Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Greatest Hits Volume I: The YMCA Pool Saga

So, for the next few days I'm going to pull a few posts out of the archives.

For no other reason than because I'm lazy.

The posts for the rest of the week were chosen based on the following criteria: They're the ones you guys told me sucked the least.


Get out of the pool, you filthy, filthy whore.

(Originally posted February 3rd, 2009)

So, today being Tuesday, I went to do laps in the pool at the Y.

They only had 4 lap lanes open, all being used, but you're supposed to double up. So, I hop in the widest lane and start my laps.

The next thing I know, the man who was also in the lane grabbed my arm and started yelling at me.

He was an older man--60-ish, probably, and Middle Eastern. My guess would be Saudi. Now, please please please don't send me hate mail about this. I am simply stating the facts as they happened.

He tells me that I can't be in this lane. Silly me thinks that he means he doesn't want to share the lane period. So, I point to the sign stating that lanes must be shared. He says no, I as a filthy dirty whore, cannot share the lane with a man.

Excuse me?

Then he starts a whole tirade about the travesty of having to share a whole pool with filthy whores (I swear, those were his words), but to have one in the same lane was beyond what he could tolerate. Because, you know, those floaty dividers are going to keep my filthy whore cooties off of him.

I told him to suck it and continued my laps.

By this point the life guard had come over and was dealing with him. He left shortly after.

He has every right to believe that women are filthy whores if they don a swimsuit and swim in public with (gasp!) men, but don't come to a public pool in the United States of America--a public pool in a building with the word Christian in its name no less--and expect all the women to clear out.

If I see him there again I think I might flash my boobs at him or something.

He picked the wrong filthy whore to mess with.

[But wait! There's more! The saga continues below!]

Revenge is a dish best served cold. By a one armed retarded girl.

(Originally posted February 28th, 2009)

So Lawrence of Arabia was at the pool again this morning. He was in his lane, I was in mine three lanes away.

Also in the pool, in the lane next to Omar, was a mentally challenged girl who only has one arm. She's there every Saturday. She totally kicks my butt. She can swim three laps to my one. She's queen of the Special Olympics swim team. And did I mention she only has one arm? Anyway, she's prone to, umm... outbursts...while she swims. Big, huge, profanity laced outbursts.

So, Osama was swimming his laps, not causing any trouble, and all of a sudden I hear the girl start yelling, "Hey fatty! Swim faster!" I look up because I just assume she's talking to me.

She wasn't. She was totally yelling at Saddam. For 20 minutes this went on. "Hey tub o lard, why's your back so hairy?" "Did you eat my arm for breakfast?" "Fatty boombalatty, faaaaaaatty boombalatty!" "You need a bra, you have big knockers like my mom." "Did you lose your d**k in an accident, or is it just really small?"

On and on.

He finally got out, yelling what were probably profanities in his native tongue, and left.

I LOVE that one armed girl.

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