Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Every gym has its freaks.

Just like at regular theaters, the pervs hang out in the back row.

So, I finally joined a gym a few weeks ago.

When we first moved here, I went to one of the free gyms on the military post. The gym was nice, but it was a long drive and I found myself making excuses not to go.

"I can't go to the gym today. Who will take care of these jalapeno chips if I'm gone? I have a responsibility to their spicy goodness!"

Then I found a sweet treadmill for $70 at a yard sale. I set it up in the garage, and with my weights and stability ball, I had myself a little home gym. Which was great until it got hot. Ninety degrees in a garage in the South is highly unpleasant. I lost my motivation to exercise when I was drenched in sweat before I even started. Also, the family room is directly above the garage, and even with the roar of the treadmill and ear buds in my ears, all I could hear was my kids screaming and jumping like they were holding a rave up there.

So I joined a gym. Air conditioning, pools, TVs, and a kids' program to keep them occupied for a couple of hours a day all summer.

I've been kind of disappointed because everyone has been normal. Half the fun of my two years at the Y in Georgia was the daily freak show that took place there. I miss the crazy parade.

But last week I finally discovered the freaks at my new gym.

One of the fun things about this new gym is a cardio theater. It's just like a regular movie theater, but instead of stadium seating, it has stadium cardio machines. It's where I do the majority of my cardio. Not because of the movies--those are just a bonus. I love it because I can exercise in the dark.

I can wiggle and jiggle and sweat and mouth-breathe all I want and no one can see me!

But I discovered there are some others at the gym who also enjoy having a dark room at their disposal.

On Friday I had to go all the way to the top row to find an empty machine. I usually never go further than the second row.

Apparently that's where all the freaks have been.

The woman next to me had stripped down to her bra and panties to run on the treadmill. I realize that it's a gym and women are in booty shorts and sports bras all the time. That's not what this was. Her bra was most definitely not a sports bra, and her panties were high waisted Hanes straight out of the 6 pack from Wal-Mart. And there was some serious butt crack sweat going on.

And at the end of the row was a couple was on a stationary bike. A couple. As in two people. On one bike. And they were very...happy. Have you ever seen Like Water for Chocolate? You know that scene where they're on the horse? Yeah. It was kind of like that.

That's not the kind of crazy I enjoy at the gym. All that does is make me even more vigilant about wiping down machines before I use them.

It kind of makes me long for the days of getting screamed at in the pool.

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