About that new header...

So, with all the flurry about Las Vegas, I completely forgot to mention the new header. A couple of Saturdays ago I got a text from my number one minion*, Bennet. It said, "There is a 93 percent chance you will get something in the mail from me today. Don't pass out from excitement."

And so I ran out to the mail box, and there it was. A hand painted picture of me (looking far skinnier than I really am, which is why she's my number one minion) wearing the red bathing suit I wanted to be buried in if I'd died during the tummy tuck and holding the best food ever invented.



And I passed out from excitement.

O.K., not really, but I did squeal and jump up and down.

And then I immediately e-mailed her (you know, the whole phone phobia thing) and asked if it could be my new header.

I had just made that other new header, but people kept e-mailing me about it because they weren't aware that the giant building was the tower of Babel, you know, in Babylon, and it was getting old explaining it.

So, perfect timing on her part.

And then I started getting e-mails about the new header. Because it was missing my MOLE. Bennet is a kind and generous soul. She didn't feel the need to immortalize my giant facial tumor in a painting. But apparently the rest of you do.

So, with her blessing, I broke out my outdated and bootleg version of Paintshop Pro and added a mole. And since Bennet hadn't actually seen me in person in 14 months, she didn't know my hair was a lot longer, so I went ahead and changed that too. So what you see up there now is a slightly bastardized version of her masterpiece.

My husband said it was "interesting," which is his code word for "Please don't get us excommunicated this week. Please?" Whenever he breaks out "interesting" I know I've achieved my goal.

Oh, and the best part? As a bonus, Bennet's daughter, Tenacious G, sent me her own version.


I really had a hard time deciding which one to use.


*Pretty much anyone who sends me stuff can be my number one minion.

**Like the header? Want something similar for yourself? Contact Bennet at JusticeLeagueUnite@Hotmail.com. I don't even know if she's taking commissions, but it wouldn't hurt to ask her.

What happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas.

This one's for you, Harmony.

So, I keep trying to write a recap of my week in Las Vegas, but there's not much to recap.

We may call it "Bad Girls' Week(end)," but let's face it--we're all nearly-middle aged moms. We're too tired to be bad.

I already covered pole dancing and drag queen bingo. Those were the major activities for the week. Other highlights included:

• I finally ate at Cafe Rio. I've been hearing about it from Utah people for years now. It was really good, but fear not my East of the Mississippi friends--Moe's is pretty much exactly the same.

• Marianne won $500 on the slot machines. I won $16, but I spent it on more slots. That's why I should never gamble.

• Harmony passed out at the outlet mall like a drunk girl at prom.

• We saw Gollum in a plaid mini skirt and tube top crouching next to a fire hydrant in front of The Bellagio.

• I may or may not have been filmed doing lap dancing moves to primary songs. And if I did, I assure you that the video no longer exists. I hope.

• I'm pretty sure that we all decided who we'd pair up with if we ever decided to start "playing for the other team." Unfortunately, I think we all decided on the same two people.

• Someone who shall not be named ordered a fruity drink in a three-foot tall glass. She thought it was a virgin drink. She thought wrong. That someone was very drunk most of Wednesday night. (And no, "someone" is not code for "me.")
  

Yeah. That's about it.

I know. I've greatly disappointed you. I'll try to be badder next time.

Stripper 101

So today's Vegas adventure was a stripper class.

Stripper 101 graduating class of 2011
(The hot one holding her boob was the teacher)

Not only can I now give a mean lap dance, but I can work the pole like a champion tether ball player. And with these tips, now you can too:

• Give the cookie, take it away.
• Just pretend you're putting on lotion.
• Don't do the good stuff on the first song.
• Boob check and sexy stretch.
• If you get tired or bored, just bend over, hold the pole and sway. That'll buy you at least five minutes.
• If you freak out, just turn around and shake your ass.
• Insist on payment upfront.
• Layer your panties.
• Don't get too close to the pole or you'll break your cookie.
• Bruised shins are the sign of an amateur.

Breaking my cookie

Midnight in the garden of drag queen bingo.

So, it's midnight and my brain is so not functioning right now and I reek like cigarette smoke and I just spent nearly three hours at drag queen bingo.

It was pretty awesome.

I'd tell you all about it, but I'd have to use words I wouldn't normally say.

I'll leave you with this:

Unfortunately this isn't all of us. Three are missing. This was the conversation immediately after the picture was taken:

Jen: "You just got your picture taken with a bunch of Mormon housewives."
Drag Queen: "Can I be a sister wife???!!!"

Awesome.

On the first day of Vegas my true love gave to me...

...A pair of shiny, glittery whore shoes!


So, in the interest of full disclosure, I've had about three hours sleep in the past 48-ish hours, so I'm not really that coherent right now. I'd love to say that it was because I was gambling or drunk pole dancing in some den of iniquity until the wee hours, but really it's just because we've stayed up way too late talking.

Sunday night I arrived and met three of my friends. We stayed at the gayest hotel ever (not a bad thing, by the way) and thought we'd be experiencing a huge gay spring break bash. Except that we were pretty much the only people in the hotel. Despite the hotel calendar's claim that it was the kick off bash for gay spring break that night, the gayest spring breakers there were the four of us.

Around midnight we decided it would be the perfect time to go get some dinner. The restaurant in our hotel was closed, so we wandered across the street to the Hard Rock Hotel. Now, I'm a pretty liberal person. I'm not fazed by much. But I'll admit that I was a little taken aback by the debauchery going on in that hotel. And I totally saw my first pole dancer. Also, at the table next to us was what I'm pretty sure were a group of porn stars. One of them wearing handcuffs. There may have been some straddling taking place, too. I just ate my potstickers and stared.

Monday three more of our contingent arrived and we moved into the rental house. And because we're all badass, we spent the day shopping at Costco, eating at Cafe Rio and making knitting needle run to Michael's.

Last night we went to the strip and walked around for awhile. I won fifteen cents on penny slots. And not just any penny slots--Star Wars penny slots. We ate gelato at The Venetian and then took a stretch limo back to the parking garage at The Bellagio where our cars were . We're rock stars like that.

Tonight the final three ladies arrive, and we'll be off to Drag Queen Bingo. And when I checked my e-mail this morning there was a Groupon offer to take a pole dancing class for $20. I am THERE. I'll even get a souvenir Las Vegas Stripper license.

What good are stripper heels if I can't also work the pole?

Merry Christmas, Will!

Love is in the air.

(Horny Robin and her nest of unwed sin)

So, it's Spring here. The trees are blossoming, the flowers are blooming, my lawn guy is about to start taking away my extra spending money, and the robins are getting frisky.

Very, very frisky.

There's a robin couple (Shhh! Don't tell, but I'm pretty sure they're not married) that have built a love nest in a tree in the back yard. And they've been doing some sort of elaborate mating ritual all week.

Granted, I know nothing about the mating habits of robins. Maybe they don't have a mating ritual--maybe they're just freaking insane. But I'm pretty sure they're hornier than than a couple of sexually repressed teenagers.

It was kind of fun watching their antics while they were in the back yard. It wasn't so fun when they moved their hot date to my driveway.

I had the garage door open while I cleaned out my van, and they flew in not once, not twice, but FOUR times. Four times they flew in, raging hormones making them completely oblivious to their surroundings and the fact that they were on my water heater.

Oblivious, that is, until I whacked them with a broom and shooed them out.

If I'm not getting any at my house, neither is anyone else.

Leaving on a jet plane.

So, first of all, I need to say this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WILL!!!!

O.K., now that that's out of the way...

In two days I'm leaving for Las Vegas to spend five days with a bunch of awesome women, NO children and hopefully more than a few drag queens.

In an hour I'm heading to the airport to pick up my parents, who are spending the week here taking care of my spawn their grandchildren.

I need this vacation. I need about five of them a year, but I'll settle for the one.

Anyway, I'm going to try something different this trip. I'm going to challenge myself to accomplish something I never have been able to before.

This insurmountable challenge?

I'm going to attempt to only have a carry on and no checked luggage.

Anyone who has ever traveled with me is laughing right now. I'm a notorious over packer. But I just know my luck. I know that my luggage would be lost and I'd be stuck wearing the same outfit for the whole week and borrowing someone's toothbrush. So, I'm going to try. I have a carry-on approved rolling bag and my laptop bag. I'm going to attempt to fit all my clothes, shoes and toiletries for five days into this bag:

Shown actual size

Wish me luck.

Also, I can probably look forward to a few full body pat downs and cavity searches. It was cheaper to buy two one way tickets on different airlines than a round trip ticket. So, I'm flying one way with no checked luggage. If that doesn't send up a red flag or two, then our system has failed, because that would make even me suspicious of me.

Anyway, I have a couple of posts set to go up over the next few days because I'll be kind of busy. I never pre-write posts, so hopefully they actually post when scheduled. And I'll be checking in frequently from Vegas. I promise.