Happy Thanksgiving Eve, internets! I hope your Thanksgiving is full of gluttony and sloth and whatever other deadly sins you choose to participate in.
To mark the occasion, I feel obligated to make a list of all the things I'm thankful for.
- I am thankful for public school, where my kids get to be someone else's problem for seven hours a day.
- I am thankful for celebrities who get fat because it makes me feel slightly less bad about my own body.
- I am thankful for bacon.
- I am thankful for Adam Levine.
Yummy.- I am thankful for cats who fall in the toilet regularly, because really, how can you have a bad day after you just watched a cat fall in the toilet and freak out?
- I am thankful for Tim Gunn, without whom my Friday nights would have been far more sad and lonely than they already are.
- I am thankful for Netflix, because it keeps my kids occupied during the hours they're not at school.
- I am thankful for super secret groups on Facebook.
- I am thankful for bacon. I know I've already said it, but that's just how thankful I am for its existence. And that I'm not a kosher Jew. Because if I had to choose between bacon and eternal salvation, I'd pretty much choose bacon every time.
- I am thankful for texting and e-mail and facebook and chat and any other technological advance that allows me to not have to interact with people face to face.
- I am thankful for hand sanitizer and bleach and antibacterial soap, because people are pretty disgusting.
- And most of all I'm thankful for the internet. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I wouldn't have any friends without it.
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Be nice or I'll punch you in the taco.