Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolve is a carpet cleaner, not a verb.

So, I wrote this post three weeks ago and scheduled it to post today. But I accidentally scheduled it to post at 10 PM rather than 10 AM. And now everybody and their dog has posted their resolutions, so when I post this in a few minutes I'm just going to look like some copy-catting schmuck.

Just know this: I wrote mine first, bitches! You're the copy-catting schmucks! ALL OF YOU!

So anyway, if you're not tired of reading resolutions at this point, here are mine.

1. Learn the difference between AM and PM, apparently.

2. Be more judge-y. I mean, I've done a pretty good job of being judgmental this year, but I could do better.

3. Spend more than 15 days of the calendar year on the same continent as my husband. Preferably same state, but I'd settle for same country. (Side note: for the next 9 and a half hours, my husband and I are living in different years.)

4. More naps. And bacon.

5. Put all my faith in the Mayans. Tick tock, people.

6. Fewer tornado warnings. Obviously I can't stop the tornadoes from coming, but I can sleep with ear plugs in and pretend they don't exist.

7. Not get pregnant.

8. Gain at least 5 pounds.

9. Spend more time on Facebook.

10. Find new ways to interact with people without actually having to experience human contact.

What are your resolutions, internets? Nevermind. I've already read them.

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