Thursday, March 31, 2011

A rose by any other name would probably still sound like a stripper.

If you name your daughter anything that
ends with "i," this is what you can expect.

This is an actual conversation between myself and the reservation agent I booked our Stripper 101 class with in Las Vegas:

(Blah blah blah...details about what time and how many and listing off nine Groupon confirmation codes...)

Agent: O.K., so I'm going to just make the reservations all in your name for simplicity. Can I get your name?

Me: Brandi, B-R-A-N-D-I, Douglass, D-O-U-G-L-A-S-S. [I always spell it out for people, otherwise it ends up being Brandy Douglas every single time.]

Agent: (Giggling) No, I need your real name for the reservation. You can tell her a stripper name for the license at the class.

Me: No, that is my real name.

Agent: Really? Brandi with an i and Douglass with ass?

Me: Yep. That's me.


Fast forward to the next evening at the end of the Stripper class. The teacher told us all to think of a stripper name for our licenses.

Among us we had a Sexy TeXXXy and a Stilett-Ho (which, by the way, the teacher spelled Stitle-Ho, which kind of detracts from the sexy factor), and someone even used Brandi as her stripper name.


So, I make my way up to get mine and she asks me what name I want and I say Brandi. She says, "Brandi is always a good stripper name." I tell her that it's actually my real name, it's even on my shoes. So she says, "Well, I'll sexy-spell it for you."

Guess how you sexy spell Brandi? C'mon, guess.



And this has been going on my whole adult life. Whenever I meet someone in person for the first time who knew my name in advance, I always want to apologize for not being a large breasted sex kitten, because I know that's what they've imagined.

Do a Google image search for Brandi. (Make sure you spell it with an i.) The first four pages of results are mostly images of large breasted sex kittens that I can't even post here.

I suppose it could be worse. I could have been Bambi.

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