Monday, July 26, 2010

Skank Country

So, my first few days at Fort Campbell gave me an inkling that life here would be different than at any Army post we've been assigned to previously. There's the constant presence of helicopters in the air. There was my shock and panic at seeing an entire center devoted to dealing with war widows/widowers (the shock wasn't so much that the center existed, but that there was a need for it to exist). There's the fact that this division is so hooah* that not one but two war movies have been made about units from here (Band of Brothers and Blackhawk Down).

But the biggest clue that I was no longer in Kansas anymore (Errrr...I mean Georgia. Or Maryland. Or Germany) is that the level of skankocity around here is off the scale. The ole skank-o-meter is in the red zone. It's skankalicious. The skanktitude is astounding. I bet if they were Mormon they would bear their skanktimonies. In November they prepare a feast to celebrate Skanksgiving. I'm pretty sure the official song for Fort Campbell is Skanky Doodle Dandy.

O.K., I'll stop now.

What I'm trying to say is that, well...there are a lot of skanky women around here.
Yeah, yeah. I'm getting all judge-y, I know.

But if I can see that you went with the Brazillian wax this week just by walking past you in the cereal aisle at the commissary, you might be a skank.

If I'm behind you in line at the PX and overhear you lamenting to your friend that you're three months pregnant but your husband has been deployed for six months, you might be a skank.

If you have a tattoo of a vagina with wings on the back of your neck, you might be a skank.

If you put your child on a leash and tie it to a tree so you can enjoy your beer and cigarette in peace, you might be a skank.

If it's 10:00 at night, and you have your toddler with you in a cigarette smoke filled gas station while you drink and play electronic poker, you might be a skank. Add to it the fact that there is a woman walking around topless shaking her boobs in clear view of your toddler and you might be an even bigger skank. (Don't ask how I know this. Just trust me when I say not to walk into what appears to be a gas station convenience store on the Kentucky side of the border at night).


I'm not sure what imbalance in the universe has drawn so many skanks to this corner of the world (although I have a theory, which I'll share when I figure out a way to not sound like a stuck up, condescending butthole when I tell it), but it should make for some interesting stories over the next few years.

* Definitions of Hooah for you non-military types: 1) Heard, understood, acknowledged. 2) I don't know what you said but I want you to think I was paying attention. 3) Yes. 4) I disagree but I'll do it anyway. 5) I want you to think I care. 6) I want to show you I can act motivated. 7) Hardcore, tough.

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