Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Great Jelly Massacre of 2010


So, yesterday I was seriously considering taking Jarom up on his offer.

It was the first day in weeks that I wasn't up and showered and dressed before Will left for work. Because I still have to wear the surgical binder (just six more days!) I can only shower when Will is home to wrap me in it afterward. So he knew I wasn't showered and dressed and could not do so without him. He also knew that I was packing the house, doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms.

But what does he do? He calls and says that he's bringing a friend home from work for lunch because they have some work they need to do on Will's computer. I reminded him of my disheveled state, my inability to do anything about it without him, and that his computer is--get this--portable, and he could take it anywhere to do the work. Nope. For whatever reason they needed to do it here and they would be here in 10 minutes. That's when I first started wondering if perhaps Jarom was real and just how nice his 5 bedroom house was. Surely a guy who would sell his John Mayer CDs to defend my honor would never bring a stranger home when I was stinky and in pajamas, especially after I had plead with him not to.

So anyway, I hurriedly cleaned the bathrooms and jumped in the shower. Which left Will to make lunch for himself, his friend and Liam and Amelia.

After my shower, I was brushing my hair and Will came in to ask what the best way to get jelly out of the carpet was. I told him, and was a little alarmed because there's no carpet in the kitchen or dining area.

He and his friend left before I finished getting ready. When I came out into the kitchen (which, by the way, was spotless when I got in the shower) there was trash on the table, crushed popcorn all over the floor, a dish of left over potatoes just tossed into the sink (we do have a garbage disposal and, you know, a trash can) and the bread and peanut butter were still sitting on the counter. So, after sending an angry text to Will about the state of the kitchen, I started cleaning it up.

And then I noticed the jelly.

There was grape jelly dripping down the doorway of the kitchen. There was grape jelly dripping down the wall by the dining room table, which is a good 12 feet away from the doorway where the other jelly was. There was grape jelly dripping down the front of the refrigerator. There was grape jelly dripping down the front of the washing machine which is across the hall and in an entirely different room than the kitchen.

Cue second angry text.

And then I realized that I was literally stuck to the floor. It was like half the kitchen floor had been coated in glue. But it wasn't glue. Apparently it was grape jelly that had only been given a cursory wipe with a dry paper towel.

There was a fly on the floor on one of the jelly smears going crazy. I'm pretty sure it had a little housefly orgasm right there. I mean, I guess I would too, if I was a fly and someone coated an entire kitchen in sticky sweet grape jelly.

Cue third angry text, in all caps.

Apparently Will had been trying to shake the squeeze bottle of jelly so that the jelly would come out, and the lid flew open and he didn't realize it and covered a good 20 foot span of house with jelly and then did a crappy job of cleaning it up (because, you know, he was "working with his friend," which apparently involved watching videos on YouTube).

So Jarom, if you're real and you're reading this (which I know you are because you're ecstatic when I post, and because I have the heart of a big woman), know that for a brief moment yesterday your dreams almost came true.

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