Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Things you probably didn't want to know for $200, Alex.

FYI: If you do a Google image search for "tampons and boobs," THIS is what you get.

1. I completely emptied my purse today for the first time in about a year. You guys, guess what I found in the bottom of my "lady emergency" pocket? Two O.B. Ultra tampons! The ones with the purple label! The ones they discontinued! The ones that hold roughly a gallon of fluid!

You know how it's kind of exciting to get out your winter coat for the first time in forever and find a wadded up $20 in the pocket? This was like that, except it was like finding ten wadded up hundred dollar bills instead.

I'm going to squirrel those babies away until I really need them. Like a cross country flight on day two or something.

I know. All the men who read this are thinking,"Day two? What does that even mean? " Boys, I say to you: Why are you even still reading this blog? You do realize I wrote about nothing but my menstrual cycle for nearly a month once, right? That my one (failed) shot at fame was over my hard hitting expose' on a tampon shortage?

I have to supplement protein. It's just part of the deal with gastric bypass surgery. I normally use whey protein supplements because they're the best for you (Well, maybe not for you specifically. I mean, maybe you're lactose intolerant. But best for someone who can't absorb protein very well and is not lactose intolerant).

Anyway, the whey supplements have been making me sick lately, so I switched over to soy protein supplements about a month ago.

I've gone up three cup sizes since then. (Again, men: Why are you even still here? No, I'm not talking about the size of the vessel in which I place my soy protein shake.)

It's like I'm breast feeding quadruplets. It's disturbing. I'm sure part of it is due to the I'm-not-telling-you-how-many pounds I've gained lately (eff you, thyroid), but not all of it. I had read that excess soy in your diet can sometimes enhance one's natural boobaliciousness (Men: That goes for you, too. Put down the edamame), but this is kind of ridiculous. I can barely even put my arms down, and forget button up shirts.

So, I can go back to the whey and experience daily bouts of explosive diarrhea (What? I warned you. Read the title), or I can walk around looking like Christina Hendricks minus the flawless skin, small waist, full lips and successful acting career.

Decisions, decisions.


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