Just a jacket. It would easily have fit in one of the small lockers.

Then she sat down on the bench and the tears started. And the hyperventilating. Another woman approached her and asked if she was O.K.

"No. I'm not @#$%ing fine. There are no @#$%ing lockers! I need to @#$%ing exercise and I @#$%ing can't because I have no place to put my @#$%ing coat."

Nicy lady trying to help backs off. I stifle laughter. I'm totally dressed at this point--I'm just hanging out to see what happens next.

What happened was that she (and therefore I) sat there for 15 minutes until someone came and vacated a locker.

And she didn't even wait for the poor woman to completely finish. She stood about 6 inches from her asking her to please hurry up the whole time.

Then, last week she came into the gym apparently planning to use a treadmill. They were all full. So she paced back an forth bob bob bob saying, "Hurry up!" over and over and over. Finally a trainer came over and asked her to stop. What followed made my whole week.

"Do you see my ass? Do you see the cellulite on my ass? Do you think I'm ever going to get a @#$%ing man with an ass like this? I need to be on one those {pointing to the treadmill} NOW. My ass can't wait for these people to finish. I need a @#$%ing MAN."

Cue laughter from the elliptical people observing all this.

Unfortunately for those of us watching, a man happened to be getting off a treadmill at that point. I really wanted to see what would have happened if she (and her ass) had had to wait longer.

What made it even funnier was that her ass was probably the most attractive thing about her. She kind of looks like Sloth from "The Goonies." You know, if Sloth had a bad perm and a unibrow.

So worth every single penny I pay for my membership.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Everything I know about sex I learned from my girlfriends.

Warning: While this post contains nothing dirty or bad, it is intended for adults only.

Samuel H., go read Harry Potter or something.

One of the things I hear from you guys a lot is that sometimes the comments are better than the blog. After my ego recovered, I realized I agree with you. So, I decided that I'd try getting the comments first. I sent out a request for sex advice to a handful of girlfriends. And now, with their permission, I'm going to share their nuggets of wisdom with you.

And to the three of you who wrote back that everything you know about sex you learned from me: My deepest apologies to your husbands.

So get comfy (it's long) (That's what she said), grab a snack, turn up your speakers (I added a playlist especially for the occasion) and prepare to take copious notes.

Marianne wrote:

1. Know your body and what feels good. If you don't know yourself, how can you tell your man what to do? It's not like he knows.

2. Don't be afraid to tell your man what feels good. He wants you to reach climax. It's a huge ego boost for him. But he doesn't necessarily know how to get you there (you have to do #1 first).

3. Have fun. Get some tasty stuff and some vibrating stuff and both be embarrassed together, and then learn what makes both of you happy.

4. Don't be so polite when you talk to your girlfriends. I have some really great girlfriends that I can have some really candid and graphic conversations with. I don't remember specifics, but I will say that my husband has benefited many times from something so-and-so has taught me.

5. Have sex. Lots of it. It gets your sex muscles in shape and you enjoy it more. EVERY TIME!!! ... if you know what I mean.

Tammy* wrote:

These are the things that I wish someone had told me that you don't get from romance books.

1. It's smelly.
2. It's messy (have a washcloth handy if it's planned coitus).
3. The erect penis is the weirdest thing I EVER saw.
4. It's OK to do it while on your period!
5. Oral sex is OK TO DO. Whatever you're in the mood for.
6. LOTS of Mormon women have sex toys. The only reason I purchased my first 'toy' was because I felt like I was left out after hearing so many women tell me about theirs!
7. Experiment, experiment, EXPERIMENT!! How else do you find what you like/don't like if you don't try it? I never would have known the kitchen table had other purposes besides edible food if I hadn't experimented!

Delilah* wrote:

I don't really have any tips, but I will say one thing - never ever underestimate how much guys like sex. And how much they think about sex. And how much they like their "little guys." And how much they think about their "little guys." But don't call them their "little guys." Because never underestimate how much of their ego is tied into sex.

Harmony wrote:

I had this problem where I thought everything needed to be perfect for sex (Me? Perfectionist? YEAH!). Like I needed my legs shaved, great hair, candlelight......on and on. It got worse when I had kids and thought I didn't have the perfect body, so I kept saying "We're not having much sex now, BUT just you wait until I lose 30 lbs." I realized it doesn't really matter to men (at least not mine). Show up, be willing and encouraging and they will love you for it. That has been my big awakening sex moment. Dumb, but that's it.

Also, buy Cosmo. I have a subscription. I read their sex ideas and some of them (when you cut out the dribble) are AWESOME. If you don't want the magazine, go to and look up the "Sex & Love" section.

Make out. Like all the time. There should also be lots of butt/boob grabbing. My parents are super public kissers, which I don't love but sneaking some kisses in there is great (it's like dating again. Only you can have SEX!)

If all that fails, wear black lacy thigh highs and one of his church shirts. Done deal dude.

I talked to my husband about this too (because really, what else are you going to talk about on a bike ride other than SEX?!?!). I thought for sure he'd say "Take naked pictures!" (which has been the theme of our entire marriage. I GET IT. NAKED PICTURES), but he said to keep an open line of communication. Say "hey, I really liked when you did {enter dirty deed here}. It was amazing." Tell your husband what works for you--really, he wants some guidance. We've done pretty well there--helps that I can't keep a thought to myself!

That's all I've got. I'm all sexed out. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

"Gushers"* wrote:

1. Don't put candles close to your bed. Your pillow is likely to start on fire. Yeah, you put out more than one fire…

2. Cops catch you if you try and make love in your Truck.

3. Take out one of your favorite games and play until no one is wearing any clothes. Super fun.. P.S. Make sure all your kids are in bed.

4. Don't forget to role play.

5. Keep the adventure alive.

6. Having sex more than 3 times a night hurts.

7. Surprises when you get home are the best.

8. Ladies, keep going until you think you can't take it any longer. I promise you will enjoy what you can't take… It's amazing.

9. Women, you can orgasm from two different areas: Your clitoris and your G-spot.

10. Don't forget to tell your partner what you like and what you don't like.

11. Try new positions, try new things. Super fun-- you never know what you are missing until you try a new position.

12. Remember, practice makes perfect. Make love at least twice a week.

13. FYI , women can make bigger messes than men.

14. Condoms are not just for birth control. They make for a really fast clean up. They are also good in extending the action.

Stella* wrote:

-Surprise your husband by shaving or trimming your pubic hair.

-Have a discussion about his favorite touch points and your favorite touch points. Then try them out!

-If you don't have favorites, find them by touching new spots on your husband-top of inner thigh, place between top of legs (whatever that is called on a man, think the same area called the perineum on women), collarbones, back of neck, head, behind ears, ankles, etc. Find what feels good for both of you.

-Go to bed earlier! How often do we complain that we're just too tied but we really could have gone to bed earlier and lost that excuse.

-Stop using excuses and just do it! I've never heard from anyone that they regretted the act once it got going.

-Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"-very good insights on how to keep your man wanting you.

Sylwia wrote:

The Do's
1. Always remember that sex is all about you (the woman) having an orgasm. Men's bodies are simple and don't require much manipulation or attention to produce an orgasm. Women's bodies are different and complex. This is not a bad thing. By concentrating sex on always pleasing you, the sexual act turns into a way the man shows the woman he truly loves her. Both men and woman love that outcome.

2. Remember that unlike men who have one sexual organ, women have several. The clitoris, the g spot, the breasts, may all need to be manipulated to produce an orgasm. Teach your husband to multi-task and stimulate as many of your sexual parts at the same time as possible, until your orgasm is produced. Never end sex until you've had an orgasm.

3. Practice, practice, practice.

4. Unlike men who may like things rough, women get more excited the more gentle the man is. Make that very clear to your husband. Always remember that sex is all about pleasing you. If you are pleased and satisfied each time, your husband will be more satisfied, and you will desire sex more often. Your sex drive will be as strong as his, and he will like that.

5. It's OK to take your time. You don't have to rush anything.

6. After you have an orgasm, have your husband caress your naked body gently. It's very pleasing and relaxing.

The Don'ts
1. Don't look at pornography with your husband to enhance your sexuality. Pornography leads to addiction which will lead a person to lose the ability to love, be romantic, and to have relationships.

2. Don't take antidepressants. Most people who take antidepressants not only decrease their sex drive, but they also lose the ability to orgasm.

3. Don't engage in anything that feels degrading or not fun for you. Examples include giving men oral sex, or anal sex.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

** The above are just opinions. Take them for what they are.

*** Sorry about the weird colors and fonts. I tried copying from a word document and Blogger apparently objects.