Confession

Other than my family (who use this privileged information to torture me), very few people know about a strange phobia I have. O.K., so I have a lot of strange phobias (like corn mixed with other food or someone touching the fabric headliner in a car) but this one is probably the strangest.

My name is Brandi, and I'm afraid of Mr. Peanut.

It all started when I was around three. I have a very clear memory of a nightmare in which Mr. Peanut was next to my bed beating me with his cane. I've been wary of him ever since.

Then, when I was a teenager, I read a book called Communion. It's by some guy who believes he's been repeatedly abducted by aliens. In it he claims that the aliens change our memories of abduction by making us think we've dreamed of something similar in appearance to them. Like owls. AND LIKE MR. PEANUT!

No, I don't believe I've been abducted by aliens for one second, but the whole thing just fed into my Mr. Peanut phobia.

The reason I'm coming out of the closet is because I recently learned I'm not alone in my phobia. Just Google "scared of Mr. Peanut." You'll see. I'm just one of many freaks...errr...I mean normal people with a strange phobia. So, if my confession helps just one person to no longer be ashamed of their affliction, then I've done my job.

It could be worse. I could be this girl:

Friday Math Quiz

Pencils out!

Please answer the following, and show your work:

One child that you thought was better
+ Hot dogs for dinner
+ Long looped carpet
+ 4:30 am
_____________________________
= ?


Got it?






How about now?






The correct answer is: Me, with PTSD caused by having to clean chunky hot dog vomit out of a deep carpet. And the smell. Oh, the unholy smell.

We will never have hot dogs again. Ever.

And I'm also irrationally angry at Will because he can sleep through it. Liam was crying and puking. I was retching because of the smell. All the lights were on. I started a load of blankets in the washing machine. Amelia woke up to see what was going on, as did Ben.
Not Will. He just kept on sleeping...



If you need a pick-me-up after that unpleasant mental image, take a look at this. It cracked me up. It's an actual vintage ad. Click it to make it larger.

Wednesday

My day started at 4:44 am. I heard crying and I was trying to orient myself and wake up and figure out which kid it was. Two seconds later my legs and my bed were covered in hot, slimy projectile vomit.

Morning, Liam.

Then I had to go get a psych evaluation for an upcoming surgery. All of you who had money riding on crazy, pay up. The Doctor says I'm quite balanced. Except the computerized personality evaluation came back showing that I was off the charts abnormal when it came to following rules (as in not following them). He said it indicates that I may not be very compliant with my doctor's orders after the surgery and that concerns him. I found this very odd and very surprising because I'm a HUGE rule follower. And I'm Nazi-like in making everyone else follow the rules. I really, really want to know what questions I answered to cause those results.

So, I left the hospital feeling somewhat relieved and yet somewhat disturbed that I'm only a little crazy.

Due to the morning vomiting incident, Liam stayed home from school. At school he naps. At home he refuses. So, he was sick and cranky and tired and I've had to listen this to this for the past 4 hours straight:



And then I had a coughing fit and peed my pants.

Shut up. It happens.

But it's all O.K. because it's Wednesday! I'll get to spend my evening with the couch, some popcorn, Tim Gunn, Jason Hawes, and Wisit. I love Wednesday.

(Anyone besides me find Wisit to be both utterly fascinating and yet horribly frightening at the same time? I'm drawn to him, yet completely creeped out by him. Doesn't matter, the guy who works for Martha Stewart is going to win anyway.)

P.S. I dare you to look at this picture and not lactate.

Word association: The single player version.

If any one out there has ever had a conversation with me about, say...the economy, and I reply by talking about cake mix, I promise I was not insane or suffering from ADD. I simply have a weird and wandering thought process. In my head my answer made perfect sense, but to those outside of my head who missed the path my thoughts followed, the things I say may seem a little random in relation to the topic at hand.

I'm not usually aware of this until someone points it out and I have to back track through my thoughts and explain how I got from point A to point B.

Today I was driving to an appointment and became aware of the fact that I was doing it, and I wasn't even talking to anyone!

Let me share that train of thought:

April's baby is almost one. ----> April's husband used to work for Joe Lieberman. ----> Lori Lieberman wrote a poem that she gave to Charles Fox and Norman Gimbel as inspiration for the song "Killing Me Softly." The poem was written about her experience hearing Don McLean sing "American Pie" at a concert.----> "The players tried to take the field but the marching band refused to yield" is one of my favorite lines from a song ever because I'm a former band geek and I think anyone who was ever in marching band secretly had delusions that people were there to hear you, not to watch the game or the skinny, braindead cheerleaders.----> People who have tried to analyze the lyrics to "American Pie" have said that that line refers to the Beatles (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band=Marching band) and how they kept their popularity even though groups like The Beach Boys and the Monkees were trying to step in. ----> My step father used to really, really look like Ringo Starr. So much so that he was approached for an autograph at a New Kids on the Block Concert back when they were cool (sort of). ----> April came with me the day of that concert and we skipped it and went on rides and pretended we thought NKOTB were for the elementary school set. ----> April's baby is almost one...

See how that works? So, if you ask me about gas prices and I start talking about Turducken, just know there's a connection. Really.

Going to be one soon...

He finally did it.

Ben finally pushed us over the edge. We've decided to send him to military school.
Here he is when we arrived--he was pretty excited. He didn't quite understand the concept.

Here he's meeting his new class.

Here they are after being issued their gear.

Then we went and checked out his room. It's a little bare, but it'll be easy to keep clean.

We're thinking of sending Liam next year if he doesn't start toeing the line at home.

Bye, Ben! See you at Christmas!






Alright, alright. Those are really from Fort Pulaski. That's where Will and the kids spent last Saturday while I was cavorting around Savannah with my Biscuit friends.

Oh no! What have I done?!

Saved myself from dealing with daily screaming and crying. Saved myself from chasing her around the church foyer with a hairbrush on Sundays. That's what I've done.

I felt a little guilty after the first cut, but there was no going back. She didn't really care--she just wanted the Starburst I promised if she sat still.

Before

After

A curly bob suits her personality better, anyway. She ran to the mirror afterward and proclaimed herself a beautiful princess. That's all that matters, right?

Infomercial Love

Some of you already know this about me, but for those who don't, I love infomercials. I love them. I love the cheesiness, I love the unrealistic promises, I love the ingenuity of the people who come up with this stuff.



One of my latest favorites is the commercial for Aquaglobes. These are blown glass thingies that you fill with water and stick in your plants. It waters them for you. If I had plants I would be tempted to order these. O.K. let's face it, I'm tempted to order them anyway. I have a thing for blown glass, O.K.? But that's not the reason I like this infomercial. I like this infomercial because if you act now, you get a free gift box with each Aquaglobe. See the free gift boxes pictured at right. I'm pretty sure those are just the standard packaging these babies come in. But hats off to the marketing genius who decided to call them free gift boxes.



One that I've actually purchased is Debbie Meyer's Green Bags. Not only have I purchased them, but I have recommended them to people. I can feel myself getting into a Debbie Meyer induced tizzy when I talk to people about these, but I can't help it. They're awesome. Sweet Debbie promised me that I'd save hundreds of dollars in rotten produce, and Debbie doesn't lie. I would be ungrateful if I didn't stand before you and bare you my testimony that I know Debbie Meyer's claims are true. In the name of fresh produce, Amen. Oh, and she just came out with deli meat bags! YES!



I can't say that I purchased this--I more inherited it from a family member who fell prey to the sparkly short shorts and body oil--but let's be honest, I'd have bought it.
Don't you judge me. The man is a workout genius. I dare you to not get hooked by the first song. Plus, he has women fatter than me on there, and that's always a self esteem booster.






One that I've become obsessed with recently is the Chillow. I'm always hot, especially at night. I run fans, the AC, you name it. This one promises to keep me cool forever--no plugs, no fans.
Sounds great, however I like to know the science behind the miracle. Debbie Meyer talks science with me. Aquaglobe voice-over man gets botanistic with me. But not the Chillow people. No, it's all a big secret with them. Here, read for yourself:
The Chillow Comfort Device is a thin, very soft, medical-grade, non-electric thermoregulating device. Chillow Comfort Device is designed to keep your pillow cool. The Chillow Comfort Device is a steady, lasting, and super comforting sensation which doesn't blow air, make noise, or cost money to run. There is no product in the world like it. Just activate it one time, and leave it in your pillow full-time. Its very soothing and relaxing effect will give you super sleep night after night- you're never too hot, you're never too cold....you're always perfectly comfortable!
So, O.K. It's a device. I got it. But how does it work? Until you start giving up some secrets, Chillow Mafia, I'm keeping my $29.99 plus $6.95 S&H securely in my wallet.


Now there's one product that I consider the Holy Grail of infomercials. I have seen the infomercial probably 50 times. Every time, I get thisclose to picking up the phone and ordering it. I've always talked myself out of it--it's too expensive, I'd never really use it, where would I put it?... Even when they cut the price in half a couple of years ago I still talked myself out of it. But I want it, and I want it bad. I've always wanted it. It's like your first love that you never completely get over. It was my first infomercial. It calls to me. I need a cold a shower if I see Ron Popiel. All because of this little machine:

So if you're wondering what to get me for Christmas, there you go.

Forgive my weird font changes--I can't seem to fix them...