Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Bathroom Tales.

As I've mentioned numerous times before, I'm a little OCD when it comes to germs and cleanliness. So, if I find something gross, I usually keep it to myself because I usually assume that it's just me that's bothered by it. But really, the following things should bother everybody. If they don't, it's you who has issues. Not me. Also, remind me never to eat at your house.

1. I was reading through my latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens and they showed a cute little project where kids can make Thanksgiving napkin rings out of toilet paper rolls. Think about this for a minute.

You want to take a cardboard tube that has been sitting next to your toilet, that has been touched by unwashed hands that have recently had nothing between them and feces but 2 thin plies of tissue paper, and put your napkin in it--you know, the thing you wipe your mouth with--and then put it on the dining table? Really? That sounds like a good idea to you?

2. I recently read a collection of short stories by Elizabeth Berg called Ordinary Life. The first story (also titled Ordinary Life) is about an elderly woman who decides she needs a retreat from life for a week. She can't really afford to go anywhere, so she decides to lock herself in the bathroom for a week.

So far, I'm O.K.

But then she decides to bring food in with her. She's got a case of Orangina and Heath Bars on the bathroom floor. She's got crackers stored under the bathroom sink.

Not my cup of tea, but I'm still hanging in there.

Then she lays on the bathroom floor. Yuck! I keep my bathroom pretty clean, but I would never lie on the floor in there. But I keep going with the story.

At one point her husband asks if he can make dinner and come into the bathroom to eat it with her. She agrees. They sit on the floor (again with the floor!) and they use the toilet as a table. That's when I had to take a break from the story.

Who eats food off the toilet? I know technically that the food never touched the toilet, but still. C'mon. You know it's gross.

3. Then we have those stupid Charmin commercials with the dingleberry bears.

Need I say more about this one? There are pieces of urine and/or feces covered toilet paper stuck to the bear's ass! And he's looking at them in a mirror.

4. Finally, I'd like to speak to all of you out there who are using your laptops and smartphones while doing your business. That's just gross. Stop that. No one wants an e-mail or Facebook status update that you composed while dropping a deuce. Especially me.

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