Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Livin' Lanisha Loca

So, the woman who used to have my phone number is apparently a real winner. I'm always getting collection calls for her. And the texts! You guys, some of the texts I've gotten for her make me blush, and that's saying something.

I finally got fed up with up with it, so I just started pretending to be her when it happened. Not so much with the collection agents (Although when the water company called to tell her she was past due last week, I told them to go ahead and cut the water off. Oopsie!), but I've started replying to all the texts I get for her.

And you know I'm going to share them with you.

I've written them out for you verbatim, however I did censor the worst of the language.
You're welcome.

In bold are the texts I sent in response. I'm kind of sad I didn't think of this when it first started. I could have been doing this since May!


July 29th, 2:37 am:
hey baby i just got inna town. wanna hook up? i missd yor fine ass.

I TOTALLY want to hook up. But this time just you and me, O.K.? I know you liked having that fat guy spread butterscotch pudding all over you, but I found it kind of weird, especially when you kept calling him mommy.

August 2nd, 1:14 am:
Lanisha girl! Where you at? We waitin on you.

Sorry! I had to have some hemorrhoids removed today, and I'm just wiped out. I totally fell asleep! I'll be there soon.

August 4th, 12:22 am
Yo baby. I'm at Deondre's place. I need a f***.

I'm really busy playing Scrabble with my grandma right now, but I bet Deondre will be happy to help you. He told me last week that he thinks you're totally hot.

August 10th, 11:54 pm:
going to be in clarksville this weekend. want to get dinner? my treat. wear those red high heels i like. they make me hot.

Can we go to Red Lobster? I LOVE Red Lobster. I can't wear the red shoes, though. I had a raging case of foot fungus so I had to get rid of them. Sorry! BTW, the clinic said my Chlamydia is FINALLY all cleared up. YAY!

August 18, 1:02 pm:
baby i need u to come rub your t***ies in my face. ill be home @ 6.

Sorry, didn't anyone tell you? I'm Lance now. I had gender reassignment surgery. I had my t***ies removed last month. On the bright side, I now have a penis! I can come rub that in your face if you like. Call me!

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