Monday, December 20, 2010

The Christmas Letter

Really, we weren't even trying. We're just naturally that screwed up.

Dear Family, Friends and Internet Stalkers,

This has been an exciting year for the Douglass family! Most exciting, of course, was our move from redneck infested rural Georgia to the hillbilly riddled Tennessee/Kentucky state line. It's been really great so far. We're much closer to a Wal-Mart now, and the skanks around here are at least 30% skankier! Also, some of the gas stations on the Kentucky side have topless dancers and electronic gambling after 10 pm! And toddlers are totally allowed to participate! Really, it's like we're living the American dream.

Amelia turned five this year and started kindergarten. She had a rough start, and for a while there we were pretty worried that she was going to have to spend her life getting by on her looks. But, through the miracle of threats and bribery, she has learned to read. She loves Barbies and drawing, and like her mother, is showing a real affinity for telling others how they should be living their lives.

Liam started first grade this year. We just couldn't be more proud of how he managed to not get expelled, despite being suspended eleven times in the first nine weeks of school. We discovered that the combination of bad parenting, video games, television and processed foods had caused him to suffer from ADHD. But, not to worry! We now have him amply drugged to get through the day and he's doing wonderfully! He's currently really into Indiana Jones, and spends much of his free time running around in a hat and whip killing all the Nazis.

Speaking of Nazis, Ben started middle school this year and became a full fledged tween. We found out that he has a higher IQ than both Einstein and Hitler, which has really motivated him to try even harder to fail all his classes. I'm happy to report that he has been mostly successful in that endeavor. A few B's and even an A kept him from his goal, but I'm sure he can bring those down to at least a low D next semester. He also scored the lead part in the middle school play, and decided he loves acting and would even like to pursue acting as a career! We are so looking forward to the proud day when we can read about his scandals in Us Weekly. Ben's other interests this year have included growing out his hair like Justin Bieber while simultaneously professing that Bieber is "gay" and "retarded."

Will started off the year by becoming a Warrant Officer in the US Army. This means more money in his paycheck that he's not allowed to spend, and the privilege of being superior to all the enlisted military members everywhere. The biggest news for Will is that he will be deploying to Afghanistan next month. There he will spend a year playing computer games, watching movies, napping, not dealing with his three children and not having sex. So, basically just like home. Except now that Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed, there will probably be a lot of really fabulous parties over there. I won't lie. I'm a little jealous.

The biggest event for me this year was getting a tummy tuck. I had several pounds of flesh removed from my abdomen, which I immediately replaced with jalapeno chips and chocolate. I spend most of my days thinking up ways to not kill my children, talking to my friends who live in my computer and generally offending everyone with the things I write here. This year I also discovered the joys of texting, so now I have another way to avoid interacting with real, live people. I have also managed to not become addicted to Valium or porn, and to not get excommunicated. So, all in all I consider it a successful year!

And remember, "Happy Holidays" is what the terrorists say.
So, Merry Christmas from The Douglasses

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