Thursday, July 2, 2009

People and children and dogs, oh my!

Last year when we were still living in Maryland, I accidentally announced in Relief Society that I don't like people. Any people. I didn't mean it quite the way it sounds, but I also sort of did.

It's not entirely true. I do like many people. It's just the concept of people in general that I don't like. I like quiet. I like to be alone. I like cleanliness and order. I like things my way. I'm easily annoyed by little things. Like breathing. People are not usually conducive to quiet, orderly, non-annoying, my way or the highway solitude.

That's not to say that I don't enjoy getting together with friends, but it does stress me out a little. I get over it, I move on with life, I have fun with them.

Anyway, the other day I let it slip to a friend that I also don't like children. Any children. Not even my own. For all the same reasons I don't like adult people, times ten.

Now before the hate mail starts, let me say that I love my children. I love other people's children. I just don't like them. Make sense?

I think it boils down to the fact that I'm basically a very selfish person. You really can't be selfish with kids. Sometimes you have no choice but to put their needs ahead of your own. And I don't like it. Sometimes I don't really care that you want a snack or a drink or a hug. Mommy's in the middle of a good book--go away! But I get the snack or the drink or the hug usually because that's what I signed up for.

And I apologize to those of you out there reading this who may be struggling with infertility and are thinking, "You can be sure that if I were able to have the child I so desperately want I would be endlessly grateful for the opportunity to get them a snack." I know you would be. Believe me, I've been there. For years and years. But sometimes you get what you ask for and reality sets in and you start to wonder what to hell you were thinking.

Also, I've made no secret of the fact that I hate dogs. Hate. Really, really hate. I've realized that it's for all the same reasons I don't like people or kids with the addition of dog-smell and poop thrown in. This is why I'm a cat person. They're quiet, they're clean, they make very few demands.

So, to sum up:

1. I don't like you.
2. I don't like your kids.
3. I really don't like your dog.

And this is why I'll die a lonely old cat-lady.

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Be nice or I'll punch you in the taco.