Monday, October 4, 2010
Guaranteed, or your money back!
(So, umm, this will be much more entertaining if you read it with the voice of Billy Mays.)
Are you tired of healthy kids?
Do you just not have enough laundry to do?
Have you not spent enough money on Childrens Tylenol and Gatorade this year?
Well, you've come to the right place, folks, because I have discovered the secret formula to ensuring that at least one of your kids will become violently ill!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Brandi, how much is this secret going to cost?"
Absolutely nothing! I'm so sure that this formula will work that I'm offering it at no cost to you!
I know, crazy!
First, wash your child's bedding. All of it. This will ensure that your child will vomit all over it within 12 hours.
Second, send your spouse out of town. If possible, out of state, or even better yet--out of the country! And the longer the better. This will ensure that your child will develop an extremely high fever, and you'll be out of fever reducer (and probably milk and toilet paper), leaving you no choice but to load your sick child up in the car and drag them to the store for Tylenol. And milk. And toilet paper. Also, as a bonus, your spouse being gone will likely result in your child eventually needing to go to the ER.
Third, load your sick child in the car and drag them to the store for Tylenol. And milk. And toilet paper. This will ensure that your child will puke all over your vehicle.
Fourth, make plans for a relaxing, enjoyable day of alone time. This will ensure that your child will be sick, and whiny and extremely clingy and needy.
Fifth, steam your carpets. Like number one, it will ensure that your child will vomit all over them (and it will probably be chocolate or fruit punch vomit) within 12 hours.
There you have it! Guaranteed to work or your money back!
(Yes, Will left for Texas for two weeks this morning. Yes, Amelia got violently ill. Yes, I washed her bedding yesterday and she puked all over it at 3:00 this morning. Yes, I had to drag her out to the store for Tylenol. And milk. And Toilet paper. And she puked all over the van. Yes, I had planned to relax and read all day today. And I really had planned to steam my carpets tonight, but at this point it would just be tempting fate. I'll wait until the plague has passed.)
Posted by Brandi at 7:19 PM