Monday, June 7, 2010

I guess I'm getting divorced and moving to California.

So, I had this little nugget of awesomeness in my inbox this afternoon. I don't know if it's real or if it's one of you screwing with me. Either way, it made my freaking day.

If it's real, then I'm flattered, really, but no.

Dear Brandi,

It's taken me months to build up the courage to write to you. I found your blog about a year ago and it was like finding the missing piece of my soul. I'm ecstatic when I see a new post; I'm forlorn when there isn't one.

I've had to work up the courage because I know you're married and have a family. And I know that you are a daughter of God and I know you must take your marriage covenant seriously.

However, I have prayed about this and I have received a revelation that you are to be my eternal companion. I've waited and prayed for so long to find the woman that is meant to spend eternity with me, and I know that it is you.

I want to tell you about me, and then I want you to sincerely pray to know if I'm the one meant for you.

My name is Jarom. I'm 39. I have a master's degree in education from BYU and I'm a high school teacher in northern California. I love Settlers of Catan and all the expansions, but I never have anyone to play it with. I love the original three Star Wars movies and was sorely disappointed in the three prequels. I own the entire series of Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and the first 5 seasons of LOST on DVD (Juliet was my favorite character. I know you're a Sawyer fan. I'm more like Dr. Arzt if I'm being honest). I used to listen to John Mayer all the time until I read that he was rude to you in school. I sold my CDs the next day. Now I'm into Jack Johnson and Taylor Swift. I like to ride my bike and take long walks and hike in the mountains.

I tend to like big and beautiful women, but I know I would still be able to love you now that you're small. I admire the work and dedication you've put in to losing the weight, but I also know that you have the heart of a big woman, and that's what matters to me.

I'm a Gospel Doctrine teacher at church, and I find the calling challenging but usually fullfilling. Like you, I dislike "Mormon Culture" and so many people confuse culture with actual doctrine. I sometimes imagine having long discussions with you about doctrine. I know we'd agree on so much.

I haven't traveled much. I was born and raised in Utah County and never really saw much outside of Utah, Idaho and Montana until I moved to California for my job.

I'm an only child, and I'm very close to my parents. My mother visits once a month. She says she comes to give my house a "feminine touch," and I know she's anxious for me to find a woman that she approves of and who will give her grand children.

I really want you to know that I would never ever dream of breaking up a marriage, especially a temple marriage. But one can't deny a revelation. I'm sure Nephi never dreamed of beheading anyone, and I'm sure Abraham never would have considered sacrificing Isaac, but when God tells you to do something, you should probably try to do it, right?

I make more than enough to support you and your children. I own a lovely home with five bedrooms. Your current husband would even be welcome to stay with us when he came to visit the children. I'm sure he's a good man. I know he's a lucky one.

So, pray and ponder and think seriously about it. I know this is all probably very overwhelming for you. You probably think I'm crazy. I'm not, I promise, but I can't deny my feelings any longer.

Yours truly,

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