Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Everything I know about sex I learned from my girlfriends.

Warning: While this post contains nothing dirty or bad, it is intended for adults only.

Samuel H., go read Harry Potter or something.

One of the things I hear from you guys a lot is that sometimes the comments are better than the blog. After my ego recovered, I realized I agree with you. So, I decided that I'd try getting the comments first. I sent out a request for sex advice to a handful of girlfriends. And now, with their permission, I'm going to share their nuggets of wisdom with you.

And to the three of you who wrote back that everything you know about sex you learned from me: My deepest apologies to your husbands.

So get comfy (it's long) (That's what she said), grab a snack, turn up your speakers (I added a playlist especially for the occasion) and prepare to take copious notes.

Marianne wrote:

1. Know your body and what feels good. If you don't know yourself, how can you tell your man what to do? It's not like he knows.

2. Don't be afraid to tell your man what feels good. He wants you to reach climax. It's a huge ego boost for him. But he doesn't necessarily know how to get you there (you have to do #1 first).

3. Have fun. Get some tasty stuff and some vibrating stuff and both be embarrassed together, and then learn what makes both of you happy.

4. Don't be so polite when you talk to your girlfriends. I have some really great girlfriends that I can have some really candid and graphic conversations with. I don't remember specifics, but I will say that my husband has benefited many times from something so-and-so has taught me.

5. Have sex. Lots of it. It gets your sex muscles in shape and you enjoy it more. EVERY TIME!!! ... if you know what I mean.

Tammy* wrote:

These are the things that I wish someone had told me that you don't get from romance books.

1. It's smelly.
2. It's messy (have a washcloth handy if it's planned coitus).
3. The erect penis is the weirdest thing I EVER saw.
4. It's OK to do it while on your period!
5. Oral sex is OK TO DO. Whatever you're in the mood for.
6. LOTS of Mormon women have sex toys. The only reason I purchased my first 'toy' was because I felt like I was left out after hearing so many women tell me about theirs!
7. Experiment, experiment, EXPERIMENT!! How else do you find what you like/don't like if you don't try it? I never would have known the kitchen table had other purposes besides edible food if I hadn't experimented!

Delilah* wrote:

I don't really have any tips, but I will say one thing - never ever underestimate how much guys like sex. And how much they think about sex. And how much they like their "little guys." And how much they think about their "little guys." But don't call them their "little guys." Because never underestimate how much of their ego is tied into sex.

Harmony wrote:

I had this problem where I thought everything needed to be perfect for sex (Me? Perfectionist? YEAH!). Like I needed my legs shaved, great hair, candlelight......on and on. It got worse when I had kids and thought I didn't have the perfect body, so I kept saying "We're not having much sex now, BUT just you wait until I lose 30 lbs." I realized it doesn't really matter to men (at least not mine). Show up, be willing and encouraging and they will love you for it. That has been my big awakening sex moment. Dumb, but that's it.

Also, buy Cosmo. I have a subscription. I read their sex ideas and some of them (when you cut out the dribble) are AWESOME. If you don't want the magazine, go to and look up the "Sex & Love" section.

Make out. Like all the time. There should also be lots of butt/boob grabbing. My parents are super public kissers, which I don't love but sneaking some kisses in there is great (it's like dating again. Only you can have SEX!)

If all that fails, wear black lacy thigh highs and one of his church shirts. Done deal dude.

I talked to my husband about this too (because really, what else are you going to talk about on a bike ride other than SEX?!?!). I thought for sure he'd say "Take naked pictures!" (which has been the theme of our entire marriage. I GET IT. NAKED PICTURES), but he said to keep an open line of communication. Say "hey, I really liked when you did {enter dirty deed here}. It was amazing." Tell your husband what works for you--really, he wants some guidance. We've done pretty well there--helps that I can't keep a thought to myself!

That's all I've got. I'm all sexed out. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

"Gushers"* wrote:

1. Don't put candles close to your bed. Your pillow is likely to start on fire. Yeah, you put out more than one fire…

2. Cops catch you if you try and make love in your Truck.

3. Take out one of your favorite games and play until no one is wearing any clothes. Super fun.. P.S. Make sure all your kids are in bed.

4. Don't forget to role play.

5. Keep the adventure alive.

6. Having sex more than 3 times a night hurts.

7. Surprises when you get home are the best.

8. Ladies, keep going until you think you can't take it any longer. I promise you will enjoy what you can't take… It's amazing.

9. Women, you can orgasm from two different areas: Your clitoris and your G-spot.

10. Don't forget to tell your partner what you like and what you don't like.

11. Try new positions, try new things. Super fun-- you never know what you are missing until you try a new position.

12. Remember, practice makes perfect. Make love at least twice a week.

13. FYI , women can make bigger messes than men.

14. Condoms are not just for birth control. They make for a really fast clean up. They are also good in extending the action.

Stella* wrote:

-Surprise your husband by shaving or trimming your pubic hair.

-Have a discussion about his favorite touch points and your favorite touch points. Then try them out!

-If you don't have favorites, find them by touching new spots on your husband-top of inner thigh, place between top of legs (whatever that is called on a man, think the same area called the perineum on women), collarbones, back of neck, head, behind ears, ankles, etc. Find what feels good for both of you.

-Go to bed earlier! How often do we complain that we're just too tied but we really could have gone to bed earlier and lost that excuse.

-Stop using excuses and just do it! I've never heard from anyone that they regretted the act once it got going.

-Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"-very good insights on how to keep your man wanting you.

Sylwia wrote:

The Do's
1. Always remember that sex is all about you (the woman) having an orgasm. Men's bodies are simple and don't require much manipulation or attention to produce an orgasm. Women's bodies are different and complex. This is not a bad thing. By concentrating sex on always pleasing you, the sexual act turns into a way the man shows the woman he truly loves her. Both men and woman love that outcome.

2. Remember that unlike men who have one sexual organ, women have several. The clitoris, the g spot, the breasts, may all need to be manipulated to produce an orgasm. Teach your husband to multi-task and stimulate as many of your sexual parts at the same time as possible, until your orgasm is produced. Never end sex until you've had an orgasm.

3. Practice, practice, practice.

4. Unlike men who may like things rough, women get more excited the more gentle the man is. Make that very clear to your husband. Always remember that sex is all about pleasing you. If you are pleased and satisfied each time, your husband will be more satisfied, and you will desire sex more often. Your sex drive will be as strong as his, and he will like that.

5. It's OK to take your time. You don't have to rush anything.

6. After you have an orgasm, have your husband caress your naked body gently. It's very pleasing and relaxing.

The Don'ts
1. Don't look at pornography with your husband to enhance your sexuality. Pornography leads to addiction which will lead a person to lose the ability to love, be romantic, and to have relationships.

2. Don't take antidepressants. Most people who take antidepressants not only decrease their sex drive, but they also lose the ability to orgasm.

3. Don't engage in anything that feels degrading or not fun for you. Examples include giving men oral sex, or anal sex.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

** The above are just opinions. Take them for what they are.

*** Sorry about the weird colors and fonts. I tried copying from a word document and Blogger apparently objects.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Now I can officially say everything I learned... I still learned from you. I also think you taught my mom a thing or two. I read her excerpts over the phone.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. For once, I agree with everything Sylwia says.

    This is very educational for all the husbands who read this blog. Take notes, guys!!

  5. marianne

    i've been meaning to ask you about your picture. what exactly are you doing in your picture? you look like an exorcist (A conjurer who can raise spirits).

  6. I'm pretty sure she's conjuring and raising spirits. That's how Marianne rolls.

  7. Awee Brandi I didn't learn anything new. UMMM I think the next blog needs to be more advanced.

    I am a little bummed!!! Well I hope this blog helps someone out.

  8. Tina, I don't think Hugh Hefner could teach you anything new.

  9. I was pretty lucky to have a mom that is very willing to talk about sex. A lot of my friends were jealous of that open knowledge, and one even ended up going out to lunch with my mom to have "the talk" before she got married.

  10. Yeah, I agree! We need "everything I know about sex.." part TWO! I'm going X-rated baby! That will teach Tina a thing or two! ;-)

    Seriously, the advice was really good. Let's all have a Pure Romance party that Marianne hosts--that is something I would fly to MD for!

    Was anyone else there for The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands book club meeting at Ft Meade? It was AWESOME!

  11. I'm sorry, but my brain simply cannot put together sex advice and Dr. Laura (who, by the way, is NOT a doctor).

  12. i'm not a fan of "dr." laura either, she is such a hypocrite. did you know the man she is married to now, she met while he was married with dependent children and she had and affair with him. then he divorced and married "dr" laura.

    her books are about sensationalism, but hey, i guess she helps some people, so who am i to complain.

  13. I'm so there Harmony. Hurry and sign up Marianne!

  14. I didn't mean the book club was awesome because of the book--it was the conversation! I remember being blown away by sweet Jennifer Clawson! AWESOME!

  15. Ok, if Jennifer said something that was shocking, i need to hear about it! What did she say? I have a hard time picturing anything risque!
    I agree with Marianne, it's nice to have a friend that you can talk all things with concerning the subject. I learned about popcicles from one such friend.
    There, was that something new that you haven't tried? ;)

  16. Oh. My. Heck.

    A bunch of nice Mormon ladies... who'da thunk it?

    One note for Sylwia: I have suffered from multiple episodes of clinical depression since I was a teenager. While it is true that in my younger years some of those episodes may have been precipitated or prolonged by sin (since I know you think that all people with depression are merely unrepentant sinners), I've been continuously temple worthy for the last 15 years and had several episodes of severe depression in that time. I haven't needed to take medication for every episode, but there have been times when I was so barely functional that medication was the only thing that got me back on my feet. And I can tell you that there's nothing worse for my sex life than being in a deep depression. At least on medication, I'm willing, if not for me, then for my husband. Not every anti-depressant affects every person in the same way, which is why there is more than one. There are some that make me feel better but have intolerable side effects, and there are some that don't have the side effects but don't help my depression. Also, because our bodies and brain chemistry change as we go through life, the medication that works for one episode may not work for the next one. The key is having a doctor who is compassionate and empathetic to this issue, who treats me as an informed, intelligent person rather than an unrepentant hypochondriac, with whom I can communicate without fear of judgement in order to find the medication that works best at that particular time. Merely saying "get out in the sunshine" and "have good sex" is simplistic at best and dangerous at worst. And telling ALL people, regardless of their situation, not to take anti-depressants is reckless and hard-hearted.

  17. Man, I sat all day yesterday trying to come up with tips! These ladies are better sex pots than me. All I could come up with was "missionary's not doing anyone any favors." Try the couch...or heck...anywhere else in your house.

  18. (Sorry that was long and came bursting out on your blog, Brandi. Can you tell it's been on my mind for a LOOOOOONG time?)

  19. Hey, if you can't vent here, where can you?

    In Sylwia's defense, I don't think she believes all depression is the result of sin.

    But I've been known to be wrong. Shocking, I know...

  20. crysta

    i'm curious how you "know" that i think that all depression comes from unrepented sin. i've never said or thought anything of the sort.

  21. besides, crysta, i don't think we've ever even had a deep private conversation. when would you like to come to dinner?

  22. crysta

    i'm really sorry about your depression. i'm not telling anyone not to take pills, i'm just trying to inform them that they have terrible side effects on sex life. at first it was estimated, in 40%, then 60%. and now they estimate that 98% of patients on anti depressants are unable to have an orgasm, especially women. if women knew that maybe they would think twice before asking their doctor for serotonin controlling drugs.

    i have close friends on antidepressants who experience sexual dysfunction and feel really sad about it. it makes them depressed all over again. almost every patient that my husband treats for depression complains about their sex life as well. i find it really sad.

    i come from a family with rampant mental illness. yes, depression, yes anxiety, yes paranoia, and even schizophrenia and suicide. i found other ways to deal with the genes that were passed down to me. so at times, i share it with others.

    i need a fix to feel normal everyday as well. my daily fix includes: prayer, scripture study, eating super healthy food, air, sunshine, talking to women, work, hanging out with my husband;

    gardening (in summer), exercise (when not pregnant with toxemia)

    if i dont do these things every single day, i start going down hill very fast. so i just make sure i do them every single day, and i stay happy and positive.

    i'm sorry my suggestions don't work for you. i wish they did, because they don't have side effects.

  23. Sylwia, if you actually believe that depression is a real issue that isn't always a direct result of sin, then you may want to think back on various conversations you've had with various people here in Georgia on this subject. (I can also think back on a Gospel Doctrine lesson your husband taught where it came across as his "medical opinion" as well...) I can assure you I am not the only person who has been thinking that that was your opinion on the subject. Maybe it's just your tendency towards severe bluntness, or maybe you like to play devil's advocate a bit too much and people get to thinking the side you are taking is really your personal belief. But those conversations get vented about to other friends, because they make people feel hurt, small, defensive and MAD.

    I am glad to hear that you have found a way to beat back depression. I am not there yet. But I have to say that this last comment is so much more helpful than the many previous simplistic comments you have left of the "get some sunshine" and "have good sex" variety. Again, it may well be a difference in communication styles, but I know I'm not the only one who has been offended. Ask Brandi about those 50 emails a day that she mentioned in an earlier post...

  24. crysta

    i've already asked brandi about the emails and we both had a good laugh about them. remember the peanut m&m?

    as for my past conversations in georgia, my friends who i talk frequently talk to have not been hurt or offended, i know becasue i talk to them just about every day.

    any other people probably just overheard me, misunderstood me and don't know me, yourself included. i'm offering to remedy that. when would you like to come for dinner?

  25. Um, no Sylwia, the offended parties are people who were directly involved in a conversation with you or heard you comment in a class, or, like me, read your comments here on Brandi's blog. Again, you may want to consider what you say to those who DON'T know you well, because there are those who don't WANT to know you well because of it. I have been trying hard to keep an open mind, in large part because there are people like Brandi and Tina, who I greatly respect, who are good friends with you. I will consider the dinner invitation, but it's probably best if I cool down first...

  26. Sylwia,

    My oldest daughter and I were being silly just after I bleached my hair blonde. I thought it was cool how my fingers blurred as she took the picture.

    No exorcism. Nothing that exciting happens around here.

  27. I stuck my head in...and now I'm backing out slowly....

  28. hehe, i know what you mean, SDL. I don't know what to say (although i have thoughts!!). I was hoping that Marianne would have said something about some exorcist sex trick to share with all of us to divert the topic onto safer waters!

  29. the last couple of comments were pretty funny!

    i tried to keep this light. brandi even added to the end of her post:

    ** The above are just opinions. Take them for what they are.**

    why crysta had to argue my opinions i dont know, they are after all, just my opinions.

    i try to teach correct principles through what i say, all you ladies always have the responsibility to govern yourselves.

    you don't have to listen to me, really.

  30. brandi

    how come on one else is arguing the other ladies' opinions on sex?

  31. Sylwia,

    Surprisingly, I agree with you more often than not...but I think the rift comes in telling people to stay off anti-depressants...

    You are right on in saying that it diminishes sexual desire, but telling people to stay of anti-depressants... well, it sounds a little like Tom Cruise telling Brooke Shields to exercise and take vitamins to control post-baby depression...

    I have no clue what the sermons your husband taught included, but I doubt he substituted your opinion for a medical opinion in front of his ward. (I'm just sayin'. I really doubt he would do that...and I don't know him..)...but if he did say that depression comes from sin, I can see where the rub comes from. Can't you?

    It's kinda like saying a mother who has a child with disabilities did something wrong that caused the problem.

    There, I'm backing out of the room again... :)

  32. SDL

    you are right, anti depressants are a touchy subject since a large portion of our population can't live without them.

    you are also right that my husband never would say such a thing. his personality is opposite of mine, non confrontational, easy going, not interested in ever telling anyone what to do.

  33. I've got to say, when I first read Sylwia's advice to not take antidepressants (even before I posted it), my first thought was, "Holy Tom Cruise, Sylwia!"

    Anyway, All I can say is this: I do know for a 100% fact that Sylwia has good intentions. I know she is not deliberately trying to offend anyone or say anything maliciously.

    Beyond that, you two will have to work it out.

    We once visited a torture museum in Germany, and one of the things they had displayed was a "neck violin." It was essentially a yoke that would force two people to stand face to face, mere inches apart, for as long as they were forced to wear it. They said it was mainly used on feuding women.

    Don't make me bust out the neck violin, o.k.?

  34. Here's one from the husband peanut gallery:

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

    My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

  35. brandi

    bring out the violin! i have no idea what this is about. it sure is not personal for me.

    i have no ill feelings or misinterpretations of crysta. her son was my favorite student in my sunbeam class. he is obviously well taught and well nurtured, so that makes her a great mother. my husband really likes her husband, he even made him his first counselor in sunday school. i guarantee her husband likes my husband too.

    so i'm puzzled. i have no idea where her misinterpretation of me come from. i'm good friends with half the ward, the other half i don't know. all who know me love me...

  36. Just to clarify my stand, I do not believe that everyone who is depressed needs to repent, and I do not believe that antidepressants should never be prescribed. My comment in gospel doctrine (obviously poorly stated) was intended to convey my belief that sin can cause depression and that for many patients suffering from depression, repentance would work better than prozac.

    Once again, however, I absolutely do not believe that everyone who is depressed just needs to repent or just needs fresh air and sunshine.

    On a more interesting topic, I don't know if this is really the cause, but ever since my wife started having these conversations (about sex, not about antidepresants) with her lady friends, she's been a lot more interested in it (sex, not antidepressants). So keep it up.

  37. I think the use of "lady friends" is quite possibly the funniest thing ever written on this blog.

  38. After 25 plus years as a psych nurse I have to say that different things work for different people. My experience has been that people with true clinical depression do best with a combination of medication and the kind of activites that Sylwia relies on. However, as Poozcrew describes when someone is that low, acts that normally bring pleasure don't and the energy level is so low that just getting out of bed is draining. If only a person could think, "I'm just not going to let this get the best of me." That works if your having a short term time of depression that we all fall into from time to time. Sylwia might be gentically predisposed to mental illness but I truely don't think that she has it. I have known many mentally ill christians from many faiths, including Temple worthy Mormons, who cannot keep their symptoms at bay without medication. It is no different than diabetics who require insulin or cardiac patients requiring heart meds. What ever it takes to maintain homeostasis.
    Also, the number one reason that we no longer need huge mental institutions is because medication has allowed people better control of their symptoms. I have been part of that system and witnessed the transition first hand it has truly been a blessing from God that these medications have been developed.

  39. Brandi, have I reminded you lately how much I love your mom???

  40. Well, I wasn't going to chime in, but since another dude has here goes...

    One person's degradation is another person's orgasm. I do draw the line however. Like I would never expect Crystal to stand on her head and yell "cowabunga" during oral sex...maybe anal.

    I must be serious (for only a moment) and agree that I find it fascinating when men and women find it wrong to give oral, but A-OK to receive. Of course, if you believe that it's just wrong period...well...your a wack job and God hates you.

    The only advise I can give is that communication is key, especially when said communication involves naughty, naughty words from a sweet, sweet mormon chick.

    That said, I am surprised at some of you young ladies...Good Job! (I know you were seeking my approval)

    Also, Brandi I really wanted to fit in the line, "Long time reader, first time poster!" but I'll settle for telling you I love the drama up in here. Your friends are wacky.

    Ugh, I'm at the end of my post and I wasn't able to fit in a penis joke/pun ANYWHERE.

    -Cheyenne (in case my signature pops up bloodandboobs (my blog) and you think you're being trolled by a perv...which I am)

  41. Blake,
    1. First of all, all my tips are my opinions. My husband and I have a great sex life and I share it with others (women) when opportunity arises. In my marriage, sex is about showing love. My husband’s joy is to please me. He is always pleased when I am pleased. When I ask him about his needs, he always says he just wants to make me feel happy and satisfied. That’s what makes him happy and satisfied. We are very good at communicating, and he has told me over and over that the only thing that makes sex better for him is the more I enjoy myself. I thought every man felt that way. But now talking to you, I see that maybe my husband is more selfless and loving than most. But, hey I already knew that…i just didn’t look at it in the sexual perspective.

    2. Jealous of your wife’s orgasm. What can I say to that? Maybe she is jealous that you didn’t have to carry a child for 9 months and go through labor and delivery. Who said life is fair? Where is that written? I think once we step back and take a look, life is fair. I would rather suffer than have those I love suffer. I would rather have those I love enjoy themselves, than I enjoy myself. So maybe you are not getting the raw end of the deal. Maybe one day it will bring you more pleasure to see your wife enjoy herself, than you enjoying yourself.

    3. What I said about oral sex was, if anything feels degrading or not fun for you, don’t do it. I gave a couple of examples that I’ve heard are not pleasant for some women from talking to my friends. Obviously if something feels degrading to you (a man) you shouldn’t do it either. I don’t know many men’s feelings about doing oral sex on women. I don’t talk to men about topics like that. So do whatever you like, just be sensitive, and don’t expect or demand anything from your wife that makes her feel uncomfortable. I’m sure she doesn’t expect things that are uncomfortable for you.

    4. By the way, using words like “jealous” and “offended” is making you sound immature, but I don’t know you, so I may be getting the wrong picture...

  42. Seriously, you are pissing me off Sylwia. I wonder if you do it on purpose, or it's just you.

    You know NOTHING about my husband, our sex life. It infuriates me how you twisted what Blake said--some of us have husbands with opinions. Yours can't even refer to himself as anything but "Sylwia's Husband"--sad.

    (the part about being "offended" about not being asked to be a sexpert on "Everything I need to know about sex I learned from my GIRLFRIENDS!"--a joke. Kind of like that "oh the humanity" quote used earlier. You know, that modern lingo)

    I'm happy your obnoxious attitude gets Brandi's more blog hits, but that's where it ends.

  43. BURN Blake! She got you good!

    However Sylwia-and you may want to sit down for this-you're husband is a liar. Or gay...I won't judge.

    Granted, I didn't read your entire post because I really wanted to play WoW and my ADD was kicking in, but I think you need to step back and look at the big picture - if you're OKAY with your husband's only pleasure being pleasuring you.

    Now, I admit, I love to see my wife reach the "Big O" (that means cum) but I know she feels bad if she doesn't lay still there for 30 seconds after wards so I can have my fun too.

    Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not trying to be mean, I just haven't had my allotment of sunshine today so I'm a little depressed.

    I'm jealous of my wife's orgasm too. I'm also jealous of her computer. Fortunately, she doesn't hold biology against me, and just points out that I have a nicer truck. I didn't realize I was such an ass for not bringing our baby to full term. But that's right, it's ALL about the woman.

    Again, Brandi, your site is AWESOME. You have great comments and your very own trolls. Advertisers should pay for this site!

    I got to go eat some processed foods and get some sleep. I hope I can still get it up in the morning.


  44. Cheyenne--can we high five long distance? Too dorky? Yeah, I get it.

    Don't think I'm not reading this comment to Blake in the morning (you know, when he wakes up after a night of dreaming he could have woman orgasms)

  45. harmony

    i'm sorry to have upset you. that was not my intention. i don't pretend to know anything about you or your husband. i was just answering his comment. maybe next time i should refrain.

    you are right, this is just me, i don't enjoy making people feel sad or mad. and no i don't get the modern lingo. i'm from a different country, you know. i take things literally.

    sorry again to have upset you.

  46. brandi

    i think i'm done replying to people i dont know. they always seem to get so upset. sorry to have upset your friends.

    from now on my comments will only be directed to people whom i know well and who know me. i guess that's what's wrong with chat rooms. this has almost become a chat room. i don't do chat rooms.

    sorry everyone for the hurt feelings. none were intended.

  47. Um, people, I didn't really mean for this to turn into the "let's all bash Sylwia" post. Sylwia stated "don't take anti-depressants" and I wanted her to know that there are some of us who actually need them in order to function. She replied that she was only trying to warn people about the sexual side-effects, and I was trying to let her know that maybe sometimes she should think about whether or not her intent/opinion is stated clearly, because saying "don't take anti-depressants" is NOT the same as saying "be careful with anti-depressants because they can have sexual side-effects." My bad mood yesterday led to a lack of restrant in expressing myself and anger seeped into it.

    Sylwia, I apologize for getting this started. I also apologize for how personal it got. I AM very, very glad that your husband made it clear what he meant by his comment in Gospel Doctrine class, because it wasn't clear when he was teaching and I'm not the only one who thought the same thing. I will also say that this is where my previous comments about trials and struggles came from. I work hard at maintaining an outward appearance of normalcy, so from the outside, it probably appears that my life is perfect. Now you know that it isn't.

    MOM, can I just say thank you for being an experienced voice of reason? I am definitely one of those people who gets soooooo depressed that just getting out of bed becomes a huge task, and no amount of sunshine, prayer or scripture study will lift that cloud. My husband and children also suffer when I get to that point, and it is awful. Once I am properly medicated, all of those things, plus exercise and the company of good friends, help to lift the weight that feels like a sumo wrestler sitting on me, but they won't do it alone. I agree that many times anti-depressants are too readily prescribed, when repentance and/or doing all those good things Sylwia mentioned would be a better place to start. BUT there are many in the LDS community who believe that Mormons should never be depressed enough for medication and if they are, they just need to pray more. I've run into my fair share of them, and I've known LDS women in desperate need of help who haven't gotten it because they were convinced that they just weren't being righteous enough for Heavenly Father to help them. That's where my sensitivity on the topic comes from.

    Brandi, I'm sorry that this turned into a "beat up Sylwia" free-for-all. I'll stay out of it from now on.

  48. not so anonymous guyApril 2, 2009 at 7:39 AM

    "When I ask him about his needs, he always says he just wants to make me feel happy and satisfied. That’s what makes him happy and satisfied."
    ---Of course it makes him happy. But it's not ALL that makes a guy happy. Just part of it. He's just making sure you feel good about things, but it's not entirely true.

  49. crysta

    thanks for your post. I'm not feeling beat up, simply misunderstood. that's OK, that's what happens when people who don't know each other try to hash out dilemmas. i'm no longer willing to comment back and forth with people who don't know me well, because i upset them. i'm not upsetting them intentionally, but i've noticed i'm doing it unintentionally, and that's a good enough reason for me to stop. hurting and upsetting people is not my hobby. actually it's also against my religion...

  50. I don't know if I learned anything new, but it's good to have a candid discussion about sex. I remember the book club, Harmony, and Jennifer Clawson shocking me- but I don't recall exactly what she said.

    I have to agree that communication is the key. Talk about what you find kinky- men love that. Also some sexy lingerie can go a LONG ways. Do something to help you feel good. If you depressed or sad or whatever it's hard to "get in the mood" I find. So once in a while remember your worth as a person- I know sex always make me feel better about myself. LOL!

    And here's my interjection- there's nothing like getting started making love in the shower.

  51. Sylwia, please don't stop expressing your opinions! As I have previously stated I love it that you are so opinionated. Has Brandi ever gotten this many responds to her blog? KEEP IT COMING and don't take offense when people get upset with what you say. You have a way ruffling peoples feathers, yes, even mine sometimes. But, it motivates us to express our thoughts on your comments.

  52. brandi

    i just saw the coolest lost episode ever! did you see it? action, intrigue, mystery, past revealed, twist in the plot, drama. i even cried when kate left aaron behind. i don't think i've ever cried on lost. i'm not a crier anyway, must be the pregnancy hormones.


    Let's not get off subject.



  54. I have been dying all morning to make another comment on here. I have finally gotten to my computer instead of my ipod, so I can 'defend' what sylwia said, and why I agree with it.

    About sex being all about the woman: This is something I touched on with my comments. For my husband, if I am happy, he's happy. That doesn't mean that I just lay there and let him service me. Of course, it's about both of us, but he enjoys it MORE when I have an orgasm (aka. 'cum' LOL, Cheyenne). Men are easy. That doesn't mean that we as women, don't have to put forth any effort. They can get bored just like us. That's why toys and experimentation are so much fun. (I'll let you all know about the Pure Romance biz if I do it {Ha Ha, I said do it!})

    I don't think she meant that oral sex is degrading, but if someone isn't comfortable doing something, they shouldn't do it. HOWEVER, being unwilling to try different things is unfair. It's both people's responsibility to keep things interesting.

    Those are the only two points I have about what she said.

    I think sometimes it's easy to misunderstand someone when you don't know their personality. You have to treat blog comments like a swap meet. Take away what is useful to you, and leave the rest for someone else.

    ... that's all I have to say about that...

  55. Sylwia, I never said you should stop expressing your opinions. I'm pretty opinionated myself, in case no one happened to notice. Just try to be clearer about what your opinion really is, because that's what's causing the confusion and upset. If it's something potentially controversial, you may want to "preview" your comments before posting so that you can read back through and make sure you've said what you really intended to say. I know I get long-winded sometimes, but I prefer to be boring and wordy yet very clear about my stance on an issue, rather than posting simplistic statements that only muddy the waters. Yesterday's bad mood aside (apologizing again - to everyone), I also usually try to put myself in a reader's shoes and consider whether my way of putting things might hurt someone else's feelings. It's not about compromising my own opinion, but about allowing others to have theirs without resorting to "I teach correct principles, but you're free to do what you want."

    To make Chey happy and get back to S-E-X, I'll just admit that my libido has been AWOL for the last 10 years, meds or no meds, and I've never been able to get a doctor to treat it as a serious problem. This IS Thursday morning confessions, right?

  56. Brandi I am impressed! I think you've had more comments for this post than I've had in all of mine combined. Quick recommendations: Position of the Day Playbook. Some great positions in there. And some that are just funny because there's no way they're physically possible. Not pornographic -the people are like cartoon characters.

  57. Sylwia - I would like to say to you that someday life will teach you that there are many ways to approach a situation, that your way is not always right nor best. Perhaps you will fall on hard economic times where you cannot afford to buy only pure foods without additives for your children. Perhaps you will be a single mother, where TV watching, public schools, and free lunches help you to survive. Perhaps you will help a beloved child of yours suffer through a severe mental illness and you will realize that drugs can be a lifesaver. Perhaps you will help a beloved elderly family member through their last days of life while seeing their pain and loss of dignity, and understand that they are scared and want to keep living just as much as the young do. Life has a way of humbling us, and in the process teaching us empathy and compassion. These wonderful qualities of humility, empathy, compassion and growth as a human being come from suffering. We cease to be smug and self-righteous. I speak from experience - I used to sound alot like you. Life allowed me to change- through alot of pain came growth and wisdom. You sound like a kind-hearted person, yes, but still a "babe" when it comes to self growth.

    Brandi, love your blog, thanks for making me laugh and keeping it real.

  58. This comment has been removed by the author.

  59. I also want to say that when Sylwia said to make sex about actually made a light bulb go off.

    I mean, I enjoy sex (when there's time), but most of the time, I'm doing it because HE wants to... "Hurry up and get this over with, so I can fold the mounting laundry" mentality.

    If I concentrate on ME, it will actually make both of us feel better. Cuz, I know he likes it when I get off...and so do I. :)

    That's how I choose to interpret it.

  60. ugh! I am so mad, I took so much time to type a comment. So much time because I was VERY careful what I make sure it was REALLY what I wanted to say:) But, of coarse my dumb internet goes out when I hit send. So here goes attempt #2. I love this topic. I love that I read words like "Cum, oral and anal sex, toys, and experimentation from members of the church. I have found that people tend to "GASP" when words like this are used. I see the look of judgement on their faces. I have to admit that I was once one of these. Mainly because of the way I was raised. I just wish people can get past the mental block and realize that life really isn't as short as they say. And if plain ol' missionary style keeps the sparks going for you?...that's great but not practical for most. If you are in a happy, loving relationship what is wrong with getting the most PLEASURE out of sex? It is a huge plus, in being married. You are actually legal to DO it. It is 100% important that it goes both ways. You need to be open minded and have FUN! Both need to be satisfied and take turns getting the most pleasure out of it. Sadly, I really feel that there are a lot of unsatisfied memebers of the church because they are unable to be open minded about this topic. What's wrong with having a SEX lesson in church? It is a gift from God. I just never see this happening. I love sex and it is a very healthy part of my husband and I's relationship. Ok, those of you who know me are giggling thinking "yeah, we know with ALL your kids you produce". I just wish it wasn't such a naughty topic to discuss because It's so much fun to talk about!:)

  61. I remember that book club. Wasn't it at Jenny's house? I seem to recall Glenn walking in to a bunch of giggling girls.

    I'm glad the guys got in on this one.

    I didn't get a chance to get in on the post but here are my nuggets of sexual wisdom.

    The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is an amazing addition to sex. Never go on vacation without it...don't care how big it is. :) For him and for her and if the kids find's for my lower back massage...

    Phone sex is awesome. Learned a lot about my self and my amazing husband. Things are said that I would never say face to face. IM sex...I think we divulge even more. Yes...sometimes deployments can be beneficial.

    Oh...and that first night back from a deployment...nothing better.

    Just trying to get things back on track.

  62. I think I need to do a follow up post from the men's perspective.

    Any men out there willing to participate? I'll even call you Stella if you want to remain anonymous.

  63. Brandi,

    My husband will participate...

    "Blow Jobs...nuf said"

  64. Sylwia--we're making progress! I cried at LOST last night too. ;-)

    I'm so happy with you ladies for bringing it back to S.E.X (I bet Cheyenne is too!)

    Phone sex is AWESOME! We learned that through deployments too--but naughty notes and IM while your husband is home rules too. Blake and I IM each other while he's downstairs doing homework and I'm upstairs proofing pictures. If you're not a "on the stop" girl, write him dirty notes. It's hot!

    Who knew you girls who so educated on um....lower back massagers! Any more suggestions from the commenters??

    Popsicles too! Just not grape--you know, it stains sheets! ;-)

  65. Sylwia--we're making progress! I cried at LOST last night too. ;-)

    I'm so happy with you ladies for bringing it back to S.E.X (I bet Cheyenne is too!)

    Phone sex is AWESOME! We learned that through deployments too--but naughty notes and IM while your husband is home rules too. Blake and I IM each other while he's downstairs doing homework and I'm upstairs proofing pictures. If you're not a "on the stop" girl, write him dirty notes. It's hot!

    Who knew you girls who so educated on um....lower back massagers! Any more suggestions from the commenters??

    Popsicles too! Just not grape--you know, it stains sheets! ;-)

  66. Brandi, Are you sure your server can handle a male perspective post? HA!

  67. I am laughing because Harmony did comment 69.

    Go figure...

  68. HA! HA! HA! Marianne, I think I love you!

    (did I not mention that in my advice? 69 it up!)

  69. All of you need to SHUT UP about Lost. I haven't had a chance to watch it yet!!

  70. Those are some great tips! I think and easy fun way to mix things up is with all the new KY lubes out there. Some of them are fun! Plus you can get them at wal mart and nobody thinks anything of it. :)

  71. I haven't tried it personally, but a friend of mine has a black light in the bedroom. She swears it makes everything look sexier.

  72. Suuuuure..."a friend"...

    I'm sorry, but all I can picture when I think of a blacklight in a bedroom is CSI. Do you really want to see all your body fluids glowing?

  73. Hehehe...

    Have you ever seen CSI?? A blacklight in the bedroom sounds like a BAD idea.

    Also, Brandi, I've been meaning to ask since I first read your post...was Gushers the best idea for a fake name on a post like this? ewwww

    I look forward to contributing on the guy post. I can't beleive none of you ladies mentioned the "rabbit."

  74. AWEE that is awesome... Okay Black light. How cool is that. Yeah I got a new idea...

    I am with Des. Why on earth can't we have a church talk like this? So many people do not know how much fun sex can be. and God did give it to us to have fun and bond and be one with our Husbands. Or wife for those men who are reading this.
    there is more than the "Missionary Position". They are totally missing out. We can help them...

    I mean hello this is all about what we learned from our friends.

    Harmony I am with you. My husband and I love to IM naughty things while we are just rooms apart. So much fun....

    Pictures and videos are super fun too...

  75. Gushers was the name that particular person requested I use, and it's her nickname because of her comment that women can make a bigger mess than men.

    (Making that whole blacklight thing less and less appealing...)

  76. Can't post my usual post name....cause I just can't...April 2, 2009 at 10:21 PM

    VIDEO so rocks. I was born to be a porn star, apparently. I had such a good time with it!

  77. Cheyenne,

    You should get off here talking about sex and do all these things to your wife to help break her water!! Four days overdue!? Dude, you gotta hit that! At least....that's what I hear. Any excuse for sex is a good one. If I were you, I wouldn't stop until labor is induced!

  78. Oh, and be gentle not to traumatize the baby's head!

  79. brandi

    so you are getting excited that you are getting so many hits because you are talking about sex. it is a known fact that sex gets more hits on the internet than anything else. it's the best way to stay in business. if you want to get even more popular you could add some pictures. (sarcasm)

    you are treading dangerous waters here...

  80. LOL, CJ!

    I personally like (and so does my husband) the Kama Sutra oil of love. It's one of those warming oils. It's great!

    I used to be so embarrassed to do even simple things like buying KY jelly, but then I looked at my finger. Hey, I'm married, what's the shame in it?!

    Men are so simple. (In a good way). Take charge- be the boss. I know that's been said, but never underestimate the great sex that takes place as a result. Oh and you CAN make a sexual reference out of pretty much anything, so that makes talking dirty pretty easy- yep even in front of the kids. Our favorite expression "Oh you are so in trouble". I love to tease.

  81. Lindsey, The kids will eventually connect the little things that you say to each other. By the time that I was about 10 or 11 I knew that when my father put on Aquavelva it was to entice my mother. I also used to hear my mother's gal pals say things like, "Oh, this is going to be an Aquavelva night."
    And Brandi, I know that you are reading this and saying "EWWWW, YUK that's Nanny and Papa that you're talking about." Hey, they were once young and in love just like all of you. Also, I was wondering if when you read the post about doing it in a truck and getting caught by the cops, it put you into PTSD remembering when your step-father and I drove into wilderness of Wyoming for a private moment only to have you and your fiends happen upon us. For any of you who have not been to Wyoming there is alot of wilderness and the chances of this happening are very slim but it happend.

  82. PPS.

    I've been trying to start a fight for the last 2 days with no sucess. What does a guy have to do around here?!

    I am so addicted to this site. The drama is awesome. (So are the suggestions BTW - I'm pretty sure I owe some of you out there a big thank you for the best 3 minutes of my life earlier this afternoon.)

    Really, I can't decide which I look more forward to...logging on to this blog or logging on to my WoW account to see if my Mysterious Egg has hatched! Don't judge!

    Now, as most of you know I have an imminent baby on the way (a product of SEX and my PENIS and a VAGINA and a BATHROOM COUNTERTOP) and...

    ...I really had nowhere to go with that sentence. I just wanted to instigate further.

    I'm Christlike like that.

  83. P.S. I would be totally comfortable with our Bishop reading this blog post and the comments.

  84. brandi

    what i was saying is:

    friends, family, acquaintances, friends of friends who read and comment=good

    people who google "sex" = bad (we don't want their input)

    i thought your 10,000 came from the "bad"

    thanks for clarifying

  85. brandi

    you are right in your last sentence that they probably didn't stay very long. some may also have googled anti depressants.

    i for one, would never google "sex" anything.

  86. I'm still waiting for Tina to teach us something new.

    Come on Tina, enlighten us!

    Oh...totally looking forward to the male edition.

    I wish I was brave enough to post more, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm a perv. Let's just say I have a very happy honey.

    On a side note that has nothing to do with sex...

    Sara, Slavka and I were at Fridays last Tuesday. We know you have new friends now, but we miss you Brandi!

  87. I think I want to marry Cheyenne, Crystal. Don't tell my husband.

  88. Ariella,
    I am "Gushers" in the Post and comments Brandi was referring too. That is the nick name my friends gave me for obvious reasons... But my guess is you didn't learn anything new either right??? but that is okay with me because Jer and I are all about the adventure and trying new things. Just wish we got some new things to try.... But I did really like the black light. I am going to try that...

  89. Probably more like 10,005. I gave up checking after page 60.

    On page 7 you'll find this little gem (don't worry--totally clean, non-porn, even Sylwia safe):

    Page 10 gives you Sue Johannson. Have you ever seen her show? If I could have a dream guest blogger, it would be her.

    There's surprisingly little porn, actually.

  90. Marianne, I already have dibs on Cheyenne. I e-mailed Crystal yesterday and asked if I could take him as a second husband in my reverse-polygamy compound if something should happen to her.

  91. Oh Brandi...I so love that you checked! :)

    Tina- I did learn about popsicles. Thanks Em. You guys have been married a little longer than us. The black light was new, too. Sounds like fun.

    How much do you think it would cost to install a mirror over the bed? hehe You know, one of those that slides in and out of view. Do you think my house would be worth more if we had one? jk I totally wouldn't...or would I...

  92. Brandi,
    I went one further...I googled "sex antidepressants Brandi"

    The best one was about 3 or 4...

    Mormon Mommy Blogs:

    Everyone else,
    Popsicles?? Really? What about the mess? I'd also be afraid of getting a yeast infection...

  93. Or more specifically, this one:

  94. popsicles are super fun. No infections. Umm mess hello we are talking about sex it's always messy (Well in my experience.)We just use towel. Yeah baby!!!! Super fun going from the cold to the warm... Make sure you get the stick popsicles. you know the ones you can buy in bulk and break in two? That's what I like to use. Has anyone else tried a different kind of popsicle?

  95. I forgot to write this earlier--I can't imagine why--not like anything there's anything more interesting to read here. HA!

    A all-around great book is The Guide To Getting It. Here's the link:

    NOT written by a Morom author but really lighthearted (doesn't have any photos--just illustrations) It was one of our books for my human sexuality class in college.

    Love it!

  96. Actually, i wouldn't really try the popcicles, Ariella....unless you like ice cold on a very sensitive spot....on another note, once the kids are out of the house...stripper pole going up at the foot of our bed.

  97. One other thing i want to know...after talking about this, how many of you (us) went and got frisky with your (our) hubbys? Mine is having a good week.

  98. CJ--

    You're welcome, apparently.

  99. LOL Mine totally did. yeah it's been a good week.... Wink Wink!!!

  100. I'd like to add something to this conversation, but...I've got "better" things to "do" right now!!

  101. Hey Sylwia,
    Some women like it rough sometimes. Gentle isn't always better.

  102. This comment has been removed by the author.


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