Self esteem workshop

These are some actual e-mails I received this week (and my actual responses).


Do you know what yittums are? Yittums are when your nipples are pointy and visible through your shirt. And I've seen you at the gym. You have them ALL THE TIME. So you can shut your queer-loving, God-hating mouth about men getting erections when they exercise.

I prefer to call them party hats. Tomato, tomahto...



You should have your kids taken away.

Can you be here to get them by 5? I'll have their bags packed and waiting.



It's really too bad you ruined a perfectly good tummy tuck by getting fat again. That's what you get for taking the easy route and having gastric bypass to lose weight. Once a fatty, always a fatty.

It's really too bad you ruined a perfectly good personality by opening your mouth. That's what you get for taking the easy route and sleeping with your teachers to pass school. Once a brainless whore, always a brainless whore.



Did you know that you can have those ugly moles removed? Why would you keep them around? I don't understand it. If I had that face, that would have been my top priority years ago.

I keep them as a public service. They make people like you feel better about yourselves.