Monday, January 19, 2009

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I'm home!!

I had the surgery on Wednesday as scheduled and everything went swimmingly. I was pretty famous in the operating room prep area. I had to keep explaining why I already had fresh incisions, which was followed every single time by, "That was you? We heard about you. Your cyst was the talk of the surgery department for days. " Ummm, yay?

Anyway, I ended up spending the past 5 days in the ICU because doctors are cocky.
I require insane amounts of insulin. The doctors said I couldn't possibly require that much insulin. So, they would give me 3 or 4 units (I normally take 800) and scratch their big pointy heads and wonder why my sugar kept going up.

I begged them to please just call my endocrinologist who was working just one floor up. I even played the crying girl card. No, no. What does he know? It's only his specialty. Besides, I'm post op gastric bypass now. Everything is different!

I told them very clearly that on my current no calorie, no fat, no sugar, no nothing all clear liquid recovery diet, I would still require about 40-50 units of insulin.

No can do.

Anyway, long story somewhat shorter, they finally called in the endocrinologist, he told them 45 units (hmm, sound familiar?), they gave it to me, it worked, and I'm finally home.

Physically I feel pretty good. I'm only mildly sore at night (like now), but nothing worth breaking out the narcotics for. Real food tortures me--I want it, and I can't even cheat and have one bite of anything because I don't want my stomach to burst open at its new seams. And I don't want to vomit. I didn't water down my broth packet quite enough tonight and I thought I was going to pass out for a few minutes.

I'm really looking forward to the day a month or two from now where I can have some chicken breast and cucumbers for dinner, an omelet (well, three bites of one anyway) for breakfast.

The part of me in the most pain from all this is my butt. Hospital beds are not made to be lain in for more than an hour. Some nights I almost prayed for death because it seemed like the only thing that would give me sweet release from the butt pain.

And the topper to this party cake of a week? I got my period. During surgery. Highly unpleasant, yet proof that God has a sense of humor. And I always seem to be the butt of His jokes.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I didn't even break it up with pictures (I could show you my surgical drain and its contents if you want).

Oh--I did pre-write a post that was scheduled to post tomorrow in case I died or had major complications. You want to read it? I know you do. Here it is:

If you're reading this, I'm either dead or in the hospital with major complications.

Either way, it must suck pretty hard to be me right now.

Bummer. I'll miss the premier of LOST tomorrow night.

Anyway, I'm writing this the night before my surgery and scheduling it to post next week (umm, that would be today for all of you). I just wanted to say hello from the dead (or the hospital) and make sure you're working on that pink casket and getting Kathy Griffin. Or sending me flowers and organizing the blogosphere in fundraisers for my family (Nie Nie is home now. All those Etsy auctions can benefit me. Me me me.)

Is Will dating yet?

Oh, this is what I wrote in my note that I taped to my belly:

"Please do not use iodine or betadine on me (then a big smiley face) Or I'll hunt you down and slash your tires."

Hmmm....Maybe this has something to do with why I'm dead?

With love,

Your dearly departed (or maybe just seriously sick) blogger buddy Brandi


  1. YAH! You're home! Don't think I wasn't all blogger stalkery on you.

    The blog post from the dead? You are seriously the coolest person EVER!

  2. I'd have to give weirdo kudos to Will if, upon your death, he actually took the time to POST YOUR BLOG. Sorry, everyone, I know I should be grieving and making funeral arrangements and comforting my children and what-not, but what's more important is that I must hurry and POST THIS BLOG. Very impressive from a sociopathic standpoint.

    And welcome back!!! We've all been stocking your blog to get the news.

  3. Do you really think that my husband could remember to update my blog if I died? Have you met him? He would forget his own name it wasn't sewn onto his uniform.

    I used the "scheduled" option and scheduled it to post automatically on a certain day and time.

  4. Brandi you are so funny. I didn't even know you could schedule a post to post at a certain time etc. That is crazy!!!!
    Welcome home. We are all so excited to see your post and hear about your progress. Umm I will pass on the drain and the contents thereof.
    I am praying for a quick recovery.

    Lots of Love,

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  6. I was thinking of you. I'm glad you're not dead. :)

  7. So glad you survived with your sense of humor intact. And possibly even enhanced. Glad to know that you and your cyst and your out-of-whack endocrine system are majorly famous at EAMC. Do you get some kind of award for that?

    DH doesn't love my stroller buying and selling hobby, so I'll have to go take down that slideshow, but yes, she bought it. :)

  8. Hooray!!! I'm so glad you're not dead! I like your "In case I'm Dead" post. You rock the blog world.

  9. Hooray you are home. Glad you are okay and bummer about the food. Do NOT read Lydia's blog... it will only frustrate you more like it did for me as well. That stinker. Anyway, good luck with the will-power. :)

  10. I'm glad everything went well and that you are home! Just think summer-time skin when food starts calling you. Post lots of photos! Its an amazing transformation that happens so quickly. Kinda like babies growing in reverse :P

  11. God only picks on the people who can take it and can find the humor in it all =] I'm gald you're home and I bet you're gonna have a rockin bod before you know it.....I want new boobs too....We should do that one together =] Love ya Titty [=

  12. Yay! You're posting blogs again! I mean, you're home!

    I totally have heard horror stories about surgeons. They really think they know everything. My dad has been issues with his own surgeon. Heaven forbid they defer to experts of another field.

    BTW...I was one phone call away from KG being at your house. It would have made a great ep of My Life on the D-list, no?

  13. I'm so happy you are home and still making me laugh! Only you would find a way to reach out to us from beyond the grave.
    Can't wait to see you "growing in reverse"! I like that!

  14. nevermind- your above comment was quite the exaggeration. :-|


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