This one time, at band camp...

So, in case you missed it, I'm a band geek. I won't say "former band geek" because if there was a band I could join right now, I totally would.

I've played the flute since fourth grade. So, for 25 years. One would think I'd be pretty good by now, right? Yeah, not so much. This post is not an invitation for you to ask me to play. I'm still embarrassed about completely sucking when I played in church a few months ago.

Anyway, one of the few benefits of moving from normal, civilized life in Connecticut to the backwater known as Evanston, Wyoming is that the band in Evanston traveled. We went to contests that required many long bus rides and overnight hotel stays.

So, for those of you that were too cool for band, here's a small taste of what you missed out on. Just be warned--we band geeks can get pretty crazy. Especially when you put us on a bus and take us someplace totally wild, like Utah.

1. I once helped duct tape an oboe player to the carpet of her hotel room. And then we left her there. For hours.

2. We played a rousing game of "Will it burn?" in the back alley behind our hotel. Sugar doesn't burn. Hair styling products could get you arrested for arson.

3. After the discovery in #2, we went from window to window of the hotel spraying smiley faces on them with hair spray, then lighting them on fire.

4. Speaking of lighting things on fire, I saw all the male saxophone players come running out of their hotel room in a minor panic. Turns out they were lighting farts and one, umm, backfired.

5. Will (who was a french horn player) once fell asleep in the closet of my hotel room (I honestly can't remember why he was in there). We left him there half the night. And hid his shoes.

6. Band conductors do not like to get woken up at 1 am to be told by the hotel manager that some of his students are prank calling other guests. Repeatedly.

7. My friend and I didn't like one of the girls who was in our hotel room once, so after she fell asleep we stole all her underwear and threw them in the trash at the McDonald's across the street.

8. Band bus truth or dare.

9. Remember #7? We didn't throw all of them away. We saved one pair and hid them in the trumpet case of the boy she had a crush on.

10. We were jumping from bed to bed in the hotel, and one of the really tall girls hit her head on the ceiling and fell between the bed and the wall and got stuck. They had to come and un-bolt the bed from the floor so she could get out. Oh, and we were all wearing bras on our heads.

I hope you can forgive my wild ways and youthful indiscretions. I know, it'll be hard. I've settled down in my old age, though.

And just wait until someday when I tell you what the Academic Decathlon team did when we went to the state finals. If you thought band geeks were wild and crazy, you've apparently never known a team of nerds in the heat of a statewide nerd competition.

I feel sorry for the jocks and cheerleaders.

And you need to go watch THIS VIDEO (don't worry, it's just Sponge Bob. It's totally safe for work and children). It's every band geek's secret dream.