Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday Morning Confessions: OCD Edition

So, I know that OCD is a real and debilitating disorder that many people suffer from. Lots of times I'll say I have OCD, but I know that in reality I do not and if someone who really does suffer from it ever heard me say it, they might slap me (after they turned the kitchen lights on and off 27 times and washed their hands raw).

But I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies, and today you get to read just how much of a freak I really am.

1. I have to take a shower after I clean the bathrooms. A good hand washing will not suffice.

2. I can't eat anything with corn mixed in it (with the odd exception of shepherd's pie). This isn't about flavor. This isn't merely a case of disliking a food. I love corn. But in my head, there's something sinister about it when I see it mixed with other ingredients. Corn chowder? From the devil himself.

3. I'm a counter. I count stairs, ceiling tiles, floor tiles, you name it. And I freak out a little if they're odd numbers.

4. Imagine you're riding in the front seat of the car and the street is dappled with sun and shade. If you're me, you will obsessively touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth as you drive over the shady parts and take it off as you pass over the sunny parts. If you mess up, something horrible will happen.

5. Hair (be it human or animal) in food or on the soap has the potential to send me into a full on internal meltdown. Have I ever told you about my experience at Subway? Remind me and I will sometime. I still have a hard time eating there.

6. I truly fear germs. This is not an exaggeration. I fear them. No, I don't think you understand. I don't just dislike them. I don't just think they're icky. I fear them like Clarice Starling feared Hannibal Lechter.

7. Crumbs in the butter will unleash my inner beast. If I'm having company, I buy a seperate tub of butter or spoon some into a dish for people to use because one single, solitary crumb will send me over the edge to the point of no return.

8. This probably falls into the fear of germs category, but I cannot share food or drinks with someone. Anyone. I will not even drink after my husband. Sometimes taking the sacrament at church is difficult because I see the little kids who get the tray before me touching all the bread or dripping their water into the other cups. I also have a really hard time eating something prepared by someone I don't know or who's kitchen I've never seen.

9. I need symmetry. If you come into my house, you'll see that the decor is perfectly symmetrical. I know it's stylish to stagger the heights of your art work or to have mismatched items, but I mentally can't tolerate it.

10. I need neatness and order to function. You will usually find my house clean and orderly (unless you show up on laundry day, because then my couch will have mountains of clean laundry waiting to be folded). This isn't because I like to clean (despite what my husband seems to think). This isn't because I aspire to be housewife of the year. This is because my whole world literally falls apart when I'm surrounded by mess.

There. Now you can go about your day feeling relieved that you're nowhere near as crazy as Brandi.

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