Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Here we go again

O.K., so here we are again--a day before the big surgery. I'm not nearly as nervous as I was last week. I should be--all the possible complications are still there--but I'm not. I guess that's a good thing. The biggest thing I'm worried about? Dying without ever knowing how LOST ends. It's a sincere concern of mine.

I go in and talk to the surgeon this afternoon. I'm telling him that he has my permission to remove any non-essential organ that gets in his way or has alien cysts growing on it. I'm also going to try to convince him to give me a hysterectomy while he's in there. Think he'll go for it?

I'm also trying to come up with a really creative threat to tape to my stomach before the surgery. I'm allergic to iodine. I had a big red wristband on stating that. I also reminded the surgeon and the anesthesiologist. But, they prepped me with betadine anyway. I spent 3 days burning and itching.

So, I'm going to tape a note to my stomach reminding them, and I'd like to include a threat. Something that they'd know was a joke yet would also convey that I mean business. Any ideas?

Oh, and I have a codicil for my will. I would like you to get Kathy Griffin to give my eulogy. I know she's a busy celebrity, but in my head we're best fiends. I think she'd do it.

And all those jokes I want from all of you? Have them printed in a book to be given out as gifts at the after-party.

And I want a pink casket.

And if anyone comes near my cold, dead eyelids with blue or green eyeshadow I'll haunt you (in a bad, evil way) for the rest of your life.

I think that covers it.

Oh wait. One last thing.

Those with weak stomachs may want to avert your eyes.


Are you sure?

My before shot. You'll see a lot of this as the months go on.

Before, a side view. Flattering, no? I like how it shows off my back hump (years of poor posture and a mild case of scoliosis). Just call me Quasimodo.

You guys totally thought I was going to show you another ovarian cyst picture, didn't you?


  1. Are those crocs? If so, I have the same ones in purple! I don't like the normal crocs, but I love mine. I really only wore them when I was pregnant, but I did an entire concert standing room only with no back, knee or leg pain. My feet hurt a little, but it was a long concert.

    I'm sure everything will go well for you tomorrow. I'll send some good energy your way in the morning (though by the time I wake up, you'll probably be half done).

  2. Best wishes Brandi!!

    That picture wasn't bad at all.

    I want to see bathing suit shots like they do in 'biggest loser'.

  3. "If you put iodine here (arrow pointing down), I'd better wake up with new boobs here (arrow pointing up)" or something along those lines.

    Good luck!

  4. I happened upon your blog and think your writing is hilarious. Best of luck to you and happy healing!

  5. If those surgeons hurt you in any way, there will be no where they will be safe from me. However I really like the casket you picked out. Love you!! xoxoxox

  6. My stomach churned before I saw your picture. What a pleasant surprise! You are beautiful, lady. Okay so actual rub-ons work on your belly, so rub away (or use a Sharpee/post-it) with a note saying, "Iodine does NOT go here. (with arrows going out in every direction) P.S. My husband has a REALLY big gun."

    Okay that was lame. What about this one... oh I just read the boob one!! Do that. And ditto on the bathing suit. NOT birthday suit. Not even pixelated out.

    I will pray, yet again, for you, but this time I will not pray that you will have an 8 lbs. cyst. My bad. :) jk.

    Can you put, "plane ticket for Monique to come to my after death party" in your will? Thanks. I'll scrapbook it for your posterity???

    YOU WILL BE FINE!!!!! :) Love ya!

  7. ooh! I like the boobs one. Do that. :)

    Good luck on your surgery. Can't wait to see future pictures!

    If you were here I'd totally make you go to the gym to speed the process. Marianne and I could've tag teamed. :P

  8. I'm totally in love with that barbie casket. Are those jewels on the side? :D

    Since Kathy Griffin is totally my BFF (in my head) I'll put in a good word and should you, heaven forbid, perish before Lost is over, she'll be there to eulogize your awesome life.

    BTW...if you are in the spirit world you would surely be able to know to what the heck happens on Lost before the rest of us. Wait? Is that some kind of Catholic doctrine? dang...oh well.

    Let's see...I can think of a really long note for those prepping you for surgery. "Beware, iodine causes inner alien (yes, like the movie with Sigorney Weaver) to emerge and bite your hand and head off. He's like a Gremlin, don't feed him iodine!" That or the boob one. I like the boob one. :D

  9. Go for the boob one. Nicole got her new boobs, but I don't think she's even allergic to iodine!

    Good luck and may the Force be with you. (I guess I'm channeling Liam tonight.) I know you'll be just fine. You have to be, because I need my daily dose from Babylon :)

  10. Let's just clarify that by "new" boobs, we are talking about making my "old" boobs smaller. And higher up. I didn't add anything to the mix, I just cut a bunch of annoying extra off. Not that there's anything wrong with "adding to the mix", I just didn't do that. So I better not have a bunch of people looking confusedly at my chest on Sunday...

  11. I'd go with the boob threat/request. And I think that we should all bedazzle that Barbie casket - how fun! We could all meet up with our hot glue guns and bedazzle, scrap, and decoupage the night away! (Then I'd have to shoot myself, but hey, if it'd make your casket awesome, then it's worth it)

    Good luck!

  12. I want in on the bedazzle- Decoupage team.

    Not that you will need us now, but we shold make plans for the future.

    (and I have the blue AND green eyeshadow if I am not invited!)

    You'll be even more beautiful than you are when they are finished. I've gfot the flying monleys on alert for iodine.

  13. FYI
    Brandi's surgery went "good"- labroscopically (sp?)

    She was finished by 1130, and took a little walk around 6pm..

    I would just post from her computer but I'm to lazy to fire it up...

  14. I'm totally diggin the pink casket!! =] Good luck Tit


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