Friday, November 20, 2009

Team Jacob.

So, last night was The Night. The big midnight premier of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

We arrived at the theater around 9:00 pm for a 12:30 am showing. There were surprisingly few screaming teenage girls. Which, of course, means that the crowd of 2000 people was mainly comprised of adult women who should know better and gay guys who think Edward is so dreamy.

Pretty sure this guy was on Team Jacob.


After a few hours of waiting and eating and talking and eating and talking, oh--and waiting, it was time for the movie to start. There was much screaming and swooning by middle aged women, and snide comments galore by Sylwia (by the way, that really is the only way to enjoy a Twilight Saga movie--sitting next to Sylwia).

So, here's my review of the movie. Please note, I haven't read the book, so my opinion is based purely on the big screen version. And there will probably be spoilers if that sort of thing is even possible with these movies.

1. Edward is still a controlling douchebag, even from long distance.

2. Bella is only capable of dating men who could kill her in the blink of an eye, and who like to constantly remind her of that fact while paradoxically telling her they only want to protect her.

3. Eric is so gay.

4. Poor Bella still has Parkinson's disease. Somebody get Michael J. Fox to Forks ASAP. The girl needs some help.

5. Edward makes the same pained facial expression every time he kisses Bella as he does when he's getting his trash kicked by the Voltari.

We met a few Voltari of our own at the theater. Seriously people. Stop it.

6. If you get motion sickness, you might want to look away as Bella falls into her three month depression (in which she apparently doesn't leave her bedroom or shower or change clothes).

7. The wolves need better attire. The whole cut offs and no shirt look was downright laughable (and for those of us who hadn't read the book, it was highly distracting. The movie doesn't tell you that he inexplicably takes time to tie his pants around his ankle when faced with deadly vampires).

8. Bella's fetal position-primal screaming made me laugh hysterically.

9. Jacob (post shearing) was so hot I'm pretty sure I now need to register as a sex offender. So, umm, how soon will Taylor Lautner be 18?

10. Edward still has something seriously wrong with his face. I didn't think it was possible, but he was even less attractive in this movie.

11. The producer apparently blew the whole budget on sparkles because the CGI wolves were cheese-tastic.

12. I like Dakota Fanning when she plays evil.

13. Sylwia and I cheered when it appeared Bella had drowned. Imagine our disappointment when she lived.

14. After reading Twilight and watching this movie, I'm convinced that Stephenie Meyer hates women.

15. I'd watch a whole movie about Alice.

"Dude, I can't believe you all paid $11 to see this crap."

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