Friday, February 20, 2009

Mail Call

Dear Idiot in the Jeep with the Broken Door,

If you cannot go faster than 35 MPH on I-20, and no one is able to pass you because YOUR DRIVER'S SIDE DOOR KEEPS FLYING OPEN (!!), you need to find an alternate route.

~Brandi, who took 45 minutes to make a 20 minute drive because of you.


Dear Demons who are Possessing Liam and Amelia,

Please find some other children to inhabit. I can't afford an exorcist, and I'm starting to sympathize with those parents who are in prison for chaining their kids in a closet for 10 years.

~Brandi, who has a migraine.


Dear Eve,

Thanks for the menstrual cramps. Way to go. I hope that fruit was at least dipped in caramel and chocolate and rolled in nuts.

~Brandi, who is bloated.


Dear Georgia Drivers,

Unless you are turning left on a green arrow, the person turning right has the right of way. Also, that little lever on the left of the steering wheel? That's a blinker. Say it with me: biiiiiiink-errrrr.

~Brandi, who doesn't want to die.


Dear Kroger Lady,

While I appreciate your kindness, please stop giving Amelia big, shiny, helium balloons. And especially don't contradict me in front of my daughter when I say "no thank you" when they are offered. Unless, of course, you plan to start giving me three free balloons so as to avoid a sibling brawl at home.

~Brandi, who could not see out the rear window driving home because a helium filled Tweety Bird was blocking the view.


Dear Augusta Dodge,

If you do not fix our brakes correctly and with working parts this time, I may lawyer up. Three tries to get it right since Thanksgiving is ridiculous. Also, these are BRAKES! Broken ones suck.

~Brandi, who likes to be able to stop.

P.S. Gerald Jones Subaru, you're next. 6 days to fix the A/C because you keep ordering the wrong part? Do not count on repeat business from us.


Dear Blog Friends,

You see my Ad Revenue Boobie Fund Counter up there to the right? Have you noticed it hasn't gone up in three days? I can't legally tell you how to change that, but you're all smart people. You can figure it out. Clickety click click.

~Brandi, who is now an A cup and shrinking by the minute.


  1. sorry you are having a bad day...i'm having one too, everyday is a bad day for the next 6 months. but then again, we could escape to ikea again...

    as for you fund, you need some better ads and testimonials of the products you are selling. who wants the gerber life plan???

  2. I feel the same way about balloons. I always refuse them. Even IF all of the kids get them, they still fight. Why? Because inevitably, someone pops someone else's balloon, and then they fight.

    Although, you could just refuse to take the balloon out of the store and tell the lady not to give your child something you said ' no' to.

  3. Sylwia--

    I have no control over the ads.
    I'm not famous enough to get REAL sponsors where I can pick and choose.


    I know, I know. I should just keep telling the woman no and not allowing Amelia to take it. But then I have to endure the screaming all the way home, and let me tell you, Amelia has a set of lungs on her. She makes sounds I'm sure only dogs and roaches can hear.

  4. I had to go back to EAMC for the second time this week and Gate 1 was backed up all the way to Gordon Hwy because they had a lane closed. I guess it's a bad day all around.

    Hope yours improves...

  5. Any day involving EAMC is a bad day...


Be nice or I'll punch you in the taco.