Friday, April 3, 2009

The Angry Chicken

Feel free to keep discussing the last post as long as you like, but I'm going to move on.

So, as I mentioned before, I swapped my workout schedule in hopes of encountering some new crazies to talk about.

While I've yet to find anyone who comes close to being as entertaining as Omar the Sexist Saudi and the One Armed Retarded Girl, I have found a couple of new faces to keep my mind off the fact that my thighs are on fire.

Namely, The Angry Chicken.

This woman intrigues me. At first I thought maybe she was "special," because I've never met a "normal" person like this. I even went waaay out of my comfort zone to engage her in conversation just to see. Nope, not "special." Just crazy.

I first saw her back in January. No matter what machine she's on, she leads from the neck up. Even when she's just walking around, it seems as though she's propelling herself forward with her head. Bob bob bob. Like a chicken.

Then she came storming into the locker room one morning. There are mostly small lockers, but also a wall of large lockers. She starts opening the large lockers and slamming them shut as she finds them all taken.

Then the profanity started.

"I can't @$%&ing believe this! I'm 20 minutes late and there are no @#$%ing lockers left!"

Open, SLAM! Open, SLAM!

Mind you, she didn't have a bag. Just a jacket. It would easily have fit in one of the small lockers.

Then she sat down on the bench and the tears started. And the hyperventilating. Another woman approached her and asked if she was O.K.

"No. I'm not @#$%ing fine. There are no @#$%ing lockers! I need to @#$%ing exercise and I @#$%ing can't because I have no place to put my @#$%ing coat."

Nicy lady trying to help backs off. I stifle laughter. I'm totally dressed at this point--I'm just hanging out to see what happens next.

What happened was that she (and therefore I) sat there for 15 minutes until someone came and vacated a locker.

And she didn't even wait for the poor woman to completely finish. She stood about 6 inches from her asking her to please hurry up the whole time.

Then, last week she came into the gym apparently planning to use a treadmill. They were all full. So she paced back an forth bob bob bob saying, "Hurry up!" over and over and over. Finally a trainer came over and asked her to stop. What followed made my whole week.

"Do you see my ass? Do you see the cellulite on my ass? Do you think I'm ever going to get a @#$%ing man with an ass like this? I need to be on one those {pointing to the treadmill} NOW. My ass can't wait for these people to finish. I need a @#$%ing MAN."

Cue laughter from the elliptical people observing all this.

Unfortunately for those of us watching, a man happened to be getting off a treadmill at that point. I really wanted to see what would have happened if she (and her ass) had had to wait longer.

What made it even funnier was that her ass was probably the most attractive thing about her. She kind of looks like Sloth from "The Goonies." You know, if Sloth had a bad perm and a unibrow.

So worth every single penny I pay for my membership.


  1. Oh how funny Brandi! You do meet some of the most fascinating people. Oh boy who will you meet next?

  2. hehehehehhehehhehehhe....

    This is is why I keep coming back. Woman, you are priceless!!

  3. I just got a Metro Y membership. So which one do you use and at what time? I've GOT to see the Angry Chicken for myself.

    I wonder if your fan Lauren has already figured out who the Angry Chicken is...

  4. You're so lucky! I've been to multiple gyms this week and no weirdos at all. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough, or maybe I have to look into going to the Y. I'm sure Baltimore YMCA's have some loonies.

  5. Chrysta--

    I go to the one on Wheeler Rd.
    Angry chicken is there nearly everyday around 9. I haven't seen Omar since the One Armed Girl incident, but he had been at the pool on Thursday mornings around 8:30.
    One Armed Retarded Girl is at the pool every Saturday morning at 8:30.
    There's also a one armed elderly man in the gym every day. He's sweet and kind and not weird, but he drives an old VW bug. I'm pretty sure those didn't come in automatic. And it's his right arm that's missing.
    There's also a completely anorexic woman (for real--she has to be), who has also had a boob job. She's there daily at 9:15 on the ellipticals. I've heard people wondering aloud how she doesn't fall over from the weight of her boobage.
    And I'm in the gym T,Th,S from 8:45-9:45 (usually earlier on Saturdays unless I have to bring the kids). I swim M,W,F from 8:45-10:00.

    This is rural Georgia. You can't swing a cat without hitting a lunatic.

    I miss you guys, too! I've been contemplating a post about the breathalyzing RS presidency, but then I wonder if it's only funny if you were there. Maybe I'll post it anyway. Shiny Frog is still in the bathroom, watching me pee.

  6. LOL! I'm just imagining someone swinging a cat. Do they do that in GA?

    I would love to relive those few days on your blog. Do you need pics? I've got some froggy ones. I'm glad he found a good home. :)

  7. Dang! You're an early bird. For one thing, I hate mornings. But for the other thing that's actually valid, Trinity Baptist doesn't start until 9:30, so by the time I'd get all the way over to Wheeler Rd., all the crazies would be gone :(

    It occurred to me about 15 minutes ago that in getting so riled up at Sylwia this week, I managed to spill my deepest, darkest secrets to roughly 10,000 people, which probably includes most of the ward. By the time we get to church on Sunday morning, the Bishopric will have me on the suicide watch list and all the men will just be looking at my poor, poor husband with abject pity. I hope like hell they don't tell him why.

    Anyone have a nice bag or bucket that will look good on my head with my Sunday clothes?

  8. Nah, it's conference weekend. They'll forget by the time we actually have to go back to church.


  9. Well, at least if I do have to resort to wearing a bag on my head, the Primary kids will just think it's a new game for singing time.


  10. Now I want to go to our gym and scout for crazies. That's saying something -I hate the gym here. Transformations ruined me for life.

  11. I love the gym. When I actually go back to going, I'm going to scout for crazies. There shouldn't be too many, but they let the Japanese civilians that work on base use the gym, maybe some of them are crazy.

    And would it be too much to ask you to get one of those pen cameras like Veronica Mars has to take pictures of these people. or video. video would be better. 10,000 hits no problem with video.

    And Poohcrewz I don't think there is anything to be embarrassed of. Unless your husband was mentioning how the child who currently won't vacate your womb was conceived. husband did that in the comments.

  12. Crystal, I feel your pain. My first was induced at 41 weeks due to low amniotic fluid and he STILL wouldn't come out after 24 hours of pitocin labor plus 3 hours of pushing (during which they let the epidural wear off so I could "push better" - yeah, right...). The only good thing about the fact that I now have all of my children by c-section (thanks to #1) is that there is a scheduled end date at 39 weeks. I won't ASK you if you've had a baby yet, I will just tell Heavenly Father that He really needs to tell that kid to quit stalling and kick him/her out of heaven already...

    ...and hey, at least you and your husband are doing it...

  13. oh, and Ariella/Brandi:

    I have been obsessing all day about the breathalyzing RS presidency. I NEED TO KNOW THIS STORY!!!

    Pretty please?

  14. brandi

    i think you should invite this angry chicken lady to church. then you can have your own special friend who makes outbursts in sunday school and relief society!

  15. Sylwia,

    I thought you were my "special" friend who has outbursts in Sunday school and Relief Society?

  16. brandi

    fine, the angry chicken can be mine, just invite her...

  17. and yes, i do burst out laughing thanks to our friend's special friend.

    but there needs to be more people who make church fun. i think there are mostly normal people in our ward because they are all young.

    but the one day we went to harlem ward, was a different story. we were laughing our pants off. the old people make it memorable, don't you think?

  18. maybe the angry chicken could lead the music with her head?

  19. FYI...I accidentally went to (one "s") and it was talking about their Russian adoption. I was like WTH??


  20. SDL,

    That's funny. Last night when my husband and I were catching up on Brandi's sex comment he typed in the same thing. Who knew that there were other people in the world named Douglas that kept diaries?

  21. hm. i'd venture to say.. its not her ass keeping the men away. but you know. i could totally be wrong.

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