Monday, January 31, 2011

It's a disease, and I've passed it on.

So, I've apparently spawned the next generation of infomercial addicts.

And it really is an addiction. It starts out small. Maybe you buy a set of Ginsu knives. They're useful. They're quality products. And then maybe you get a Sham-wow, because who hasn't needed to soak up 5 gallons of bodily fluid from the carpet at one time or another? And the next thing you know you're wearing nothing but a Snuggie, blending margaritas in your Magic Bullet and snorting OxyClean off Billy Mays' corpse with Ron Popeil.

Anyway, Liam and Amelia seem to have fallen prey to the sweet, sweet siren song of infomercials.

Except we don't have cable. The only TV they see is from Netflix and whatever channels we can pick up on digital rabbit ears. One of those channels is Qubo. Normally, I love Qubo. There's not a single show on there that is remotely questionable. However, they don't have regular commercials. They have mini-infomercials.

First, it was Pillow Pets. It got to the point that I had to ban the Pillow Pets song from our house. If I was forced to hear, "It's a pillow! It's a pet! It's a pillow pet!" one more time, someone was going to die. (And I know it's now playing in a never ending loop in your brain. YOU'RE WELCOME.) And don't you dare refer to the closure as velcro around my kids. You'll call it a "hook and loop strap" or they'll cut you.

More recently, however, it has been LifeLock. First of all, I'm not even sure why they need to advertise an identity protection program during The Magic School Bus. I mean, is Miss Frizzle using my debit card for bus gas and wacky shoes? But anyway, that's been the commercial in heavy rotation lately. At first Liam and Amelia were simply concerned. They didn't want me to lose our house! And my good name! You! Must! Get! LifeLock! But they finally got the hint that I wasn't buying it.

Now they play LifeLock.

Last night I overheard them playing, and here's how it went down.

Amelia: Oh no! My identity has been stolen!

Liam (in his Superman costume, of course): Ma'am, that was pretty stupid not to buy LifeLock. Did you know that for every car that gets stolen, eleven people get their identities stolen? You wouldn't leave your car unlocked. Why would you leave your life unlocked?

Amelia: (Pretend sobbing.) Can you help me?

Liam: Yes! LifeLock works 'round the clock to protect you. Other credit monitoring systems don't tell you until weeks after your identity has been compromised, but at LifeLock we can stop it before it happens.

Amelia: But what if someone steals it anyway?

Liam: Well, LifeLock gives you a ONE MILLION DOLLAR guarantee to work to resolve any identity theft that may occur under our watch.

Amelia: Oh thank you, LifeLock, for protecting my good name and my family's future!

So not only are they infomercial-obsessed, they have taken it to a creepy new level.

If they start yelling, "Billy Mays here!" while dumping ink on their white shirts, I may have to stage an intervention.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Be nice or I'll punch you in the taco.