Friday, February 26, 2010

I guess the stalagtits are staying.

This picture was featured on Craftastrophe yesterday, and all I could think when I saw it was, "Where did they get that picture of me?"


Looks like the boob job just isn't going to happen his year.

I saw my surgeon Wednesday (well, not my surgeon, but a surgeon. He was kind of a scrotum-face, but more on that later) and he told me that the current policy of the military health insurance is that it will pay for a panniculectomy, but not a full tummy tuck. A panniculectomy is where they just lop off the hanging skin and stitch you up. I'd still have split abdominal muscles, I'd still have saggy skin on the upper part of my abdomen and best of all, I'd have no belly button.

Since I'd like to not look like a circus freak for the rest of my life (I could totally join a side show and call myself Eve, because as all good Christians know, Adam and Eve didn't have belly buttons), I'm going to have to pay for the difference between a panniculectomy and a tummy tuck...which is just about every penny I've got put aside for boobs.

So, bye-bye ta-tas.


In addition to breaking this news to me, he informed me that I need to lose at least 20 more pounds (I was thinking more like 10), was horrified at the sight of my pannus ("Wow. That looks really awful. You're definitely going to want to pay for the full tuck."), and told me that according to an app on his iPhone, I should cut my calorie intake down to 800-900 calories a day. Because, you know, screw medical school and what the registered dietitian says. There's an app for patient care! Oh, and when I had him check out what I thought might be a hernia, he said, "Dude, it doesn't feel like a hernia, but dude, that's a big lump*." Apparently Ashton Kutcher is now a surgical resident for the Army.

So, yeah. A total scrotum-face that apparently has very little experience with bariatric patients (because as a doctor, you never point out that a bariatric patient looks like a saggy freak--we have enough body image issues as it is).

And I don't even have the comfort of getting new boobs.

*Dude, I'm, like, getting an ultrasound in 3 weeks to, like, find out what the huge lump is. Dude.

Oh, and that Adam and Eve comment was sarcastic. The e-mails about it can stop now.

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