Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Things that make me stabby for $200, Alex.

1. The Department of Motor Vehicles. I had to spend three hours waiting to get my Tennessee license last week. I understand that there's a lot of tedious paper work involved, and they're understaffed. But I'm thinking that things would go a lot faster if A) Five of you didn't stop what you were doing to go stand around and shrug your shoulders and be all, "Beats me. I dunno what's wrong," when someone's computer screen freezes up. And B) If the picture lady stopped taking pictures of all the kids who tagged along with their parents. I get that you're just being friendly, but you're quadrupling the wait time. Also? The whole reason I had to waste a day at the Tennessee DMV was because some genius at the Utah DMV has decided that she knows more than my doctor. I've had to submit paperwork yearly stating that my diabetes doesn't make me a danger to others. My doctor has now sent them two certified letters stating that I'm not diabetic and the yearly paperwork is unnecessary. The response from the DMV lady? "Diabetes can't be cured. Submit the paperwork or your license will be suspended." Bite me DMV, lady.

2. Spam texts. I get all excited thinking I have a text from a friend (Umm, yes. I am that lonely that the thought of a text gets me excited), and then I open it just to find that some company wants to lend me money. Same with e-mails. I see that I have mail in my inbox, and wonder which friend has sent me a message only to find that it's just some Canadian who wants to enlarge my penis.

3. Cat farts.

4. Sylvester Stallone's acting. I've heard that Sylvester Stallone is a very kind and generous man. Sylvester, I'm sure you're just a lovely human being. But for the love all that's good and holy, please, please don't ever make another movie. Apparently there was yet another sequel to Rocky recently. They played it in the cardio-cinema at the gym last week. I had to leave. That's how bad it was. The story itself seemed like maybe it could have been O.K., but the acting was painful. (Oh, speaking of the cardio-cinema, someone must have found out about the back row stationary bike trysts going on, because the whole back row has been replaced with shiny new treadmills, and foot lights have been installed. All the stationary bikes are front and center.)

5. Bieber hair on adults. It's bad enough on 16 year old boys and adult lesbians (click that--it's fun), but it crosses the line into unacceptable on a 35 year old man. C'mon people, even Bieber doesn't have Bieber hair anymore.

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