Friday, May 11, 2012

What do you get when you combine Mother's Day with Military Spouse Appreciation Day?

So, I had a gynecology appointment today. (Wait, don't leave!  I'm not going to describe it. Much.)

Anyway, it's left me with vaginas on the brain (which kind of sounds like a horrible medical condition).  Also?  It's left me thinking that people with certain names need to be more choosy with their chosen career path.  My gynecologist at the Army hospital today was named Captain Dickman.  I really wanted to get a picture of his name tape as proof, but as a wise friend pointed out as I texted her from the exam room, he might get the wrong idea if I started snapping pictures while he was elbow deep in my nethers. (And to clarify, I was not texting during the exam.  You guys are twisted.)

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah. Vaginas.

I've previously made my feelings known about the scourge to society known as The Knitted Cowl.  In short, there is no way to wear one without looking like your head is sticking out of a vagina.   There just isn't.

Don't see it?                                     Here, let me help you.

I don't care how well made they are, how amazing the yarn is or how vibrant the color. A yarn vagina is a yarn vagina.

Knowing how I feel about The Dreaded Knitted Cowl, my friend Vivian decided that I'd be the perfect person to give one away. We originally talked about a raffle--she'd really like the proceeds to benefit The Fisher House, which is like The Ronald McDonald House, but for the military.  They're found on many military installations where major medical facilities are located.

But then I took a writing hiatus, lost a lot of readers, and the chances of making more than ten bucks became pretty slim.

So here's the deal: 

You send me your best yarn vagina pictures (NOT pictures you find on the internet!).   I'll choose my favorite.  That person will receive a lovely blue yarn vagina made by Vivian, AND I'll donate all my ad revenue for the months of May and June to Fisher House. In YOUR name.
The lovely yarn vagina up for grabs.

So, what sort of pictures am I talking about?  That's really up to you.  It can simply be you or a friend modeling a knitted cowl: 

Why yes, that's me Vanna White-ing a knitted cowl in the bathroom mirror. 

OR you can get more creative:

Make it a family affair and involve your kids!  After all, they wouldn't exist without your vagina.
Even better, get your mom to re-enact her own journey out of the birth canal!  Happy Mother's Day!!

"But Brandi," I hear you say, "What if I don't have a yarn vagina?"  Get creative!  Use a scarf.  A towel.  Whatever.   It's the thought that counts.  Also?  Give yourself a great big pat on the back for not owning one.

The rules:  I'll accept entries until 9 pm Eastern time on Friday, May 18th Saturday, June 30th.  You don't have to be in the picture, but the picture must belong to you. The person in the picture has to agree to let me post it here.  I can blur the face if they'd like. Email submissions to with something in the subject line letting me know what it is.

Now go!  Get snapping pictures! I want to see your vaginas! know what I mean.

(At this point I'm pretty sure that this post is probably the top result if you Google vagina.)

UPDATE:  I've extended the contest through June 30th!

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