The top 10 things we're all thankful for, but won't admit.

Happy Thanksgiving, internets! I hope your day was full of unhealthy food and dysfunctional people!

I've been seeing a lot of people posting blogs and Facebook updates about what they're thankful for. Yeah, that's not so much me. I think we're all pretty grateful for family, friends, health, blah blah blah. I mean, how often do we hear of people updating their status with, "Damn, I hate being in good health and gainfully employed. I wish I could get laid off, and then maybe get cancer!"? Exactly, never.

So, I've decided to share with you the top 10 things I'm really thankful for. You're probably thankful for most of them, too, but won't admit it.


10. I'm thankful when hotel housekeeping leaves a tip envelope with the housekeeper's name on it. It makes it much easier for me to leave her a nasty note about why it is she's not getting a tip from me.

9. I'm thankful that I'm not a hoarder.

8. I'm thankful that I was smart enough not to get a pet that requires me to follow behind it picking up their steaming feces with a baggie.

7. I'm thankful I never had to sleep with a teacher for an A.

6. I'm thankful I'm not blind, because I'm pretty sure being blind would be the very worst thing ever for a germophobe. You'd never be able to see if that fork in the restaurant had food stuck to it, or if you were walking into a puddle of urine in a public restroom.

5. I'm thankful for every time Brad Pitt takes his shirt off in a movie. Except for during the first half of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That was not hot.

4. I'm thankful so many Mormons are addicted to porn and I'm not. If someone tries to point out my spiritual shortcomings, I can always say, "Hey, at least I'm not addicted to porn like the rest of you!"

3. I'm thankful I lived in Europe and can refer to "that time we were in Paris, " or "the Thanksgiving we flew down to Italy for the afternoon."

2. I'm thankful that I'm thinner than Oprah.

1. I'm thankful for the internet. Without it, I'd have no friends.