Friday, October 26, 2012

So, You Finally Have Hair on Your Junk: A Guide for Teens and Parents

So, you finally have hair on your junk. Congratulations!  Now that you've finally reached the Hair Down There stage of puberty, you may have some questions and concerns.  This pamphlet aims to address your questions and help you move forward through adolescence with confidence and ease.

Why do I have Hair Down There anyway?

Anthropologists believe that we humans developed our bushy, wiry, pubic, armpit, and (for males and a few very unlucky females) chest hair to act as a sort of brightly flashing sign, blinking out the message "I have reached maturity!  Let the mating begin!"  In addition to being a visual sign of reproductive maturity, your special hair also acts as an odor trap.  A virtual hormonal stink bomb.  Before the days of Justin Bieber perfume, humans attracted mates via the irresistible aroma of crotch and pit stink.  Ah, the good old days.

So...What do I do with it now that I have it?

Right now your special hair is all very new (and probably very sparse).  There's probably not a lot that you need to do with it.  You just keep doing what you're doing:  Admiring it in the mirror and thinking, "That's right, bitches.  I'm officially knee deep in puberty.  Take out the garbage?  You take out the garbage.  I have pubic hair now. You can't tell me what to do." In a year or two your private area will probably start to look a reject from The Muppets.  When that happens, you'll probably want to start doing a little care and maintenance. 

Care and maintenance?  What do you mean?

Just like the hair on your head, the hair on your junk occasionally needs some grooming to be at its best.  Chances are your parents were raised in the 1970's.  They're part of the final generation of au naturale personal grooming.  In other words, they're probably not going to be of much help to you in this area unless they happen to spend a lot of time on the internet reading smut.  You're quite literally going to have to take matters into your own hands.  Invest in a good razor, some small grooming scissors, and spend some quality time with Google. 

Are there any rules of pubic hair etiquette I should keep in mind?

I'm so glad you asked!  Yes there are.   First, if you're going to wear a swimsuit, be sure to follow the grooming tips listed in the previous section.  You don't want to look like you're smuggling a hedgehog in your Speedo.  That just makes everyone uncomfortable.  Second, always be actively aware of stray hairs that have gone rogue.  No one wants to find a pubic hair on the soap, not even one of their own.  And when your mother cleans your bathroom, she does not want to be confronted with hard evidence of your hormonal maturity on the floor and the toilet seat and stuck to the bottom of her sock. 

Anything else?

Just relax and enjoy this period of your adolescence.  It's a magical time.  Remember that your junk hair will be with you for the rest of your life, like a close friend, or the twin you absorbed in utero that's now just a small lump of undeveloped teeth and hair on your back. If you take care of it, it will always take care of you.

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