Guest Post: She's not an insurgent, but she can probably milk a cow. Or goat. Or something.

Annie from Hard Labor Is Seriously Ruining My Manicure submitted this after she saw my request for guest posts. Sure, it borders on blog-whoring rather than being an actual guest post. However, I do think she's funny, and I do like her blog, and frankly, I admire the cajones it takes to shamelessly get out there and plug one's own blog. Also, she said lots of nice things about me, and clearly flattery will get you everywhere. So, enjoy!

Dear Douglass Diary followers,

I am not an Al-Qaeda insurgent. Just so you know.

I am, however, a fellow member of The League of Funny Bitches which actually may be more dangerous. Because we might make you laugh to death.

I discovered Brandi through The League and I sort of fell in love with her blog and begged her to let me guest post some day. She put me through a fairly rigorous background check and physical fitness regimen before finally giving me the ok.

I was trying to figure out a way to shamelessly whore out my own blog while seamlessly tying it to Douglass Diaries when it became clear. Not only do Brandi and I both suffer from massive crotch massacres (I’m literally bleeding into an Ultraplus OB right now!) we have both been victims of people hating us while we were simply trying to get in shape.

While Brandi’s infamous incident at the Y pool was certainly more bizarre and misogynist than my own, I too have had my bouts with some nasty folks while working out. You can read about it here in all its ugliness: BITCHES AT THE GYM.

Looking back, I see that I was very angry when I wrote that post and sound sort of mean. I’m not, I just don’t like being ostracized by gym hos. Plus, I’m very sensitive and I don’t like it when people gang up on me.

Ok back to the bleeding. To all you fellow menstruators out there, I’d like to introduce you to the cutest tampons I’ve ever seen: CZECH IT OUT.

They are not super absorbent, nor are they really absorbent at all, but I was in Eastern Europe when I unexpectedly got a visit from the monthly crime scene in my pants and they didn’t have any other tampons for sale at the bodega or whatever they call it in Czech. Those little guys are undeniably cute even if you have to change them every two minutes (although I don’t know if red was the best choice for the flower color).

Well that’s all folks. I hope you can come by and enjoy my blog from time to time. It’s not as awesome as this one, but it’s funny sometimes (I think) and it has a fun fish out of water theme. Who doesn’t love that? Themes rule. Fish rule.

Yours, Citygirl Farmhand

http://hardlaborsucks.com

What is this? The Bachelor?

I went into Amelia's room yesterday and discovered this.




Apparently she's chosen to deal with her feelings by making Will the pimp of the Barbie Dream House.

That whore Ariel better watch her step, or she's going to find herself battered and fried with a side of fries.

The best bad day ever.

So now that he's gone, it's O.K. for me to tell you (and the terrorists) that Will left last night. When I heard from him this afternoon he was in Ireland waiting for the plane to be refueled.

I really expected today to suck. I fully intended to stay in my pajamas all day, watch Battlestar Galactica, cry and maybe eat some sugar free brownies.

But when I woke up, it wasn't so bad. I exercised, I showered, I actually got dressed in something other than yoga pants, I didn't cry much, and when I checked my e-mail I had a message from Emily Friedman, who is a reporter for ABCNews.com.

It turns out that Ms. Friedman saw my post about the Great OB Tampon Shortage of 2011. She herself is writing an article about that very topic and wanted to interview me for it.

Let me repeat: A reporter, from a legitimate and esteemed news organization, wanted to interview me. About my tampons.

Well hell yes, I'll do your interview!

So, she called me. And talked to me about my tampons.

She was very professional, and she did a great job, but it was really hard to answer questions about what emotions I felt when I discovered my beloved OBs were nowhere to be found with a straight face. I suspect that it was just as hard for her to ask them while remaining professional. At one point I believe I said that I felt "panicked", because "I don't want to walk around bleeding all over the place." Yes, internets. I really said that in an interview for an article that will be seen by possibly a million people.

And as she finished up the interview she mentioned that my blog would be named, quoted and linked in the article.

Sweet baby Brangelina in a manger, my blog is going to be posted on ABCNews dot freaking com.

I always wanted to be famous. I never imagined it would be because I couldn't find my tampons.

I'm trying not to let it go to my head, but when I was at the grocery store today a woman cut me off in the parking lot. I really wanted to get all up in her face and ask her, "Do you know who I am?"

So, anyway, today didn't suck.

And the icing on the cake? I logged on to find that someone had sent me this little gem. Not only did it make my day, but it made my kids' day as well.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Maybe this year won't be so bad after all.

*Update*
Dammit. I got cut!! I didn't make it into the article. I take it all back. Today sucks. Click HERE for the article. Ms. Friedman, don't screw with me like that!

Just in case they really DO read my blog.

(So, internets, Will is leaving really soon. I can't say exactly when because as we all know, the terrorists read my blog and they might use the information against us. Lets just say we're down to counting hours. Anyway, I don't know if you've ever felt like you were suppressing a complete and total emotional breakdown 24/7, but that's kind of what it's like here right now. So, I probably won't be posting for a bit.
As always, if any of you would like to guest post, send it to me at the address over there--->.)

Dear Al-Qaeda Insurgents,

First, thanks for stopping by the blog! Welcome! Take a few minutes to look around and read some old posts. Just maybe avoid that one about the YMCA pool. It might upset you and I don't need my minivan blown up in parking lot of Wal-Mart.

Anyway, the main reason I'm writing is because pretty soon my husband will be visiting your lovely country, and I was wondering if maybe you could not kill him? I know that technically he's going there to help people obliterate you from the face of the Earth, but it's nothing personal. Honestly. We just needed the health care coverage. He's just the guy keeping the communication systems working. You know, "don't kill the messenger" and all that.

As an added incentive, upon his safe return in one year I will send you a basket of homemade mini muffins. I mean, who can resist a muffin basket? They're really good. Lemon-poppy seed is my specialty. Poppy seeds are a big thing in your country! See? I totally embrace your culture. Well, minus the whole wiping your butt with your hand thing. I'm not down with that. But you know, baby steps.

So, anyway, if you could maybe lay off the rockets, improvised explosive devices and suicide bombers for the next year, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks a bunch!

~Brandi

730 days ago

This was me.


Over the course of two years I've lost 155 pounds, had pounds and pounds of hanging skin removed from my abdomen, and then gained 17 pounds back.

I've gone from needing cholesterol medication, two blood pressure medications and an obscene amount of insulin daily to needing nothing. Nothing. Just my vitamins.

I've gone from being a professional couch potato to someone who genuinely enjoys exercise.

I used to be The Dorito Queen. Now, I haven't eaten them in years. (But we're not going to discuss jalapeno chips, O.K.?)

But most importantly, I kind of like my body now. It's far from perfect. I'll never wear a bikini. I'll be saggy and I'll have scars for the rest of my life. But I'm O.K. with that now. And I think that that's the biggest success of these two years.

If my uterus had a face, it would be a frowny face.

Warning: I am about to talk about my period. And tampons. And other things used to deal with the flow of menstrual blood. And I possibly might even mention vaginas. And conspiracy theories about tampons and/or vaginas and/or Johnson & Johnson. If you don't want to read about these things, or if reading the phrase "menstrual blood" has already made you uncomfortable, you should probably leave now.

So, I have mentioned before that I have horrible, horrible periods (I believe I've described them as "crotch massacres"). My whole reproductive tract is like a carnival freak show. Years of infertility, eight pound, bowling ball sized ovarian cysts, endometriosis all over the place, three incidences of biopsies because they thought I had cancer...It's just a mess up in there.

But really, the worst are my periods. Two days a month I can't even leave the house. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being melodramatic. The bleeding is so heavy I cannot go anywhere or do anything other than sit as still as possible so as not to bleed all over everything. And then for five to seven days after that, it's still pretty bad, but at least I can function.

So I, and people like me, try to find ways to deal with it. And I had finally found something that worked. About eight years ago, OB started making Ultraplus absorbency tampons. These suckers were the highest absorbency tampon you could buy. They claimed to hold, like, a gallon of blood before they started leaking. And for the most part they did. Between those and enormous, overnight length incontinence pads, I was able to get through the two worst days a month with minimal spillage from my hemorrhaging lady bits.

But then they started to get hard to find. And in November when we were vacationing in Hillbilly Country and my uterus decided to ruin the trip, I searched numerous stores and pharmacies and couldn't find them anywhere. I couldn't find them when we got home, either.

Turns out that they discontinued that absorbency level. Forever. For a while there if you went to OB's website and clicked on the Ultraplus tampons, you got taken to a page that tells you to see a doctor because you probably have cancer and need a hysterectomy. Terrific.

And then last month I couldn't find any OB tampons of any absorbency level. Anywhere. I finally found some Superplus absorbency ones and bought several boxes.

I didn't think anything of it until last night. Tex mentioned on her blog that she couldn't find OB anywhere either, and she's several states away.

And that's when we both did a little Googling and discovered the Johnson & Johnson conspiracy. You see, apparently Johnson & Johnson, the maker of OB Tampons, hates vaginas. Babies? They love them. Vaginas? Not so much. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain the "supply interruption" they are blaming for the shortage. I mean really, they're cotton and string. Are we now out of cotton and string?

I know right about now some of you are wondering why I don't just buy a different brand and quit whining. I'll tell you why, and you'll probably be sorry you asked when I'm done.

The unique thing about OB is that they have no applicator. (If you don't know what a tampon applicator is you are probably either male or too young to be reading my blog). I have tried tampons with applicators and I cannot use them. They don't go where they're supposed to go. They fall out. I'm sure it's just another facet to my reproductive side show, but whatever the reason, I just can't use them.

Anyway, I posted my discovery of The Great OB Tampon Shortage of 2011 on Facebook this morning, which has resulted in an impromptu OB black market covering 2 continents and multiple states. Tex just spent her kids' college funds buying what her Rite-Aid had left in stock. So, if you need OBs, I have connections. Let me know. But it will cost you. (You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Two boxes of the discontinued Ultraplus variety are going for $100 on Ebay, and that's just the starting bid. And someone will buy them. I watched two boxes go for $142.00 last night. Vaginas are serious business.)

Funnily, just recently I had three different friends e-mail me about Diva Menstrual Cups (as one told me, I'm the only one who talks about periods so maybe I could spread the word). I have avoided them because taking them out seems so...incredibly messy. But maybe Johnson & Johnson's hatred of our bleeding uteri is going to force me to give them a try.

(And for the record it's not just me who is in a panic over the lack of OB tampons. Read this.)

Send help.

The Army threw up all over my living room.

And all over my husband.